Hostage to fear

[Randy Carson]

First, if you believe I'm being condescending in this post... please hold out for the end.  My intentions were never to "please various people"... they were to save my wife and children from hell.  I never sought to please anyone except this god of Holy Scripture. ...period.

Okay. And I will ask you some very direct questions...not to criticize or accuse but to understand what your experience has been.

I don't think you can agree with me on a point I have not made.  I never made the point that belief is a choice.  On the contrary, I've made my opinion of the opposite very clear.

Then I misunderstood you when you said that the Bible says that belief is a choice. I thought you were agreeing - even though you have struggled. But okay...I understand now.

Acting as though I believe is contrary to what the values of your faith teach.  Lying is a sin, no matter your target.  I was lying to myself when I said, "I believe in Christ Jesus".  I acted as though I really thought I believed for many years.  I simply quit lying, to 1) avoid sin in my quest for theosis 2) live an authentic human experience.

I wanted to believe in Christ (as portrayed in Holy Scripture) more than I wanted my own life, if it could be sacrificed so that my children would have the faith I don't ... for their salvation.  I wanted my wife and my kids to reach heaven... and knowingly lied to them about what I "believed" for that reason.  I deceived my family to meet the demands of a god.  At the end of every day, there was something wholly wrong with that... if my god be "good" and "truth".

It sounds like you haven't been honest with anyone...yourself, your family, or God...up to this point. So, it must be kinda refreshing to finally admit how you really feel!

As an anti-Calvinist, I could not just attribute my lack of faith to determinism.  A deep study of theodicy (through Scripture, history, and authoritative ancillary texts) answered all the questions I needed answers to.

The honest and exercised answer is, yes, I was willing to follow Christ to the bitter end.  And I appreciate you trying to understand my experiences ... throw me in the fire for being wrong, but I take it you're younger than most apologists and have a decent liberal education... your honest empathy gives you away.

I'm 55, and I went to Georgia Tech, so I had a very technical education. But thank you...I think.  

Just out of curiosity, what denomination were you? I can't remember if I already asked that...sorry. I'm not sure what an anti-Calvinist is...seems like that would be just about everyone else! Were you Baptist or Presbyterian? It sounds like your experience was kinda "performance-based" - trying to please God - and not really based on knowing God's love and forgiveness. Or am I wrong?

Also, was the problem of suffering the first chink in your "armor" or the last straw for you?