The Last Movie You Watched

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project, one of the worst films ever made, co-starring one of the worst people ever made: Ghosts Can't Do It. Brad "The Cinema Snob" Jones considers it (or at least he did when he reviewed it six years ago) one of the worst movies he ever took on, although six years' worth of movies might have changed that. I know I've done this three years and a day, and I've already had to revise my opinion on the worst movie ever multiple times. And this movie about a trophy wife who has to kill a guy, have her late husband possess his corpse, and humour Donald Trump just enough to let you film in his hotel got me intrigued. And with the one-year anniversary of his attempted Self-Coup coming up, I may as well do this film.

• Why does it look like they roped in Ralph Steadman?
  
• And why is there no music in the opening credits? Or does this cattle drive count as music to John Derek's ears? 
  
• Is there a reason they're doing this cattle drive in the middle of winter?
  
• Great One? I know that there was a lot of morally questionable shit early on in John and Bo Derek's relationship (to the extent that they briefly moved to Germany to avoid statutory rape laws, and moved back to the US when she became legal), but I hope it was never that domineering.
  
• You will not cry, and you will not wear black. Gee, that sounds like that's setting up some shitty foreshadowing.
  
• Was playing King Kong ever an option? Are there even that many tall buildings where the Hell this movie's supposed to be set.
  
• 60 is the upper limit for heart transplants? I just looked it up, and the traditional limit was about 65, and now it's about 70, and even that isn't a hard limit.
  
• And is there a reason Bo's doing charades outside while her husband's recuperating from a heart attack?
  
• Don't Go in the Room where my husband killed himself! I still need to fuck him one last time?
  
• "Love me, Great One, you Sonofabitch!"
  
• The very first person to say that they hate the rules for the afterlife?
  
• Wow, you suck at this, Angel. Your first charge convinced you to abandon your duty and banish him to this black Negative Space where it looks like he's underwater for some reason.
  
• I wonder if the other people at Anthony Quinn's funeral are asking "Bo, who the fuck are you talking to?" 
  
• Great... Scott. Is that why they're calling him "The Great One?" Because it's just one step removed from "Great Scott?"
  
• "You Could have taken pills," "Real Men Don't eat quiche?" I usually watch movies with subtitles, and, because they're not available here, I don't know if I'm mishearing the dialogue or if it's just that shit.
  
• Yeah, I'm sure Anthony Quinn was just a piece of meat to Bo Derek and not the other way around. In fairness, the real relationship between John and Bo lasted for 25 years, so I guess there was something legit between them.
  
• "I can hardly feel it when you touch me." No shit, you don't have a corporeal form. And arguing about whether or not relationships between the corporeal and incorporeal are the perfect time and place to remove your swimsuit and sunbathe naked.
  
• "I can't talk to you here, people would think I'm crazy." And this wasn't a concern during the funeral?
  
• Why does the owner of this island look like he's an amalgam of at least three supporting actors from Casablanca?
  
• Fausto? That's apparently a name now?
  
• You know, that  goldfish has to be going crazy with nothing in that chandelier tank but the pearls at the bottom of that tank which seems precariously suspended.
  
• Okay, seeing Anthony Quinn doing most of his performance in isolation reminds me of the film I watched before this: Mysterious Skin. It's a film about child molestation, and, to limit the trauma in the child actors, they did the scenes where each boy was being "seduced" with both the abuser and the survivors in isolation.
  
• Well, it's nice that Anthony Quinn has a fitting victim in his possession: a hunky cipher of a man. Also, Bo is bizarrely open about her plan to have her dead ex possess him.
  
• The irony of Donald Trump working in Hong Kong is exquisite given that 30 years later, the most substantive measure Donald Trump did in relation to the COVID pandemic was call it "The Chinese Virus." Then again, Hong Kong is still its own separate little thing apart from the PRC, and would definitely have been more so when this was made, since it was still a British territory then.
  
• Bo Derek as a late-thirties virgin? This has to be preposterous. 
  
• It's halfway through the movie and this plot is going nowhere.
  
• Bo, is there some part of "incorporeal" you don't understand?
  
• Huh. I'd have suspected Donald Trump would be the one waiting in the shower to rape Bo.
  
• So, that goon's coming to kill Bo? Why the fuck didn't he shoot her when he had the chance? And why the fuck is he giving her some pills?
  
• Why the fuck is she in bed, assuming the position all of a sudden? Are they implying the goon raped her?
  
• Since when is Trump capable of accepting defeat? 
  
• And am I the only one disappointed that we don't get a good chance to see Bo's feet, especially given that she's barefoot for much of the film? There's hardly even much on Wikifeet!
  
• "They're desecrating the Sabbath" "It's Friday." And it's a Friday night (unless it's after midnight on Friday), which is the traditional Jewish start of the Sabbath.
  
• "Great Scott loves Katie O'Dare," so why the fuck didn't they call him Great Scott when he was alive?
  
• Well, Bo's bizarrely cavalier about her plan to kill Fausto with rat poison. And to think it took the last 25 minutes for this plot to go anywhere. And that revelation that he's a thief just came out of nowhere.
  
• Why do I get the feeling that smashing Fausto's face in would ruin a good portion of the possession plot?
  
• Well, it's nice to know the other woman likes to let it all hang out. It would have been nice to see more of it, but then again this isn't her vanity project.
  
• And that was bizarrely convenient: Fausto dies, and Anthony Quinn gets to possess him. He even has Anthony Quinn's voice for some reason.
  
• No, that's "magnificent Bastard," not "Awesome Bastard," get it right, Bo.
  
• And here's how it ends:
  Well, that and a trip back to Wyoming, where it's still in a foot of snow. And, yes that Really Was Donald Trump. That's how he's even credited. Then again, the credits get a bit descriptive. At least from what little I could tell before Tubi decided to cut to the next movie.

Honestly, this was one of the more entertaining bad movies I've watched for the Project. A surprisingly good start for The Project's fourth year. And to think I even considered The Amazing Bulk for today. You know, maybe next week.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

‘The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard’. Much more enjoyable than the last Ryan Reynolds film I saw.

Boru

[Rev. Rye]

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project, Paparazzi Princess: The Paris Hilton Story, in commemoration of finding out that Paris Hilton's backstory is far more sympathetic than I would have expected.

• It's weird, the first thing I notice about the woman playing Paris is that she looks about as far from Paris as you can get while still being a white blonde girl. And the second thing I notice is that, unlike the real Paris, this girl actually wears underwear.
  
• So, there's three things to know about women: champagne, chocolate, and shoes. And to think that I'm a cheap teetotaler who thinks women actually look sexier barefoot. And that's probably why I'm currently in a committed relationship with a body pillow. Also, I wonder if preferring dark chocolate diminishes me in any way in that equation.
  
• Also, they keep bringing up that Paris just went to Paris and somehow, they avoid turning it into a "Who's on First" situation. And for all the talk about Paris getting shoes in Paris in the opening scenes, there's no reference to how difficult it is to get sexy shoes in a size 11 (or 42 EU).
  
• You know, the sad thing is, even though I was so annoyed at these girls' real-life antics and how inescapable they were back in the day to the point where it was part of the reason I became a socialist (besides it just being one of the most sound systems), I still know enough about them to tell that they were still more interesting than this. 
  
• Since when do coffee joints have a bargain DVD rack? And, the fact that she went from casually ordering a latte to just toddling off to the bargain bin aside for no apparent reason aside, I'd probably go to that coffee shop if they were selling cheap porno DVDs (and bear in mind, the only place I can remember that actually sold porno DVDs is Rolling Stone Records), even though I don't do hot drinks.
  
• So, Rod Stewart's daughter runs with Paris? Is this the same one that eventually shacked up with Guillermo del Toro? Okay, evidently she is.
  
• Nick Nolte? That's who she wants to look like? The fuck? 
  
• I did not think that prison got this rapey even in the drunk tank. 
  
• "The LAPD is like a box of chocolates; You never know what you're going to get." Funny thing, one of my teachers in high school pointed out how wrong that analogy was, even accounting for the fact that the guy who said it is right on the border of mentally challenged. He amended it to being: "if you look closely, you know exactly what you're going to get." Drink enough, and you're probably going to be just over the legal limit at the right time.
  
• And is there a reason Paris getting out of the drunk tank is being scored to a royalty-free version of "Adagio for Strings."
  
• "I'm just misunderstood." A shitty rationale for someone who's obscenely rich to steal from a coffee shop. Who does she think she is, Bob Durst?
  
• Driving just over the legal limit for a first-time offence, and getting a suspended sentence, 3 years probation, and 3 months in AA. That sounds about right, to be honest.
  
• I can only assume that the season where Dexter dates Paris Hilton and gives too little of a shit to stop her from driving with a suspended license happened between Seasons 8 and 9.
  
• I love that the DA (at least, I think that's what she's supposed to be) is hammy and hell-bent on getting her into jail.
  
• These girls still want her publicist even though she just fired him for being incompetent?
  
• Miss Julie? So, I guess she didn't kill herself after all.
  
• Well, that was quick: he just sentenced her to 45 days in prison while barely giving her a chance to explain her case.
  
• "I want your autograph, because you are pathetic."
  
• Is it weird that this movie has more  Paris Hilton feet than The Hottie and the Nottie, which was specifically made to show off her beauty? Then again, Paris considers her size 11s her worst feature IRL.
  
• Why would she break her teeth on iron bars that look like penises? I'm fairly certain biting isn't part of good technique. And how would she even put them in her mouth? Of course, I guess that that was at least a joke about consensual sex. I can remember my mother watching her post-jail interview on Larry King Live and, when she was talking about how life in prison was, saying "I dropped the soap." 
  
• Is it strange that, seeing Paris sobbing, undressing, and sitting on the toilet, I find myself thinking "You know, if you got a camera and some cherry cobbler, she could do a good Crybaby Squat."
  
• And, all of a sudden, she has serious medical issues. It would have been nice to set those up, movie!
  
• Also, all of a sudden, the paparazzi have a strong enough sense of justice to point out that Paris' 45-day sentence is very disproportionate to her crime. And even then, Nicole Ritchie and Lindsay Lohan also both get separate DUIs and both get away with a jail sentence that's shorter than the length of this film, even as Lindsay was found with cocaine.
  
• Wait, Sarah Silverman was a character in this movie?
  

And now, we'll be getting on to a horror movie for next week, and there's currently 15 choices, and I actually found a way to pick one. I inputted all 15 titles into Wheel of Names, shuffled them, spun the wheel, and they were nice enough to pick Bear.

[Fake Messiah]

"Asterix: The Mansions of the Gods" (2014) - actually, quite an interesting movie about gentrification.

[Gwaithmir]

[Angrboda]

Escape Plan.

[kollyn]

Cruella

[Gwaithmir]

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project is a movie called Bear.  It's a simple enough movie: four young adults en route to a party are terrorised by a bear. And, while I remember this movie being ripped a new asshole on Bad Movie Beatdown about a decade ago, all I can really say is "Let's see how they fuck this up."

• "I'd love to get there alive, rather than dead." Well, that looks like some very shit foreshadowing, Bruce. Especially given that, in the minutes preceding that line, the riskiest thing I've seen is that the opening shots bear an alarming resemblance to Manos: The Hands of Fate if Hal Warren had remembered to include the opening credits this time. Well, maybe the driver's girlfriend putting her hand on his crotch and his decision to go off-road for a shortcut might count, but both of those things happened after the line.
  
• So, that one guy's not only stupid enough to run away from the bear, he shoots at it with nary a warning shot, approaches it while it's retreating to shoot it some more? And when another, larger, bear comes up to the cast howling for blood, another guy doesn't try to get in the car, but decides to play matador with it? 
  
• Also, neither of the two bear species native to North America are endangered.
  
• Did they seriously give the fucking bear an emotional flashback? And why is this bear given more meaningful characterisation than the four humans it's trying to kill? And why are we only being given any clue as to where they were going now and not before the bear attack? Because a 30th anniversary party doesn't seem like much of a twist.
  
• So, the fact that he's a recovering alcoholic is a strike against him?
  
• I wonder how possible it was for just the four of them to flip the car back in its proper position. Or whether it would have been worthwhile to just get back inside as quickly as possible.
  
• Walking in those shoes? Or you could just try to go barefoot. It might not be comfortable, what with it being in the California desert, but it's at night, so it's your only option.
  
• And it's taken this long for the fucking bear to come back. 
  
• Well, that bear claw looks fake as fuck. I can even see the edge of the glove. Hell, there's even a point where we can see the guy with the bear glove waiting outside the pipe for a cue that isn't going to come because he's not supposed to be in that shot.
  
• It's like Mike Tyson did some rewrites of the script.
  
• Huh. If getting mauled by a bear looks that boring, why hasn't Timothy Treadwell's death tape been released?
  
• And the guy still hasn't figured out why the girl who he screwed just once has become distant to him.
  
• They're repeating the word "kill" so often it's almost like they left Arlo Guthrie alone with the Draft Board psychiatrist again.
  
• ... I'm sorry. The fuck? He makes it all the way to the steak house, the bear drags him back to the car? And it's going back for revenge and it knows everything there is to know about the cast? Even though it was dumb enough you almost succeeded in trapping inside the wrecked car with some cake? And, you know what, I want to know how he could have invaded the steak house and dragged him back without ANYONE noticing.
  
• You're pregnant... like with child... or in the family way? Or maybe pad this movie out with more euphemisms for pregnancy? Or should we resort to drawing out the revelation that she's pregnant with someone else's baby.
  
• I didn't mean to have sex with her, I got back out of the shower, still fully erect, then I slipped and fell into her pussy.
  
• Also, something to note, a lot of the time, the titular bear has just looked more bored than anything else. Hell, as the credits roll (to this strange one-woman wail score), he's just rummaging around in the wrecked car.
  
• And for all the emotion this random one-woman wail score is trying to convey, the fact (mentioned at the end of the credits) that the ranch where this movie was shot got decimated in a wild fire has given me more emotion than anything else in the movie.
  

And while I think the wheel I introduced last week might end up making a reappearance, this week won't be it; The next genre in the cycle is musical and there's exactly one musical in the Project's queue at the moment: Sunday School Musical.