The Last Movie You Watched

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

'Parker' (2013) Jason Statham, Jennifer Lopez, Michael Chiklis.

Not bad if you set your expectations properly. Typical Statham heist/revenge flick. 5/10.

Boru

[Foxaèr]

The Wretched

A defiant teenage boy, struggling with his parents' imminent divorce, faces off with a thousand year-old witch, who is living beneath the skin of and posing as the woman next door.

[Foxaèr]

122

On a bloody night in a place where we are supposed to feel safe, a young man and his beloved are struggling not to reach the hospital, but to run away from it. They are trying to survive the night.

[Foxaèr]

1BR

Sarah tries to start anew in LA, but her neighbours are not what they seem.

[The Valkyrie]

1BR

Sarah tries to start anew in LA, but her neighbours are not what they seem.

Fucking anonymous hipsters!

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project: Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star (also known as Nick Swardson Has a Tiny Penis: The Movie.) Why? Because my library has enabled curbside pickup and I'm finally back to

• Is it just me, but does every shot in this opening montage go on too long? 
  
• So, this guy's putting I think Velveeta on his dick so goats can suck it, and apparently this is common enough that people treat it like he's just picking up the mail.
  
• Is Nick Swardson wearing fake novelty teeth?
  
• This guy picks up a billy club for a pickup, picks a fight with Bucky and hits himself in the eye?
  
  
  
• You know what, people claim Adam Sandler is annoying, Nick Swardson is immediately annoying in a way I haven't seen since Bio-Dome.
  
• So, what exactly is supposed to be brown on the pecker of someone who's supposedly ignorant of masturbation? Are they implying he shits himself?
  
• Are they supposed to be teenagers? Because none of them look like teens. I think one of them looks like the old guys from Brooklyn Nine-Nine.
  
• "The Farmer in the Smell" is such a stupid porn title.
  
• How contrived is it that the one porno the guy's friends show him features his parents?
  
• Why would the fiftieth birthday be the time to tell your kid about your time in porn?
  
• Remember when I said Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever makes sense if you assume that it's the product of an alien assimilating turn-of-the-millennium action movie cliches without understanding them? This movie is basically the same with stories about farm boys and boys discovering sexuality.
  
• So, he's from Iowa? So why does he sound like a burlesque version of a Minnesota Nice accent?
  
• is that a leatherman animatronic saying "fart in my mouth?"
  
• Bucky's first instinct is to set up camp in a bush?
  
• Why did they devote an entire minute to Bucky trying and failing to whistle? To a pigeon that whistles?
  
• Read the script=drop trou and jack off immediately?
  
• Somehow, it took about a third of the movie for it to turn out he's got a tiny penis. 
  
• Are porn people really this big jackasses? Waving rubber dildos in the face of complete strangers, humiliating people in front of huge crowds, and pushing them into pools from the roof of their homes?
  
• Jesus God, is that how he jacks off? Hooting like a chimpanzee and almost immediately jizzing on the ceiling? And not giving a shit about the male refractory period?
  
  
  
• And why does Don Johnson look like homeless Saul Goodman in a shitty blonde wig?
  
• A dick that's nice and soft? That does not sound like something porn directors want.
  
• Why does Happy Madison think smell is a huge motif in porn titles?
  
• Why do I get the feeling cringe porn is a real subgenre?
  
• Vietnamese mafia? This won't end well...
  
• And how the fuck does that shit sell? That can only barely long enough for a clips4sale clip.
  
• CHARLIE FUCKING CHAPLIN PORN?
  
• So, that's 3 DVDs, how many fucking scenes does he have to film?
  
• Well, it's nice to see a shift in more realistic proportions for porn. 
  
• Dick Shadow can win any award at the AFA awards except newcomer. Even the ones specifically for women.
  
• Pauly Shore is in this? Also, it turns out this and Bio-Dome will be the only appearances of Pauly Shore in the Deep Hurting Project. Unless maybe I find a copy of My Big Fat INdependent Movie.
  
• Does "Bush" apply to male pubes as well as female?
  
• Also, why does he win a dozen of these awards?
  

You know what, fuck it. It's well past midnight, I'm sure I can cover the last 25 minutes of this shit tomorrow.

[Rev. Rye]

And back to the Deep Hurting Project's look into Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star (or the last 25 minutes thereof):

• ... and somehow, he wins Best Dick of the Year.
  
• "Do you have a knife?" as pillow talk. Somehow, I think the Andrei Chikatilo Story would be a much easier sit than this movie. Or whatever serial killer Last Podcast on the Left talked about who had to be feeling up a knife in order to get it up (Joseph Kallinger, maybe?).
  
• And they make Custer's Revenge: The Movie... and fuck you for giving it Ennio Morricone music and giving Bucky a poncho like The Man With No Name. Also, Sergio Leone's characters didn't really deal with Indians. Mexicans, sure, but not Native Americans.
  
• Shut your cock?
  
• And the last shot just keeps getting more disturbing: Bucky's fake teeth are prominently displayed in a freeze-frame, they iris into them, and hold on that iris until the teeth start growing. They don't zoom into the teeth, they just grow like that one Monty Python sketch with the film director whose filmmakers have absurdly long front teeth until they turn into a cursive "The End."
  

And, of course, there's still one Happy Madison movie left in the Project, and by a depressing, if totally understandable, twist, it's the first trailer in the coming attractions: Jack and Jill. Fortunately, that's going to be for another day. And now, to rest, watch Ken Branagh's Hamlet, and place a hold on next week's videos, including next week's entry in the Project: Basic Instinct 2.

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project: Basic Instinct II. So, Sharon Stone has the dubious honour of becoming a star and completely destroying that star power with the exact same fucking role. It's not that she got typecast, it's that she made a mega-successful film, and 14 years later, she made a sequel that was so bad it more or less tanked her career. Of the 28 films she released after this, I recognised the titles of six of them, and of those four, The Disaster Artist was the only one I had seen. Only 10 have had enough viewers for a Rotten Tomatoes score, and, surprisingly, the only two with overall fresh ratings, TDA and Rolling Thunder Revue, aren't even on her page. So, what happened with the sequel? Well, there's one big scene from the film that literally everyone who knows the film remembers:

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Unfortunately, in this film, she never recreates that scene. I checked the Celebrity Movie Archive, and the closest thing to it is a deleted scene where she walks around braless in a wet T-shirt. But, you may be asking, surely there's more to this movie's failure than that. Right? Well, let's look into it:

• About a minute's worth of logos to start with. Always a good sign.
  
• She's going out of her way to romance this guy who's barely conscious, and even masturbating... while she's driving. Good thing London isn't one of the most populated cities in the world with a lot of traffic, otherwise, this would have ended badly even before she decided to swerve into that glass Coke add into the Thames.
  
• Wow. It's almost like she's not even trying to create a level of plausible deniability when she's murdering her paramours. Or even creating an opportunity to show off her pantyless crotch like in the last film, since she's actually wearing trousers.
  
• During a lull, I managed to find the trailer, and I can see this a movie:
  
  
  From this trailer, I expect a movie with a good balance of sex, and a thrilling (if obviously kinda preposterous, especially given that the original film was written to be the lowest common denominator for an erotic thriller and still became the highest-selling screenplay at the time) plot. Meanwhile, at the 30-minute mark, the only real sexy scene was the opening, and even in that case, I was more distracted by how baffling it was. There's a couple potential places for a pantyless upskirt shot, but no. It's all just plot.  And that plot is basically just a retread of the first, except instead of an LA cop, it's a London forensic psychiatrist, and Catherine's giving less of a shit. Also, one of the producers is named Andrew G. Vajna. Presumably no relation there.
• Huge lines at a bookstore. Anyone else feel the nostalgia? Both for heavily populated bookstores and the ability to actually stay in there?
  
• Oh, look, a potentially sexy scene of her rubbing one foot on another that's shot a lot more prosaically than the trailer would suggest. And to think that by this point in the original, we got to know every square centimeter of her pussy. And even as a foot fetishist, we don't even get a good enough shot for it to work as spank material, willfully sexy shoes aside. It's rather telling that Kate Winslet as a Birkenstock-wearing mum in Little Children does more for me than this scene. Also, she's usually barefoot at home in the first film, and in the second, she never is.
  
• And 38 minutes in, the protagonist is fucking Catherine Trammell. And every time I see his face, it looks like he's a couple seconds away from throwing up. Or at least asking for a dramamine. Sharon Stone looks incredible for her age. So why can't I watch this scene without thinking "this is probably what the Prime Minister in The National Anthem had to go through when he fucked the pig"? That's the last thing I should be thinking about for this movie.
  
• Why is he not familiar with autoerotic asphyxiation? I knew about it by that point and I was a 16-year old who'd never even spoken to a girl like I was interested in her.
  
• She's teasing him about potentially murdering the autoerotic guy while they're not even sure what's happening. There's a trope for that and it's interesting to note that Drawn Together in its most reviled season, managed to play it smarter than this film in "Drawn Together Babies."
  
• And she's doing a Christine Keeler pose, creating yet another missed opportunity for a snatch shot. I know I've been harping on the missed opportunity for some sexy shit, but A) it was a crucial part of the first film's success, B) you promised something similar to the first film in the trailer, and C) the non-sexual parts are giving me so little to work with.
  
• You can't lock someone up just because you think they might do something? Well, she's been suspected in at least two murders in the film's runtime alone, the psychologist in the first case described her as having very textbook psychopathic symptoms, and, if The Psychopath Test is any indication, in the UK, that should very well be enough for a one-way ticket to Broadmoor. Of course, Tony was probably convicted in the first place.
  
• And why is he surprised she's into some really kinky sex? He fucked her, and one of the murders she's suspected of imitates a rather notorious kink.
  

• Let me guess, Not-Robert-Smith isn't actually German IRL.
  
• Also, I just noticed that we're about two-thirds of the way through and the brief scenes of him buying her book and the protagonist looking at it, plus maybe a couple scattered references to her writing aside, the fact that she's a novelist plays shockingly little of a part. In the original, it's a crucial plot point. It may be preposterous that a serial killer would kill someone and write their deaths into their best-selling novels afterward, and it is probably the most fundamental plot hole in the first film. But to repeatedly ignore it like they do in the sequel film just creates an even bigger plot hole, since, as of the beginning of the first film, she's a suspect in at least five deaths, and before and after, she's in the public eye. Does NOBODY in Scotland Yard know about her history? And they say that she's been suspected in two deaths at one point. Just two, and neither one exists outside the confines of this film. To reiterate: This best-selling novelist with a known possible body count. They have to ask the SFPD for information by the last fifth of the film for information that would, in a sane world, at least be on her Wikipedia page. Hell, even Bill Cosby's Wikipedia page mentioned the sexual assault claims in 2006 before Hannibal Burress brought it out into the open. And the circumstances would almost certainly merit more than three sentences, even if it never got past the indictment stage. Hell, O.J. Simpson's been suspected of two murders and it all but totally ruined his career, even after he was found not guilty.
  
• ...And not only do we not see Sharon Stone recreate the famous scene from the first film, she actually wears panties in this film.
  
  
  
• And the big twist is that he's written him into the book as the killer and not herself...
  

And next week is going to be The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure

[Gawdzilla Sama]

1998 GINO* movie. Still fun.


*Godzilla In Name Only.

[Rev. Rye]

And if only GINO was actually bad enough to be a part of the Deep Hurting Project.

... also, after a false start a week ago (because the copy I owned glitches and becomes unplayable about 75 minutes in) and 40 minutes trying to find the library’s DVD after I misplaced it, I’m finally going to watch Ken Branagh’s Hamlet.