There were a number of reasons for me.
First, it was looking around after having spent my whole life in church and realizing that I didn't know anyone whose life had really been "transformed" by salvation. I knew people whose lives changed after getting into religion, but nothing that I would call "miraculous". It seemed to me that people changed because they wanted to change. Furthermore, they seemed to ONLY change in those areas where they felt that change was necessary. I saw people who were "delivered" of addictions, but retained more insidious traits that they didn't seem the least bit concerned about.
Furthermore, I sincerely tried to "get saved" many times but never felt anything. It seemed to make no difference at all. I never felt confident that anything had actually happened. I was baptized twice and just couldn't have that blissful meaningful moment that others seemed to be having. Also, any change that did occur was because I willed it to occur. If I stopped sinning sexually, it was because I told myself "This is a sin" and willed myself to stop doing it... for a while. There was never anything that gave me any additional strength.
Despite being raised as a Pentecostal (aka "holy roller") I saw no evidence that any of the Holy Spirit Baptism experience that I was witnessing were true. I saw people falling, dancing, laughing in the spirit, speaking in tongues, prophesying...yet, underneath the surface they were just the same petty people who would turn around from talking in tongues and stick a knife in the back of one of their brethren.
It was pressed upon me to get baptised in the Holy Spirit and speak in tongues. I tried. One night a friend and I stayed at church for 10 hours straight doing nothing but praying and singing hymns, trying to call down the fire of God. Finally, I remember just bursting into tears and not knowing why. My friend started jibbering. I thought he was talking in tongues. Then, he stopped and came and started praying for me to speak in tongues. I stopped crying and started making jibberish sounds, trying to talk in tongues. Finally he said, "You spoke in tongues" and I said "No, it didn't happen... I was just making noises, but I heard you speaking in tongues." He also denied this and said that he had not. Yet, members of my church who heard our story afterward, who weren't even there when all of this occurred, assured us that we HAD spoken in tongues. The pastor told me that speaking in tongues has nothing to do with God taking control of me, but that I just need to open my mouth and start speaking and have faith that it's God.
Beyond the experiential, I began to see that certain aspects of my faith made no sense.
For example, if God is all-knowing and all-loving and his will is what I should be striving for, what sense does it make for me to pray for anything? Wouldn't that be like a child going to his father and saying "Dad, would you go to work today so we can have money to buy groceries so I can eat?" Any loving father would say "Son, you don't have to ask me that. I've got it taken care of. Just trust me." Thus, I realized that it made no sense to pray for anything because ultimately I was just a silly child who didn't know what to ask for anyway.
Finally, I began to reason that if God is Truth, then Truth is God. That means that there's no reason to hide from ideas that have traditionally been considered faith-breaking. Truth can only confirm God, right? Thus, I disembarked to prove my God and found the evidence took me to a different conclusion entirely...
First, it was looking around after having spent my whole life in church and realizing that I didn't know anyone whose life had really been "transformed" by salvation. I knew people whose lives changed after getting into religion, but nothing that I would call "miraculous". It seemed to me that people changed because they wanted to change. Furthermore, they seemed to ONLY change in those areas where they felt that change was necessary. I saw people who were "delivered" of addictions, but retained more insidious traits that they didn't seem the least bit concerned about.
Furthermore, I sincerely tried to "get saved" many times but never felt anything. It seemed to make no difference at all. I never felt confident that anything had actually happened. I was baptized twice and just couldn't have that blissful meaningful moment that others seemed to be having. Also, any change that did occur was because I willed it to occur. If I stopped sinning sexually, it was because I told myself "This is a sin" and willed myself to stop doing it... for a while. There was never anything that gave me any additional strength.
Despite being raised as a Pentecostal (aka "holy roller") I saw no evidence that any of the Holy Spirit Baptism experience that I was witnessing were true. I saw people falling, dancing, laughing in the spirit, speaking in tongues, prophesying...yet, underneath the surface they were just the same petty people who would turn around from talking in tongues and stick a knife in the back of one of their brethren.
It was pressed upon me to get baptised in the Holy Spirit and speak in tongues. I tried. One night a friend and I stayed at church for 10 hours straight doing nothing but praying and singing hymns, trying to call down the fire of God. Finally, I remember just bursting into tears and not knowing why. My friend started jibbering. I thought he was talking in tongues. Then, he stopped and came and started praying for me to speak in tongues. I stopped crying and started making jibberish sounds, trying to talk in tongues. Finally he said, "You spoke in tongues" and I said "No, it didn't happen... I was just making noises, but I heard you speaking in tongues." He also denied this and said that he had not. Yet, members of my church who heard our story afterward, who weren't even there when all of this occurred, assured us that we HAD spoken in tongues. The pastor told me that speaking in tongues has nothing to do with God taking control of me, but that I just need to open my mouth and start speaking and have faith that it's God.
Beyond the experiential, I began to see that certain aspects of my faith made no sense.
For example, if God is all-knowing and all-loving and his will is what I should be striving for, what sense does it make for me to pray for anything? Wouldn't that be like a child going to his father and saying "Dad, would you go to work today so we can have money to buy groceries so I can eat?" Any loving father would say "Son, you don't have to ask me that. I've got it taken care of. Just trust me." Thus, I realized that it made no sense to pray for anything because ultimately I was just a silly child who didn't know what to ask for anyway.
Finally, I began to reason that if God is Truth, then Truth is God. That means that there's no reason to hide from ideas that have traditionally been considered faith-breaking. Truth can only confirm God, right? Thus, I disembarked to prove my God and found the evidence took me to a different conclusion entirely...