The Last Movie You Watched

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project, one of only a few Christmas films left in the Project, Santa with Muscles.

• Why is this shot like a horror movie?
  
• This may be the last Christmas you spend with your friends at the orphanage? Shouldn't that always be a possibility, what with adoption being a thing?
  
• And Hulk Hogan does the old Clouseau gag of having his employees attack him so he can keep his martial arts skills fresh, and I'm not sure if having him be this competent makes it worse, but having it be this drawn out makes it less funny.
  
• Also, Hulk Hogan barely looks like Hulk Hogan. He's got this preppy-looking hair, and none of the characteristic dictation, Brother! We only recognise him when he puts on a do-rag for Paintball, and for some reason, he sounds like he's trying to audition for Patrick Bateman. Crap, this is what he sounds like when he's not in character, isn't it?
  
• A paintball hit at that range? Why does he only barely react?
  
• Our hero, going into car chases with the cops and firing paintballs at them.
  
• Why does Mr. Frost's personal physician look like Emo Phillips?
  
• Mr. Frost's team of scientists involve a geologist in a pith helmet, a chemist who looks like a ghostbuster, and Ms. Watt, who has no discipline, but does look like a Rocky Horror Reject and has electric powers of some kind.
  
• And if that use of "Up on the Housetops" is any indication, Santa's probably getting raped. Fuck me, Black Christmas 2019 has fucked up Christmas.
  
• Hulk Hogan is the richest man in 10 states? So, he lives in ten states?
  
• No. Yes? No. Yes? Why does this sound like I'm talking to the guys in high school who kept demanding I have butt sex with them?
  
• And that's why I don't bother with biometric passwords.
  
• Also, I forgot to mention. One of the film's producers? Jordan Fucking Belfort. Yes, the same Jordan Fucking Belfort whose life story was made into The Wolf of Wall Street. And I had to check the opening credits again just to be sure. I can only assume that this was just a deal he made while he was on some ancient Lemmons.
  
• So, is there a reason he's fucking with the orphanage? Besides him being the villain in a shitty kid's movie and that just being SOP for their type?
  
• And apparently, Hulk Hogan's huge enough that he can stop a car just by holding onto a rope that's dangling there.
  
• You know, the kid asking how he did that raises a damn good question.
  
• Well, at least Mila Kunis is trying her best in this film, even if she will disown it as soon as she can.
  
• Also, is there a reason nobody recognises Hulk Hogan, even though he's the richest man in 10 states?
  
• Why does their laughing sound so fake and so obviously looped? And why do I hear the Coffin Dance in their tonalities?
  
• Also, who is that black guy, and why is he trying so hard to act like Scatman Crothers?
  
• He's on the cover of a cereal box and nobody recognises him? Seriously?
  
• Wow. That sleeveless Santa vest will feel great when I'm up at the freezing North Pole!
  
• And that Santa beard is such an effective disguise that even the news media doesn't pick up on it?
  
• Huh. Hulk Hogan doesn't remember his own name, but he remembers the song "Angel Baby"?
  
• Also, I heard her saying "My mom was listening" as "my mom was a snake" and wondered if this has something Huggy Bear counted as porn.
  
• And he even knows the vault combination, but still doesn't know his real name?
  
• So, that's why the bad guy was trying to get the orphanage! It's covering up a Fraggle hole! I mean a cave full of these random explosive crystals.
  
• Please tell me this fight scene with Hulk Hogan and a candy cane-wielding Emo Phillips isn't an homage to Vertigo.
  
• And somehow, Hulk Hogan was outsmarted by an animatronic.
  
• So, is amnesia both caused and cured by being exposed to garbage in this movie?
  
• They're trying so damn hard to make spraying disinfectant seem badass. Also, why sterilise it if you're just going to stay in your hasmat suit.
  
• And using children as miners? That can't be legal. At least not in 1996.
  
• Does salad dressing make roads more slippery? I'm curious, but not sufficiently stupid to test it out. 
  
• And how convenient, both the hero and the bad guy also grew up in the orphanage. And they're brothers.
  

[Fake Messiah]

I sat down to watch a Christmas movie and it turned out to be a lesbian romance Christmas movie

[Rev. Rye]

You know what, I think I'm going to do the Deep Hurting Project a day early today. This week, it's a movie called Frozen Flesh.  And I think it may be the worst movie ever made.  Here it is:





So, what makes it so bad? Well, are you familiar with the work of Robert Wilson? He's the director responsible for bringing Einstein on the Beach to the world. His style is often willfully strange, and very slow, as in "a maid bringing a glass of milk to two children and then stabbing them one by one with absolutely nothing omitted from this description can easily take half an hour" slow. This is apparently done to get the audience to get to internalise it on a level beyond normal theater, inspired by his work with a deaf child and a severely autistic child. I am almost certainly not explaining this well, but it's like the director of this movie is trying to create a similar effect while barely understanding how it's supposed to work. You could play it at twice the normal speed and it would still be unbearably tedious. I know this because that's exactly what I just did.

According to IMDb, this is the plot: "A mass murderer kills his victims, then cooks and eats them."

And I'm going to explain what happens in as much detail as it warrants:

• 0:00-2:31: Opening Credits
  
• 2:31-5:16: I think something melts. It may be a candle, but shooting it in infrared makes it impossible to tell what I'm looking at.  Get used to me not knowing what the fuck I'm even supposed to be looking at
  
• 5:16-6:25: What I think may just be a still of a faucet.
  
• 6:25-9:17: Water goes down the drain, as does what I think is supposed to be some blood. Eventually a hand brushes the last of it down the drain.
  
• 9:17-20:46: Something is being coked in a pan. Eventually, smoke starts to appear. Actually, it may just be boiling water. After a bit less than ten minutes, something gets dropped into the pan with a ladle, which stirs it.
  
• 20:47- 22:51: Something that may be sauce is getting dropped onto a pan. It stirs it and eventually, the pan is removed.
  
• 22:51-36:21: There is a hand. After 30 seconds of just laying there, someone drips sauce all over it in a haphazard way. Around 25:30, a hand places some sort of red square at the corner of the screen. Around 26:41, something else that may or may not be a dry rub is poured over it, and eventually engulfing it in a display of "What the Hell am I even looking at?" At 31:25, something starts moving it around. At 34:50, someone starts sprinkling some more shit on the hand.
  
• 36:21-43:42: We see a man in a black hood and a striped shirt. He is breathing. That's about it.
  
• 43:42- 58:21: Either it's the same guy from the previous shot stabbing nothing in particular, or it's another guy stabbing the first guy. He is in profile. His shirt is evidently long enough that he can just cover his hand with his sleeve so he doesn't get his fingerprints on the murder weapon.
  
• 58:21-62:03: We see the guy from the previous shot from the front. He's just rotating the knife as if to show it off.
  
• 62:03- 66:21: The guy from three shots ago is doing his thing and just breathing. At 63:44, there's a cut for some reason.
  
• 66:22-75:27: The guy from two shots ago is seen from the front and stabbing, even more slowly than usual for this movie.
  
• 75:28-107:25: He's back in profile, and he's stabbing. Stabby Stab stab, to quote one of the girls from Wisconsin who tried to sacrifice one of her friends to Slender Man.
  
• 107:25-111:59: Ending Credits.
  

That is literally it. The only sound is the auteur Justin French banging on a keyboard, occasionally approaching something that could be considered music. And, after a few days of defending his "work" by acting like anyone who doesn't like it just doesn't get it, he apparently decided to reverse course and claim he was just doing what he did as, and I'm quoting his confession verbatim here,

A joke designed to bring out the best (and the worst) in vicious audiences who will spit and hurl personal insults at artists who want nothing more than to have themselves heard creatively.

Pretentious jerks who will do anything and everything to make themselves feel superior.

So, I made "Frozen Flesh" as an act of vigilance for all filmmakers out there who dedicate their heart & soul to their films, only to have them torn apart. It's one thing to attack a film. It's another to attack a fellow human being just because he expressed his creativity

And I figure I may as well reply with this Family Guy clip.




And, hopefully, I'll take on Jamie Kennedy's KDOC New Year's special when the day comes.

[brewer]

Scrooged, the kid had never seen it.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

We just finished re-watching the whole ‘Harry Potter’ series (kind of a Christmas tradition), and I have a complaint:

People at this school can travel through time, transform into animals at will, shapeshift, make potions that can re-grow missing bones, fly about on magic broomsticks, teleport, and cast all manner of spells.

But not once - in seven fucking years - did anyone think to fix Harry’s vision.

Boru

[Gwaithmir]

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project, a supplemental special called KDOC First Night. They got Jamie Kennedy of Son of the Mask to host it. And, by God, it was a trainwreck. And, apparently, he actually planned to make it that bad.

• (0:12) Just wait for 2020. Or this year.
  
• (1:21) I would have made a joke about I Know Who Killed Me
  
• (1:55) You know, listening to how bad these jokes are, I can really see Jamie Kennedy's claim that this was actually made bad on purpose. 
  
• (3:00) Yeah, and that sex tape's called A Serbian Film.
  
• (5:58) And to think that if this was an Eric Andre special, he'd be fucking with some random celebrity's head. And he's still doing bad stand-up.
  
• (7:15) This may be the first time I actually said "Thank Fuck, the commercials are here." At least the first time not related to my bladder.
  
• (10:33) I think they fixed the gaffe where the Shannon Elizabeth video started with a shot of Jamie Kennedy moping on stage.
  
• (11:15) I don't know what exactly has been going on with Drake Bell, only that I'm sure I should be snarking about it.
  
• (14:42) Okay, so we're on short films. Is anything going to happen?
  
• (15:14) A casino mascot?
  
• (16:00) So, this is what happens when Jamie Kennedy's actually turned down for a spot in Movie 43? 
  
• (17:20) That's your idea of a funny question?
  
• (18:32) And it took this long to actually vocally plug Carl's Jr/Hardees. 
  
• (20:52) I think Jamie Kennedy's trying to be Sacha Baron Cohen, except he's actually trying to not be funny.
  
• (24:39) Are these the same couple commercials as the last break, but in a different order? 
  
• (26:45) We know it's a turkey burger, it's the same burger you've been advertising in the last two commercial breaks.
  
• (30:00) Somehow, this is even less funny than the stuff he did in the opening. Especially when he's talking about DIY shit. 
  
• (33:32) Is Macy Gray drunk? In fairness, I'd probably be, too. At least if I wasn't on multiple meds that don't play nice with alcohol.
  
• (34:34) Macy Gray, you are not Ian Drury, and if you're using the mic stand like a cane, there's clearly something wrong.
  
• (39:23) Now, she's clearly drunk. She said it was 45 minutes to midnight when it's closer to nine.
  
• (43:00) I don't know who this woman is, but she's evidently doing better than Macy Gray is. 
  
• (45:37) WHAT?
  
• (47:56) So, it looks like they're going to get the time off by ten seconds?
  
• (48:07) Girl Squad? Did they remove the teen?
  
• (48:29) It's a special kind of New Year's show that starts their countdown the second the clock strikes 12.  
  
• (53:32) And they actually censored the F-bombs that the original airing left uncensored. 
  
• (58:15) I really wish I could find the version that actually left the f-bombs go uncensored. 
  
• (63:24) These guys are supposed to be Mayans?
  
  
  So, evidently, this didn't make Movie 43 because they're just glorified commercials.
• (65:52) A good prediction, to be honest. 
  
• (67:12) Well, that's a very slow means of getting champagne.
  
• (71:53) Carl's Jr, and a heart disease charity. An odd choice of sponsors.
  
• (73:44) How did they get Dennis Rader to play this show? 
  
• (79:44) No need for a heist, unless maybe you're one of the many people didn't who win the tournament.
  
• (86:29) I think I've said before that rape can be made funny. However, repeatedly talking about a rape scene is not how you make it funny.
  
• (88:20) Is there a reason they've repeatedly chosen to censor the F-bombs? Because I know they were uncensored in the original airing, and I don't think live New Year's Eve specials have much re-run potential, even if they didn't fuck it up.
  
• (88:50) The term is "Interspecies Erotica, fucker," fucker!
  
• (89:23) Sandusky was gay, dude. 
  
• (91:06) Why does nothing about this remind me of 1990?
  

Well, that was disappointing. Especially since a lot of the shitty stuff that TVTropes claimed was in the original broadcast is missing from this upload. No Jamie Kennedy moping on stage, no uncensored F-bombs, no Bone Thugs and Harmony welcoming 1999 14 years too late, no ending where they break into a fight. And here's hoping that an upload that isn't censored comes on YouTube in 2022.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

‘Red Notice’ (2021), with Dwayne Johnson, Ryan Reynolds, and Gal Godot - three people who should have known better.

Boru

[h4ym4n]

Big Fish

[Goosebump]

Two of the most beautiful godlike examples of human sexual perfection fuck each-other in space. It is art! Yet the Moverotzie would have you believe it is a picture about psychological stress, loneliness and the trauma of isolation, as if anyone could relate to being that attractive!