The Last Movie You Watched

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project, one of the worst films ever made, co-starring one of the worst people ever made: Ghosts Can't Do It. Brad "The Cinema Snob" Jones considers it (or at least he did when he reviewed it six years ago) one of the worst movies he ever took on, although six years' worth of movies might have changed that. I know I've done this three years and a day, and I've already had to revise my opinion on the worst movie ever multiple times. And this movie about a trophy wife who has to kill a guy, have her late husband possess his corpse, and humour Donald Trump just enough to let you film in his hotel got me intrigued. And with the one-year anniversary of his attempted Self-Coup coming up, I may as well do this film.

• Why does it look like they roped in Ralph Steadman?
  
• And why is there no music in the opening credits? Or does this cattle drive count as music to John Derek's ears? 
  
• Is there a reason they're doing this cattle drive in the middle of winter?
  
• Great One? I know that there was a lot of morally questionable shit early on in John and Bo Derek's relationship (to the extent that they briefly moved to Germany to avoid statutory rape laws, and moved back to the US when she became legal), but I hope it was never that domineering.
  
• You will not cry, and you will not wear black. Gee, that sounds like that's setting up some shitty foreshadowing.
  
• Was playing King Kong ever an option? Are there even that many tall buildings where the Hell this movie's supposed to be set.
  
• 60 is the upper limit for heart transplants? I just looked it up, and the traditional limit was about 65, and now it's about 70, and even that isn't a hard limit.
  
• And is there a reason Bo's doing charades outside while her husband's recuperating from a heart attack?
  
• Don't Go in the Room where my husband killed himself! I still need to fuck him one last time?
  
• "Love me, Great One, you Sonofabitch!"
  
• The very first person to say that they hate the rules for the afterlife?
  
• Wow, you suck at this, Angel. Your first charge convinced you to abandon your duty and banish him to this black Negative Space where it looks like he's underwater for some reason.
  
• I wonder if the other people at Anthony Quinn's funeral are asking "Bo, who the fuck are you talking to?" 
  
• Great... Scott. Is that why they're calling him "The Great One?" Because it's just one step removed from "Great Scott?"
  
• "You Could have taken pills," "Real Men Don't eat quiche?" I usually watch movies with subtitles, and, because they're not available here, I don't know if I'm mishearing the dialogue or if it's just that shit.
  
• Yeah, I'm sure Anthony Quinn was just a piece of meat to Bo Derek and not the other way around. In fairness, the real relationship between John and Bo lasted for 25 years, so I guess there was something legit between them.
  
• "I can hardly feel it when you touch me." No shit, you don't have a corporeal form. And arguing about whether or not relationships between the corporeal and incorporeal are the perfect time and place to remove your swimsuit and sunbathe naked.
  
• "I can't talk to you here, people would think I'm crazy." And this wasn't a concern during the funeral?
  
• Why does the owner of this island look like he's an amalgam of at least three supporting actors from Casablanca?
  
• Fausto? That's apparently a name now?
  
• You know, that  goldfish has to be going crazy with nothing in that chandelier tank but the pearls at the bottom of that tank which seems precariously suspended.
  
• Okay, seeing Anthony Quinn doing most of his performance in isolation reminds me of the film I watched before this: Mysterious Skin. It's a film about child molestation, and, to limit the trauma in the child actors, they did the scenes where each boy was being "seduced" with both the abuser and the survivors in isolation.
  
• Well, it's nice that Anthony Quinn has a fitting victim in his possession: a hunky cipher of a man. Also, Bo is bizarrely open about her plan to have her dead ex possess him.
  
• The irony of Donald Trump working in Hong Kong is exquisite given that 30 years later, the most substantive measure Donald Trump did in relation to the COVID pandemic was call it "The Chinese Virus." Then again, Hong Kong is still its own separate little thing apart from the PRC, and would definitely have been more so when this was made, since it was still a British territory then.
  
• Bo Derek as a late-thirties virgin? This has to be preposterous. 
  
• It's halfway through the movie and this plot is going nowhere.
  
• Bo, is there some part of "incorporeal" you don't understand?
  
• Huh. I'd have suspected Donald Trump would be the one waiting in the shower to rape Bo.
  
• So, that goon's coming to kill Bo? Why the fuck didn't he shoot her when he had the chance? And why the fuck is he giving her some pills?
  
• Why the fuck is she in bed, assuming the position all of a sudden? Are they implying the goon raped her?
  
• Since when is Trump capable of accepting defeat? 
  
• And am I the only one disappointed that we don't get a good chance to see Bo's feet, especially given that she's barefoot for much of the film? There's hardly even much on Wikifeet!
  
• "They're desecrating the Sabbath" "It's Friday." And it's a Friday night (unless it's after midnight on Friday), which is the traditional Jewish start of the Sabbath.
  
• "Great Scott loves Katie O'Dare," so why the fuck didn't they call him Great Scott when he was alive?
  
• Well, Bo's bizarrely cavalier about her plan to kill Fausto with rat poison. And to think it took the last 25 minutes for this plot to go anywhere. And that revelation that he's a thief just came out of nowhere.
  
• Why do I get the feeling that smashing Fausto's face in would ruin a good portion of the possession plot?
  
• Well, it's nice to know the other woman likes to let it all hang out. It would have been nice to see more of it, but then again this isn't her vanity project.
  
• And that was bizarrely convenient: Fausto dies, and Anthony Quinn gets to possess him. He even has Anthony Quinn's voice for some reason.
  
• No, that's "magnificent Bastard," not "Awesome Bastard," get it right, Bo.
  
• And here's how it ends:
  
  
  Well, that and a trip back to Wyoming, where it's still in a foot of snow. And, yes that Really Was Donald Trump. That's how he's even credited. Then again, the credits get a bit descriptive. At least from what little I could tell before Tubi decided to cut to the next movie.

Honestly, this was one of the more entertaining bad movies I've watched for the Project. A surprisingly good start for The Project's fourth year. And to think I even considered The Amazing Bulk for today. You know, maybe next week.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

‘The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard’. Much more enjoyable than the last Ryan Reynolds film I saw.

Boru

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project: The Amazing Bulk. It's basically Hulk via Ed Wood. I know it's a cliche to compare a bad movie to something Ed Wood made, and, indeed, Ed Wood somehow managed to make nothing bad enough for the Project. That said, this clip: 



I Hate Everything did a video about this movie and pointed to the director's commentary where they outright stated they basically built this movie around whatever random stock graphics they could buy. The actors were shot on a green-screen and all but six shots had a background that was just stock footage. And I'm not even going to count how many unique shots were in the film, but, according to Cinemetrics, The Avengers, which came out the same year, had an Average Shot Length of 2.8 seconds. This movie is 76 minutes, 11 seconds long. So, if that's any indication, 6 shots out of 1632 were made specifically for the movie. That's 0.367% of the movie.

• And we're off to a great start with logos that blatantly rip off the Universal, Fox, and Paramount logos. This takes up the first minute of the movie. It's almost a relief when we get to the actual credits, which are in Comic Sans.
  
• Wow, Alicia Silverstone really fell on hard times before she got picked up for The Babysitters' Club on Netflix.
  
• So, the thug shoots the Bulk, then screams and shields himself before we even see what he's doing? A reaction shot from The Bulk would have been nice, movie.
  
• So, we cut from the ambulance to one day earlier, where a plane is flying over a tropical city, then beakers, and then we're in a crappy CGI high school science classroom that was probably delivered too late for Rapsittie Street Kids.
  
• The serum keeps turning blue? Looks like one of you is pregnant.
  
• And, evidently, the serum makes rats invisible? Why are they so blase about that, even if it did happen 235 times before?
  
• It's incredible how little the shots they bought meld together. We go from an Elmo's World-looking city with a rotoscoped car to a background that I'm fairly certain was from a Warner Brothers cartoon to random butterflies to an uncanny SunKist field to something I probably saw in a 1990s point-and-click educational game. 
  
• That weird "do you want children" exchange is weird, especially given that she's not actually pregnant. And you can't just have rats for pets? You know, I'd recommend watching Creek Valley Critters' YouTube channel. They seem to make very cute pets.
  
  
  
• You told her the truth? You barely gave her any answer.
  
• 237?  Crap, this is a Kubrick reference, isn't it?
  
• Why is Meat Loaf banging someone banging a bimbo who belongs in a movie set in the 1920s? And why does he have guards and a medieval-looking dungeon? And why does he have a monkey playing with a rocket in his lab? 
  
• And now they've gone as far as using rocket launches from the 1960s for their stock footage. And how does blowing the German Institute of Scientists lead to him getting all their money?
  
• Firing rockets at a bunch of random monuments is a very strange substitute for sex, Bruce.
  
• How did a roller coaster turn into a subway train? And that looks unusually empty for a subway train.
  
• I must defend my Tefillin at all costs!
  
• And now they're in a car?
  
• And is there a reason they're testing this super serum on a plant?
  
• So, I guess 30 minutes in, the Bulk returns, and all that random horseshit in that took up all this time took place in a single day.
  
• HULK HANDS! I never got them, but I remember the ads. I won't post them because I'm one video away from the limit and I'm saving the third for something special.
  
• So, they basically just do the opening scene over again, this time, from the Bulk's point of view.
  
• The female detective can't even imagine that Henry might be connected to that double homicide, even after he leaves his ID at the scene of the crime? 
  
• Why the fuck did someone write "lynch mob" on that wall?
  
• Did they just cast the Dr. Kantlove segments by recycling the cast of a local production of The Drowsy Chaperone? Seriously, the doctor could be Feldzeig (or maybe Adolfo), Lolita could be Kitty, and then we have the two random-ass gangsters.
  
• Evidently, they got some kid to scribble a star logo on the cop car.
  
• You know, the sad thing is, I can believe that the US Supreme Court Building is that close to the shitty part of Washington.
  
• Who are these random people trying to film the Bulk's fight? And why is he big enough to hold the helicopter like it's a toy when he was a maximum of 12 feet tall earlier?
  
• What have I become, my sweetest friend?
  
• And why does the general have the syringe, and not someone else with him.
  
• So, evidently, he's fucking Nicole Kidman from The Human Stain. 
  
• We interrupt this superhero mockbuster to bring you this YouTube Poop of that scene from 2001 with the spaceship docking.
  
• So, injecting yourself with this Hulk serum makes you prime marriage material?
  
  
  
• Two 2001 spaceship homages in ten minutes?
  
• And blowing up the moon means you'll never watch a rerun of The Honeymooners?
  
• Evidently, Dr. Kantlove lives at Medieval Times.
  
• Why does a picture of the general suffice in pissing him off enough to become the Bulk?
  
• No, you didn't kill both your guards, one of them's just standing in one spot screaming.
  
• WHAT THE FUCK DOES THE STORY ABOUT THE LITTLE GREEN ALIEN WHOSE SPACESHIP  BROKE DOWN AND ASKED TO USE YOUR PHONE HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?
  
• The Bulk's pre-kill movements are too awkward to be intimidating.
  
• I have no idea what the big twist is. So, apparently, the General lost federal funding for his project, so he had Dr. Kantlove subsidise it so he could cure his ED. And now that he's ended up with The Bulk, the serum's a success and therefore he has no choice but to eliminate Kantlove, and also The Bulk, despite being the successful prototype of this super-soldier serum? This makes no sense whatsoever, but whatever, we have this scene:
  
  
  This is gloriously baffling, a bit like the "Help is on the way" sequence in Duck Soup, except the stock footage used here makes less sense, and it's almost like they decided they needed to use the rest of the CGI they bought the rights to, but couldn't fit in the proper movie. And apparently, the director claims he didn't choose to have that chase scene look the way it did, even though he's the fucking director
• Is it weird that I find myself wanting to make a drinking game where the one rule is "Every time a random Kubrick reference happens, take a shot?"
  
• So, Hank survived getting a nuke dropped on him. Why the fuck not?
  
• Good job, it's a shame that you killed Luigi and that random super-pug, but it's a good job all the same.
  
• "I'm Gonna kill you!" "That Boy Needs Therapy" "Play the Kazoo, let's have it tune, On the count of three" "That that that that that boy boy needs therapy" "He was white as a sheet" "And he also made false teeth" 
  
• What a fake-out. We thought we were going to go through the first scene for a third time, and it turned out to be a ripoff of the last scene of Carrie. Neat trick, that.
  

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project, Paparazzi Princess: The Paris Hilton Story, in commemoration of finding out that Paris Hilton's backstory is far more sympathetic than I would have expected.

• It's weird, the first thing I notice about the woman playing Paris is that she looks about as far from Paris as you can get while still being a white blonde girl. And the second thing I notice is that, unlike the real Paris, this girl actually wears underwear.
  
• So, there's three things to know about women: champagne, chocolate, and shoes. And to think that I'm a cheap teetotaler who thinks women actually look sexier barefoot. And that's probably why I'm currently in a committed relationship with a body pillow. Also, I wonder if preferring dark chocolate diminishes me in any way in that equation.
  
• Also, they keep bringing up that Paris just went to Paris and somehow, they avoid turning it into a "Who's on First" situation. And for all the talk about Paris getting shoes in Paris in the opening scenes, there's no reference to how difficult it is to get sexy shoes in a size 11 (or 42 EU).
  
• You know, the sad thing is, even though I was so annoyed at these girls' real-life antics and how inescapable they were back in the day to the point where it was part of the reason I became a socialist (besides it just being one of the most sound systems), I still know enough about them to tell that they were still more interesting than this. 
  
• Since when do coffee joints have a bargain DVD rack? And, the fact that she went from casually ordering a latte to just toddling off to the bargain bin aside for no apparent reason aside, I'd probably go to that coffee shop if they were selling cheap porno DVDs (and bear in mind, the only place I can remember that actually sold porno DVDs is Rolling Stone Records), even though I don't do hot drinks.
  
• So, Rod Stewart's daughter runs with Paris? Is this the same one that eventually shacked up with Guillermo del Toro? Okay, evidently she is.
  
• Nick Nolte? That's who she wants to look like? The fuck? 
  
• I did not think that prison got this rapey even in the drunk tank. 
  
• "The LAPD is like a box of chocolates; You never know what you're going to get." Funny thing, one of my teachers in high school pointed out how wrong that analogy was, even accounting for the fact that the guy who said it is right on the border of mentally challenged. He amended it to being: "if you look closely, you know exactly what you're going to get." Drink enough, and you're probably going to be just over the legal limit at the right time.
  
• And is there a reason Paris getting out of the drunk tank is being scored to a royalty-free version of "Adagio for Strings."
  
• "I'm just misunderstood." A shitty rationale for someone who's obscenely rich to steal from a coffee shop. Who does she think she is, Bob Durst?
  
• Driving just over the legal limit for a first-time offence, and getting a suspended sentence, 3 years probation, and 3 months in AA. That sounds about right, to be honest.
  
• I can only assume that the season where Dexter dates Paris Hilton and gives too little of a shit to stop her from driving with a suspended license happened between Seasons 8 and 9.
  
• I love that the DA (at least, I think that's what she's supposed to be) is hammy and hell-bent on getting her into jail.
  
• These girls still want her publicist even though she just fired him for being incompetent?
  
• Miss Julie? So, I guess she didn't kill herself after all.
  
• Well, that was quick: he just sentenced her to 45 days in prison while barely giving her a chance to explain her case.
  
• "I want your autograph, because you are pathetic."
  
• Is it weird that this movie has more  Paris Hilton feet than The Hottie and the Nottie, which was specifically made to show off her beauty? Then again, Paris considers her size 11s her worst feature IRL.
  
• Why would she break her teeth on iron bars that look like penises? I'm fairly certain biting isn't part of good technique. And how would she even put them in her mouth? Of course, I guess that that was at least a joke about consensual sex. I can remember my mother watching her post-jail interview on Larry King Live and, when she was talking about how life in prison was, saying "I dropped the soap." 
  
• Is it strange that, seeing Paris sobbing, undressing, and sitting on the toilet, I find myself thinking "You know, if you got a camera and some cherry cobbler, she could do a good Crybaby Squat."
  
  
  
• And, all of a sudden, she has serious medical issues. It would have been nice to set those up, movie!
  
• Also, all of a sudden, the paparazzi have a strong enough sense of justice to point out that Paris' 45-day sentence is very disproportionate to her crime. And even then, Nicole Ritchie and Lindsay Lohan also both get separate DUIs and both get away with a jail sentence that's shorter than the length of this film, even as Lindsay was found with cocaine.
  
• Wait, Sarah Silverman was a character in this movie?
  

And now, we'll be getting on to a horror movie for next week, and there's currently 15 choices, and I actually found a way to pick one. I inputted all 15 titles into Wheel of Names, shuffled them, spun the wheel, and they were nice enough to pick Bear.

[Fake Messiah]

"Asterix: The Mansions of the Gods" (2014) - actually, quite an interesting movie about gentrification.

[Gwaithmir]

[Angrboda]

Escape Plan.

[kollyn]

Cruella

[Gwaithmir]

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project is a movie called Bear.  It's a simple enough movie: four young adults en route to a party are terrorised by a bear. And, while I remember this movie being ripped a new asshole on Bad Movie Beatdown about a decade ago, all I can really say is "Let's see how they fuck this up."

• "I'd love to get there alive, rather than dead." Well, that looks like some very shit foreshadowing, Bruce. Especially given that, in the minutes preceding that line, the riskiest thing I've seen is that the opening shots bear an alarming resemblance to Manos: The Hands of Fate if Hal Warren had remembered to include the opening credits this time. Well, maybe the driver's girlfriend putting her hand on his crotch and his decision to go off-road for a shortcut might count, but both of those things happened after the line.
  
• So, that one guy's not only stupid enough to run away from the bear, he shoots at it with nary a warning shot, approaches it while it's retreating to shoot it some more? And when another, larger, bear comes up to the cast howling for blood, another guy doesn't try to get in the car, but decides to play matador with it? 
  
• Also, neither of the two bear species native to North America are endangered.
  
• Did they seriously give the fucking bear an emotional flashback? And why is this bear given more meaningful characterisation than the four humans it's trying to kill? And why are we only being given any clue as to where they were going now and not before the bear attack? Because a 30th anniversary party doesn't seem like much of a twist.
  
• So, the fact that he's a recovering alcoholic is a strike against him?
  
• I wonder how possible it was for just the four of them to flip the car back in its proper position. Or whether it would have been worthwhile to just get back inside as quickly as possible.
  
• Walking in those shoes? Or you could just try to go barefoot. It might not be comfortable, what with it being in the California desert, but it's at night, so it's your only option.
  
• And it's taken this long for the fucking bear to come back. 
  
• Well, that bear claw looks fake as fuck. I can even see the edge of the glove. Hell, there's even a point where we can see the guy with the bear glove waiting outside the pipe for a cue that isn't going to come because he's not supposed to be in that shot.
  
• It's like Mike Tyson did some rewrites of the script.
  
• Huh. If getting mauled by a bear looks that boring, why hasn't Timothy Treadwell's death tape been released?
  
• And the guy still hasn't figured out why the girl who he screwed just once has become distant to him.
  
• They're repeating the word "kill" so often it's almost like they left Arlo Guthrie alone with the Draft Board psychiatrist again.
  
• ... I'm sorry. The fuck? He makes it all the way to the steak house, the bear drags him back to the car? And it's going back for revenge and it knows everything there is to know about the cast? Even though it was dumb enough you almost succeeded in trapping inside the wrecked car with some cake? And, you know what, I want to know how he could have invaded the steak house and dragged him back without ANYONE noticing.
  
• You're pregnant... like with child... or in the family way? Or maybe pad this movie out with more euphemisms for pregnancy? Or should we resort to drawing out the revelation that she's pregnant with someone else's baby.
  
• I didn't mean to have sex with her, I got back out of the shower, still fully erect, then I slipped and fell into her pussy.
  
• Also, something to note, a lot of the time, the titular bear has just looked more bored than anything else. Hell, as the credits roll (to this strange one-woman wail score), he's just rummaging around in the wrecked car.
  
• And for all the emotion this random one-woman wail score is trying to convey, the fact (mentioned at the end of the credits) that the ranch where this movie was shot got decimated in a wild fire has given me more emotion than anything else in the movie.
  

And while I think the wheel I introduced last week might end up making a reappearance, this week won't be it; The next genre in the cycle is musical and there's exactly one musical in the Project's queue at the moment: Sunday School Musical.