The Last Movie You Watched

[Rev. Rye]

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

‘The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard’. Much more enjoyable than the last Ryan Reynolds film I saw.

Boru

[Rev. Rye]

[Rev. Rye]

[Fake Messiah]

"Asterix: The Mansions of the Gods" (2014) - actually, quite an interesting movie about gentrification.

[Gwaithmir]

[Angrboda]

Escape Plan.

[kollyn]

Cruella

[Gwaithmir]

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project is a movie called Bear.  It's a simple enough movie: four young adults en route to a party are terrorised by a bear. And, while I remember this movie being ripped a new asshole on Bad Movie Beatdown about a decade ago, all I can really say is "Let's see how they fuck this up."

• "I'd love to get there alive, rather than dead." Well, that looks like some very shit foreshadowing, Bruce. Especially given that, in the minutes preceding that line, the riskiest thing I've seen is that the opening shots bear an alarming resemblance to Manos: The Hands of Fate if Hal Warren had remembered to include the opening credits this time. Well, maybe the driver's girlfriend putting her hand on his crotch and his decision to go off-road for a shortcut might count, but both of those things happened after the line.
  
• So, that one guy's not only stupid enough to run away from the bear, he shoots at it with nary a warning shot, approaches it while it's retreating to shoot it some more? And when another, larger, bear comes up to the cast howling for blood, another guy doesn't try to get in the car, but decides to play matador with it? 
  
• Also, neither of the two bear species native to North America are endangered.
  
• Did they seriously give the fucking bear an emotional flashback? And why is this bear given more meaningful characterisation than the four humans it's trying to kill? And why are we only being given any clue as to where they were going now and not before the bear attack? Because a 30th anniversary party doesn't seem like much of a twist.
  
• So, the fact that he's a recovering alcoholic is a strike against him?
  
• I wonder how possible it was for just the four of them to flip the car back in its proper position. Or whether it would have been worthwhile to just get back inside as quickly as possible.
  
• Walking in those shoes? Or you could just try to go barefoot. It might not be comfortable, what with it being in the California desert, but it's at night, so it's your only option.
  
• And it's taken this long for the fucking bear to come back. 
  
• Well, that bear claw looks fake as fuck. I can even see the edge of the glove. Hell, there's even a point where we can see the guy with the bear glove waiting outside the pipe for a cue that isn't going to come because he's not supposed to be in that shot.
  
• It's like Mike Tyson did some rewrites of the script.
  
• Huh. If getting mauled by a bear looks that boring, why hasn't Timothy Treadwell's death tape been released?
  
• And the guy still hasn't figured out why the girl who he screwed just once has become distant to him.
  
• They're repeating the word "kill" so often it's almost like they left Arlo Guthrie alone with the Draft Board psychiatrist again.
  
• ... I'm sorry. The fuck? He makes it all the way to the steak house, the bear drags him back to the car? And it's going back for revenge and it knows everything there is to know about the cast? Even though it was dumb enough you almost succeeded in trapping inside the wrecked car with some cake? And, you know what, I want to know how he could have invaded the steak house and dragged him back without ANYONE noticing.
  
• You're pregnant... like with child... or in the family way? Or maybe pad this movie out with more euphemisms for pregnancy? Or should we resort to drawing out the revelation that she's pregnant with someone else's baby.
  
• I didn't mean to have sex with her, I got back out of the shower, still fully erect, then I slipped and fell into her pussy.
  
• Also, something to note, a lot of the time, the titular bear has just looked more bored than anything else. Hell, as the credits roll (to this strange one-woman wail score), he's just rummaging around in the wrecked car.
  
• And for all the emotion this random one-woman wail score is trying to convey, the fact (mentioned at the end of the credits) that the ranch where this movie was shot got decimated in a wild fire has given me more emotion than anything else in the movie.
  

And while I think the wheel I introduced last week might end up making a reappearance, this week won't be it; The next genre in the cycle is musical and there's exactly one musical in the Project's queue at the moment: Sunday School Musical.