The Last Movie You Watched

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

'Parker' (2013) Jason Statham, Jennifer Lopez, Michael Chiklis.

Not bad if you set your expectations properly. Typical Statham heist/revenge flick. 5/10.

Boru

[Kitan Etos]

The Wretched

A defiant teenage boy, struggling with his parents' imminent divorce, faces off with a thousand year-old witch, who is living beneath the skin of and posing as the woman next door.

[Kitan Etos]

122

On a bloody night in a place where we are supposed to feel safe, a young man and his beloved are struggling not to reach the hospital, but to run away from it. They are trying to survive the night.

[Kitan Etos]

1BR

Sarah tries to start anew in LA, but her neighbours are not what they seem.

[The Valkyrie]

1BR

Sarah tries to start anew in LA, but her neighbours are not what they seem.

Fucking anonymous hipsters!

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project: Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star (also known as Nick Swardson Has a Tiny Penis: The Movie.) Why? Because my library has enabled curbside pickup and I'm finally back to

• Is it just me, but does every shot in this opening montage go on too long? 
  
• So, this guy's putting I think Velveeta on his dick so goats can suck it, and apparently this is common enough that people treat it like he's just picking up the mail.
  
• Is Nick Swardson wearing fake novelty teeth?
  
• This guy picks up a billy club for a pickup, picks a fight with Bucky and hits himself in the eye?
  
• You know what, people claim Adam Sandler is annoying, Nick Swardson is immediately annoying in a way I haven't seen since Bio-Dome.
  
• So, what exactly is supposed to be brown on the pecker of someone who's supposedly ignorant of masturbation? Are they implying he shits himself?
  
• Are they supposed to be teenagers? Because none of them look like teens. I think one of them looks like the old guys from Brooklyn Nine-Nine.
  
• "The Farmer in the Smell" is such a stupid porn title.
  
• How contrived is it that the one porno the guy's friends show him features his parents?
  
• Why would the fiftieth birthday be the time to tell your kid about your time in porn?
  
• Remember when I said Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever makes sense if you assume that it's the product of an alien assimilating turn-of-the-millennium action movie cliches without understanding them? This movie is basically the same with stories about farm boys and boys discovering sexuality.
  
• So, he's from Iowa? So why does he sound like a burlesque version of a Minnesota Nice accent?
  
• is that a leatherman animatronic saying "fart in my mouth?"
  
• Bucky's first instinct is to set up camp in a bush?
  
• Why did they devote an entire minute to Bucky trying and failing to whistle? To a pigeon that whistles?
  
• Read the script=drop trou and jack off immediately?
  
• Somehow, it took about a third of the movie for it to turn out he's got a tiny penis. 
  
• Are porn people really this big jackasses? Waving rubber dildos in the face of complete strangers, humiliating people in front of huge crowds, and pushing them into pools from the roof of their homes?
  
• Jesus God, is that how he jacks off? Hooting like a chimpanzee and almost immediately jizzing on the ceiling? And not giving a shit about the male refractory period?
  
• And why does Don Johnson look like homeless Saul Goodman in a shitty blonde wig?
  
• A dick that's nice and soft? That does not sound like something porn directors want.
  
• Why does Happy Madison think smell is a huge motif in porn titles?
  
• Why do I get the feeling cringe porn is a real subgenre?
  
• Vietnamese mafia? This won't end well...
  
• And how the fuck does that shit sell? That can only barely long enough for a clips4sale clip.
  
• CHARLIE FUCKING CHAPLIN PORN?
  
• So, that's 3 DVDs, how many fucking scenes does he have to film?
  
• Well, it's nice to see a shift in more realistic proportions for porn. 
  
• Dick Shadow can win any award at the AFA awards except newcomer. Even the ones specifically for women.
  
• Pauly Shore is in this? Also, it turns out this and Bio-Dome will be the only appearances of Pauly Shore in the Deep Hurting Project. Unless maybe I find a copy of My Big Fat INdependent Movie.
  
• Does "Bush" apply to male pubes as well as female?
  
• Also, why does he win a dozen of these awards?
  

You know what, fuck it. It's well past midnight, I'm sure I can cover the last 25 minutes of this shit tomorrow.

[Rev. Rye]

And back to the Deep Hurting Project's look into Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star (or the last 25 minutes thereof):

• ... and somehow, he wins Best Dick of the Year.
  
• "Do you have a knife?" as pillow talk. Somehow, I think the Andrei Chikatilo Story would be a much easier sit than this movie. Or whatever serial killer Last Podcast on the Left talked about who had to be feeling up a knife in order to get it up (Joseph Kallinger, maybe?).
  
• And they make Custer's Revenge: The Movie... and fuck you for giving it Ennio Morricone music and giving Bucky a poncho like The Man With No Name. Also, Sergio Leone's characters didn't really deal with Indians. Mexicans, sure, but not Native Americans.
  
• Shut your cock?
  
• And the last shot just keeps getting more disturbing: Bucky's fake teeth are prominently displayed in a freeze-frame, they iris into them, and hold on that iris until the teeth start growing. They don't zoom into the teeth, they just grow like that one Monty Python sketch with the film director whose filmmakers have absurdly long front teeth until they turn into a cursive "The End."
  

And, of course, there's still one Happy Madison movie left in the Project, and by a depressing, if totally understandable, twist, it's the first trailer in the coming attractions: Jack and Jill. Fortunately, that's going to be for another day. And now, to rest, watch Ken Branagh's Hamlet, and place a hold on next week's videos, including next week's entry in the Project: Basic Instinct 2.

[Rev. Rye]

[Gawdzilla Sama]

1998 GINO* movie. Still fun.


*Godzilla In Name Only.

[Rev. Rye]

And if only GINO was actually bad enough to be a part of the Deep Hurting Project.

... also, after a false start a week ago (because the copy I owned glitches and becomes unplayable about 75 minutes in) and 40 minutes trying to find the library’s DVD after I misplaced it, I’m finally going to watch Ken Branagh’s Hamlet.