(December 30, 2015 at 10:58 pm)RaphielDrake Wrote:Thank you for sharing all of this, really. When I left Christianity, yea, there was a feeling that resided in me that I had been betrayed or lied to. You are brave to share all of this. To your last point, be careful to not go too fast that you might miss some things. Savor some of life too...quality over quantity.(December 30, 2015 at 10:17 am)Deidre32 Wrote: If you were ever a theist/believer, what led you to no longer believe? Not looking to preach, that’s not my thing and it’s against rules anyway, but just curious. I remember my own journey over the past few years with it all, and just thought it’d be interesting to hear your ‘stories’ if you were once believers before identifying as an atheist.
My mind was in a constant state of turmoil until I actually read the Bible when I was thirteen or fourteen. I went through the whole literal/metaphorical/fiction dance till I acknowledged that I had been lied to and had my entire worldview corrupted from birth. I was incredibly lost, I didn't even really know what atheism was. I wouldn't find out for another two years after I left high school. I went through a buddhist/spiritualist phase.
When I was between sixteen and seventeen I finally had spare time on my hands so through the wonders of the internet I learned about debaters and such. The first I came across was Christopher Hitchens. His wit, his callous charm, incredible clarity and most of all; grasp of facts. Actual solid, testable facts. No bullshit mystique. Either he knew or he didn't and he would admit when he didn't. Took me aback. I would often find the childish thoughts I had about spiritualism spill out of the mouths of the opposition and laugh alittle. Like it was some kind of magic trick. I've grown to love debates, I appreciate them as a means of stripping away the fiction and leaving behind the bare bones. I also adore the kind of... theatrical dueling behind it. A trap here, a parry there. Its very entertaining and the coup de graces are very satisfying.
I began to see spiritualism for the clear play on fear and ignorance it is. Buddhism I found to simply be a more polished version of every other religion when I looked past its sheen. Christianity only had afew thousand years to get its PR campaign in order. Buddhism however has had more time to get rid of its less... enlightened of dogmas. A more refined mind virus. I looked at the other religions to give them a fair shake, did my research. All failed the test. This was the first time I really acknowledged Atheism as an option. It was the only one that made sense so, begrudgingly, I accepted my life had been a lie. That if theres one thing thats close to certainty its that none of us will make it out alive.
That filled me with concern, fear, depression. For a while. I mean I repeated the same lie to myself everyone does at that point "Well at least you leave behind memories, thats a kind of immortality." Clear bullshit obviously, it never particularly washed with me. I mean memories fade pretty fast in the scheme of things and who cares about "ripples"? Yes yes, good for your relatives and friends. What about *you*? You're gone. Thats all there is to it. No words make that better, its just a reality.
So what do we do in this time? I haven't had a clue about that for years. I still don't know really. I have no plan or massive endgame. Now all I feel is a pull. A desperate urge to travel, to keep moving, to keep running from one place to the next and feel the sea breeze against my face every second I can. It consumes every facet of me, has for the past month. Its only gotten stronger. Its not spiritual and its not some other worldly force.
Its a part of me, telling me to live as fast as I can while I can. To be a blur, part of the chaos. A speck washed along a sea of possibility, making a desperate dash across it before it dries up. Thats still fear but I think its a good kind of fear, I think its that pull which keeps us alive instead of simply existing.
