A personal and worry question

[Godscreated]

There's advice I would like to give you, however I'm not sure you would understand and I don't want to get in trouble for preaching.

I do know this, you should leave home, having your own place will help you have some stability, do not let your family in this space, it's your world, where you can deal with you and have some peace and get rested. No drugs or alcohol, they can easily become crutches and this makes them a useless coping mechanism. A private place is your friend, but do not make it your life.

As for your family, this is the toughest part, deal with your brother by talking to him one on one, tell him how you feel about the situation and especially the children, let him deal with his wife that's for him to do. Offer help with the children, but do not council them, your not a psychologist. Talk with Mom and Dad about whatever is bothering you, do this at their place or neutral ground, let no one in your family invade your home, if you do that sanctuary will be gone, protect it, it is your safe place. Most of all do not let them control your life and do not give up on them, they are your family.

[Anomalocaris]

There's advice I would like to give you, however I'm not sure you would understand and I don't want to get in trouble for preaching.

I do know this, you should leave home, having your own place will help you have some stability, do not let your family in this space, it's your world, where you can deal with you and have some peace and get rested. No drugs or alcohol, they can easily become crutches and this makes them a useless coping mechanism. A private place is your friend, but do not make it your life.

As for your family, this is the toughest part, deal with your brother by talking to him one on one, tell him how you feel about the situation and especially the children, let him deal with his wife that's for him to do. Offer help with the children, but do not council them, your not a psychologist. Talk with Mom and Dad about whatever is bothering you, do this at their place or neutral ground, let no one in your family invade your home, if you do that sanctuary will be gone, protect it, it is your safe place. Most of all do not let them control your life and do not give up on them, they are your family.

When you suppress your godliness, if only barely, you become almost tolerable.

[Angrboda]

I find much sensible in GC's words, but there is one thing I would, not disagree with, so much as qualify. Even in the most fucked up family, you may derive not only pain and anger from your family members, but even in bad families, most derive some level of sustenance, warmth, and just "connection" for lack of a better term for it. In our western world, we emphasize autonomy, as if it's a given that its benefits are better than belonging, sharing, and being connected. Your family, right or wrong, is the only one you will ever have; you can't replace the time spent with family with that spent with other people. Getting out may offer a doorway out of pain, but its also a doorway out of the solace of family and connection. For me, I'm likely to choose autonomy, as I'm something of an aloof loner. Despite my sisters being 4 years older than me, I left home several years earlier than them at 17. My best friend on the other hand, for much of the past 4 years had to live in a makeshift room in her son's house. Granted, she has strong and loving relations with all, but when I suggested that she would improve when she got in a place of her own and out of dependency, she said no. And though I still made the hollow argument from time to time, I knew she was just as good being under her son's wing, but connected, than independent and apart. Now I can't read your situation from what little you've written, so you'll have to use your judgement to decide whether what you would gain with independence, is worth what you would lose with independence.

[Godscreated]

@ apophenia and RalpielDrake, sorry if I left you with the impression families not important, that was not my intent. By all means you should continue in a relationship with them, it is the only family you have. My concern was for your well being, if you are able to cope with life they will see that in you, and when you deal with them about their problems they will listen a bit closer, even if they do not show it. Most of the time whether we're aware of it or not our actions speak much more truth to others than words. People have a tendency to believe what they see over what they hear, these words come from wiser men than I'll ever hope to be. One thing I do believe, you can not let others drag you down a never ending hole, and if you are not standing outside that hole, you may not recognize you're slipping farther into it.

[fr0d0]

@RD: You're not abandoning your family by leaving. You have no obligation to sort out their problems. To do that anyway, you need to sort yourself out first. You certainly won't be the first that needs to escape a suffocating relationship to achieve that.