Our server costs ~$56 per month to run. Please consider donating or becoming a Patron to help keep the site running. Help us gain new members by following us on Twitter and liking our page on Facebook!
Current time: March 28, 2024, 7:24 am

Thread Rating:
  • 0 Vote(s) - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
A personal and worry question
#1
Sad 
A personal and worry question
How do I start this without sounding like I'm writing a sob story? Suffice to say it isn't and the intent of this thread is to get it off my chest. My mother and her siblings were the victims of emotional and physical abuse from their Father. It was common back then with the cain being in fashion and all but from what I've heard he took it to new levels of cruelty. He and one of her younger brothers died when she was about eighteen. I can't divulge more than that as I fear I may have already given away too many personal details, needless to say its complicated but the basic result was this:

1. Uncle one became a runaway and as a result got into drugs and all sorts of trouble. Hes fine now but the marks are still there. He hides them well, he is still angry with his Father.

2. Uncle two became materialistic and emotionally detatched, ironically he now holds one of the highest positions in social services now.

3. Uncle three is like an exaggerated version of uncle two who shows absoloutely no regard for anyone else but himself. He moved to New Zealand.

4. Uncle four died of cystic fibrosis. I never knew him.

5. My Mother married my Dad became an alcoholic who blames herself for everything, including the abuse and the deaths in her family. She can't move on.

6. My Brother married a vile woman with no values or morales. Hes not the sharpest knife in the draw and he was driven by the desire to find a place for himself and start a family. She preyed on him with ease. He now has four prolapsed discs from overworking and four kids to go with them. He does everything, his wife does nothing.

Why am I going through this list? For the millionth time I just had to snatch a wine glass out of my mothers glass while she stared at a cd player while it played a song she knew form her childhood verging on tears. Shes been buckling from the pressure of babysitting my moron brother.. My Father doesn't seem to care too much and even attempted to debate my suggestion that we should get her councilling.

I have many problems of my own. It would take up too much space to explain them and I've taken up enough. I am going to get over my Agoraphobia eventually, I know I will. Its not even a question in my mind. I'm not dying here, I've come too far.
This in mind, I asked myself a question tonight:
What do I do once I have overcome it?
This is all such a mess. Do I even have a chance at fixing it? Should I just leave? Start a new life away from all of this? Could I forgive myself if I did? I've survived enough, I'm lucky to be alive let alone sane. There was a time it wouldn't even of crossed my mind, abandoning my own family but... I don't owe them a damn thing. I've earnt the right to leave this all behind. If theres anyone to blame for the way I am now then its them... yet... I don't know... thats not me. I don't know.
It bounces between self-preservation and moral obligation. I could walk away, I have every right to... but then how would I be any different from my uncles. If I stick around and try to help theres nothing to stop me from getting dragged down with the rest of these loons, the "its the right thing to do" disney shit doesn't cut it here.
I need to make a decision and I need to make a game plan, I also need a smoke. -.-
"That is not dead which can eternal lie and with strange aeons even death may die." 
- Abdul Alhazred.
Reply
#2
RE: A personal and worry question
dude, there's two quick things i see in what you wrote, that i don't agree with. hard to say anything to this, because you have so much going on. first thing you said your brother is both *not the sharpest* and a *moron*. granted, i have no clue how your family deals with each other, but one day, you may hate that you referred to him like that. juss sayin. the second thing is that you said you don't owe your family anything - i respectfully disagree with this. you owe them everything you can give them short of going down with the ship. we don't get to pick our family and we only get the one.

it is a very tough predicament to be in and i've been doing it since i was 12 or 13. now, i'm past the judgment and blaming and just realize, i can't change an adult's mind or habits, no matter how much i try. so i just take it for what it is and learned to let the ill feelings roll off my back when i hang up the phone or walk out their door. the love stays with me tho and i can remember what the love felt like years ago before all this shit, so that's enough for me.
they can land a rover on mars, yet they still have to stick a human finger up my ass to do a prostate exam?! - ricky gervais
Reply
#3
RE: A personal and worry question
Do you have anyone : is your phobia directly related to all this or is it separate from it : no doubt it is exacerbated
by your past but it may not be the cause of it : can you provide more detail about it : for example how extensive
is it : do you have a daily regime : how often do you exercise : have you considered therapy : one thing I must
stress : you have made subjective emotional judgements about members of your family : no one knows how
accurate they are so help may be limited but try to avoid as much as possible engaging in ad hom : learn to
let it go : anger is the most destructive of all emotions : will you feel guilty if you leave your mother : she
is subconsciously attempting to emotionally blackmail you is she : what does your sister in law do : what
do you mean when you say she does no thing : is she unemployed : would I be right in assuming that
you are a student : we can help you but it is rather limited : the internet is not the place for this but
if all you want to do is offload then that is fine but anything else requires professional help : hope
this is of some use to you then : carry on if you feel you want to though there is no obligation to
A MIND IS LIKE A PARACHUTE : IT DOES NOT WORK UNLESS IT IS OPEN
Reply
#4
RE: A personal and worry question
1. Are their panic attacks associated with your Agoraphobia? (I ask this because it's important for distinguishing a mechanism)
2. Are you on any medication?
3. Do you partake in drug/alcohol use?
4. Do you wear or need corrective lenses?
5. Have you ever been diagnosed with any vestibular system irregularities?
6. When did it start?

I have a lot of other questions too. If you want to answer these privately, send me a PM. It really sounds to me like your agoraphobia is the root of a lot of your troubles. I am not a doctor yet, but I might be able to help you or point you in a helpful direction.

This is a link to a little test that you could take that might be helpful to me, or another therapist in assessing the severity of your anxiety disorder.

http://www.psymed.info/default.aspx?m=Test&id=73&l=3

I think you shouldn't make any life changing decisions yet, btw.
42

Reply
#5
RE: A personal and worry question
(June 3, 2012 at 10:03 pm)aleialoura Wrote: I think you shouldn't make any life changing decisions yet, btw.

^ This ^

Life changing decisions. Make them when you're not emotionally compromised.
Slave to the Patriarchy no more
Reply
#6
RE: A personal and worry question
(June 3, 2012 at 10:03 pm)aleialoura Wrote: 1. Are their panic attacks associated with your Agoraphobia? (I ask this because it's important for distinguishing a mechanism)
2. Are you on any medication?
3. Do you partake in drug/alcohol use?
4. Do you wear or need corrective lenses?
5. Have you ever been diagnosed with any vestibular system irregularities?
6. When did it start?

I have a lot of other questions too. If you want to answer these privately, send me a PM. It really sounds to me like your agoraphobia is the root of a lot of your troubles. I am not a doctor yet, but I might be able to help you or point you in a helpful direction.

This is a link to a little test that you could take that might be helpful to me, or another therapist in assessing the severity of your anxiety disorder.

http://www.psymed.info/default.aspx?m=Test&id=73&l=3

I think you shouldn't make any life changing decisions yet, btw.

1. Yes. Crowds, new people. That kind of thing. If I'm in a car its lessened.
2. No.
3. Very rarely. Quite alot of "herbs" and a few lines. Nothing serious.
4. Nope.
5. Extremely low level aspergers. You'd never know unless I told you. Ultimately its given me high intellect (so I'm told), slight social difficulties and a wonderful singing voice... I made up the last one.
6. I've always had it to some degree but I never knew what it was, I just thought I was shy. It came to a head when I was in college. The crowds got to me, I kept going until I got a certificate then I quit. Didn't finish but at least I got something.

The therapist I've got is one of the best, its early days. I just think my family has been a damaging influence. When I do recover I'll need to decide wether or not to severe connections with that influence.

(June 3, 2012 at 9:40 pm)twocompulsive Wrote: Do you have anyone : is your phobia directly related to all this or is it separate from it : no doubt it is exacerbated
by your past but it may not be the cause of it : can you provide more detail about it : for example how extensive
is it : do you have a daily regime : how often do you exercise : have you considered therapy : one thing I must
stress : you have made subjective emotional judgements about members of your family : no one knows how
accurate they are so help may be limited but try to avoid as much as possible engaging in ad hom : learn to
let it go : anger is the most destructive of all emotions : will you feel guilty if you leave your mother : she
is subconsciously attempting to emotionally blackmail you is she : what does your sister in law do : what
do you mean when you say she does no thing : is she unemployed : would I be right in assuming that
you are a student : we can help you but it is rather limited : the internet is not the place for this but
if all you want to do is offload then that is fine but anything else requires professional help : hope
this is of some use to you then : carry on if you feel you want to though there is no obligation to

I don't have anyone, haven't for a long time.
Everything is related to everything. Its not a single thing but a long chain of dominos thats started before I was even born from an unhappy union that would inevitably lead to emotional neglect, bullying, isolation, two breakdowns, four years inside this house and now this thread. I used to exercise alot but I suffered a knee injury, I've only just started to get physio for it. I'm currently undergoing councilling for my agoraphobia, I haven't told my councillor about anything to do with this. If I start to think about the past my pulse quickens, I feel my eyes water and I feel angry. The same anger I felt during the days I'd have to defend myself again and again against so many I lost count. The same anger I felt when no-one, including my family, seemed to give a crap. Not enough to help anyway, not enough to stop my brother from kicking me when I was down and selling all my stuff. I block it out before it overwhelms me.
Its doubtful shes trying to emotionally blackmail me but possible. My sister in law works at starbucks, as a result she earns less than her family would have received from benefits at the time. She works there so she doesn't have to help take care of the kids. When shes at home all she does is lie on the couch watching tv, litteraly. There is not an ounce of love toward her own children, you have my word on that. My brother usually does everything regarding the children, he recently took a job in hard labor to receive more of an income and to get away from her. He never gets rest. His back will inevitably buckle again as a result, Mother will go into one of her panic attacks, Father will bitch about how he has to transport my brothers broken body to the hospital and I will be left to help pick up the pieces once it all falls down. I feel sorry for the children, I wonder how they will cope with their chain. If they'll do better than I did with mine.
I was a student at college, thats when I couldn't cope with crowds and people anymore.
I just want to know if I should stay to fix my family or leave to pursue my own life once I am able. I should never of had to of put up with this, any of it. I want out... but that doesn't make it the right thing to do. Truth is I'm tired. I don't remember the last time I felt anything other than barely contained anger. Its always there, underneath the pleasentries, the jokes, the smile. Its become the core of who I am... and I'm tired of it. I still have a moral compass though, I'm not that far gone.
So assuming I recover, assuming I can pursue a life and have all the things I wanted... should I stay or should I leave?
"That is not dead which can eternal lie and with strange aeons even death may die." 
- Abdul Alhazred.
Reply
#7
RE: A personal and worry question
You should never sacrifice your future, not even to save the present. If there is no forward motion in your life, you must regain it. Else you'll fall down the same stagnant path of despair.

Only then can you help others.

Else you can give them very little in help for you have little to help your own self with.
Slave to the Patriarchy no more
Reply
#8
RE: A personal and worry question



Helping other people is a lot like sex. It's okay to make the overture, but it should stop with the word, "no."

Your story tends to underscore a Buddhist point that harm doesn't end with one act or one person, but ripples outward like ripples on a pond. As a Taoist, I would likely do things differently than you would, but I'll try to offer what I can. They say that sometimes the best way to help others is to help yourself. While I don't agree with corny sentiments that you can't love others until you love yourself, there's some truth to the notion about helping yourself first. And if you can't help either yourself, or your mom, or whomever, help other people. Volunteer. Volunteering and helping others, whether helping the sick or simply carrying an elderly person's groceries, helping others helps us grow, feel better, and gain more perspective about both other people's issues and our own.

I understand the situation somewhat. As noted in another thread, my mother was a hoarder, and I didn't even feel comfortable having friends for fear they'd eventually see inside our house. This behavior, and the piles and piles of junk, disturbed me, more than anyone else in the family, it seemed. And copying my older brother by moving into the basement at 12 only left me more vulnerable and affected by it. At one point in my early adulthood, a close friend remarked on the difference between my being hospitalized for mental illness by remarking that it made sense given how much pain I was in when I was growing up. I don't remember it that way, but I was constantly fighting my mom's tendencies and the complacency of my dad. After I had gone on past high school, I found that my judgement of my father was a bit too harsh, as in a conversation with him as a young adult, he broke down in tears talking about my mother's traits and habits, and his helplessness to do anything about them. Somewhere along the way in high school, probably before I became a Taoist, I just decided I'd had enough of my own behavior and swore that I wouldn't cause anymore pain because of my issues with my mom's behavior. It was an enormous weight lifted off my chest. I'm not saying the way I dealt with it is right or good, just that's what happened with me. That is, perhaps a bad habit of mine; if I don't like a feeling, I just shut it off. After college, I found that my radical feminism would send me off in a fit of rage at the slightest injustice. I would be wholly possessed by rage for days, unable to think, unable to sleep, basically unable to do anything but feel. So one day, I just decided I couldn't do that anymore. Those feelings turned off like a switch. I still care about feminist issues, but I try to keep a safe distance so as not to reignite that flame. And then there's my father. He's close to 90 now, but when he was in his sixties or seventies, I realized there were aspects of him that could stand to be changed, but at that stage, I decided the effort of trying to change him would likely cause more of a loss of quality of life than whatever change could grant him. It may not be right, but I tend to leave people who are old enough to be severely fixed in their habits (not talking about your mom's age, whatever it is, but elderly), and not try to change them, because the cost for them may outweigh the benefit, and many such changes are more for our benefit than theirs.

Anyway, I've probably created more heat than light. What was the question again?


[Image: extraordinarywoo-sig.jpg]
Reply
#9
RE: A personal and worry question
apophenia has touched on an important issue here : namely the inadequacy of referencing
anger as a mechanism for problem solving : Buddhism teaches us that one must remove
desire as that is the cause of all human suffering and anger is symptomatic of this for it
can stem from a desire that is not forthcoming : to be free is to be without attachment
to anything or anyone including oneself yet very few of us if any at all actually achieve
it and even those who do only manage to after a long period of disengagement from
everything no doubt : I am now less angry now than I used to be and may be this is
due to my isolation from others or being in the autumn of my life but what ever : if
I could turn the clock back and live my life all over again it would be without anger
A MIND IS LIKE A PARACHUTE : IT DOES NOT WORK UNLESS IT IS OPEN
Reply
#10
RE: A personal and worry question
My vote is to get out and don't look back. Save yourself. Go on caring about your family's well being but don't make your own wait for theirs. Limit your contact, don't let them keep you stuck in negative patterns. Create healthy new relationships. What you see in your family is in you too so work on finding your own balance. It isn't simply a matter of comprehension, it is also visceral. You have a therapist. Use that.
Reply



Possibly Related Threads...
Thread Author Replies Views Last Post
  Your personal decision Foxaèr 7 836 February 21, 2023 at 1:54 pm
Last Post: BrianSoddingBoru4
  Headaches and your Personal Experience. Disagreeable 26 851 February 11, 2022 at 12:54 pm
Last Post: Duty
Bug Is your personal web site malicious? JohnMBauer 8 675 May 24, 2020 at 7:38 pm
Last Post: Succubus#2
  When your relatives worry you, part Xth. Gawdzilla Sama 8 873 February 21, 2020 at 10:36 am
Last Post: Gawdzilla Sama
  Advice on a personal matter Sterben 39 3965 April 7, 2017 at 1:24 am
Last Post: Sterben
  Don't worry about me! Mystic 14 828 March 19, 2017 at 8:25 pm
Last Post: Jesster
  post pic of your workspace/pc area/personal lair Marsellus Wallace 33 4908 September 2, 2015 at 4:38 am
Last Post: Marsellus Wallace
  New personal rule... Iroscato 17 3264 July 19, 2015 at 6:24 am
Last Post: robvalue
  Why I don't approach on a more personal level Foxaèr 12 2020 May 27, 2015 at 10:22 am
Last Post: JuliaL
  Worry and Control Edwardo Piet 14 1617 May 6, 2015 at 7:24 am
Last Post: emjay



Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)