Darkness at the arch (A story I wrote)

[John V]

Note that sentence fragments can be used in fiction, but such use must be infrequent, and can't be early in the book.

Could you elaborate on the part in bold?

Sure. If you use a sentence fragment early in the book, readers will think you're incompetent and quit reading. If you demonstrate that you're competent for a couple chapters and then use one, readers will give you the benefit of the doubt that it was intentional.

Of course, this mainly applies to unknowns. An established author has, well, already established credibility, and can break the rules on the first page if he chooses.

[Faith No More]

Sure. If you use a sentence fragment early in the book, readers will think you're incompetent and quit reading. If you demonstrate that you're competent for a couple chapters and then use one, readers will give you the benefit of the doubt that it was intentional.

Of course, this mainly applies to unknowns. An established author has, well, already established credibility, and can break the rules on the first page if he chooses.

I see your point, and it is a very valid one, indeed.

Although I think there could be exceptions, like if the story was first person.

[Lemonvariable72]

Your opinion is valid, but as a matter of politeness, etiquette, and common decency, why don't you offer the man some explanation. Maybe some constructive criticism instead of a cold remark that offers nothing. You just came off as purposefully rude.

Actually, I refrained from a more detailed criticism so I wouldn't appear deliberately rude, but OK.

My main issue with the piece is that it is replete with logical problems:

- The action takes place before the gates of Eden in Israel. Why is Eden in Israel?

-Why is Satan wearing a suit? We are told this is a form of mockery, but the mockery isn't explained. What is Satan mocking and why?

-Why are they all armed with swords? What is Satan doing with a tomahawk?

-A pillar of flame shoots towards Satan, but the flame is described as 'omnidirectional'.

-How is that an angel can be slain by a sword, bleed to death, or have a mother?

There are other issues - not so much logical errors as problems with the crafting of the story. Anton Chekhov once remarked that a writer of fiction needs to tell the reader everything necessary to understand the conflict the story is about, and that simply wasn't done here. I think this short-short could be MUCH better if re-crafted as a short story or a novella. There's simply too much left out to make it work as written.

Boru

Well the reason I went with is real is because its the promisedlLand and basically seemed as good as anywhere in middle when it comes to the garden.
Its the fact that it is a suit from the 50s which is a time most Christians think of as more pure.
The bible, whenever in depicts angels in any kind of military action, describes them as using sword, like a cherub with flaming sword gaurding eden. Satan in this story prefers human type weapons, especially if they were used by people standingbagianst religious tryanny.
Also that flame could be made to move in any direction the angels want.
And finally for the purposes of the story they are basically like us, to each other thus they can kill one another and what not. As for the mother bit, why not, the bible doesn't say how they all came to be

[John V]

I see your point, and it is a very valid one, indeed.

Although I think there could be exceptions, like if the story was first person.

Yes, you could certainly have a sentence fragment in dialogue, and first person is akin to dialogue.

---

Well the reason I went with is real is because its the promisedlLand and basically seemed as good as anywhere in middle when it comes to the garden.

Gen 2 includes the Tigris & Euphrates, and other place references regarding Eden. Plus, it's a garden, which makes more sense in a jungle setting than a desert.

If you're going to write based on history or literature, you have to know that history or literature. You can depart from it, but you'll have to explain that departure at some point or you'll lose readers familiar with the originals.

[Walking Void]

Well the reason I went with is real is because its the promisedlLand and basically seemed as good as anywhere in middle when it comes to the garden. Its the fact that it is a suit from the 50s which is a time most Christians think of as more pure. The bible, whenever in depicts angels in any kind of military action, describes them as using sword, like a cherub with flaming sword gaurding eden. Satan in this story prefers human type weapons, especially if they were used by people standingbagianst religious tryanny. Also that flame could be made to move in any direction the angels want. And finally for the purposes of the story they are basically like us, to each other thus they can kill one another and what not. As for the mother bit, why not, the bible doesn't say how they all came to be

The exact location of the Garden of Eden is not known, and will never be known, because the bible states that its relative location has undergone various changes... whether it be the construction of the Tower of Babel (same location), or the great flood which eroded the landscape.

(still an imaginary place though )

So, really, anywhere in the Middle East is an OK place to start.

For the "omnidirectional" flame comment, I think You want "manipulable flames".

As for the friend of Lucifer, ~33% of the angels defected to Satan's army before God casted them out of heaven. So there are plenty of demons (fallen angels ) for Lucifer to interact with. For instance, his friend could have been Baal.

[Minimalist]

I'm no judge....I don't generally read fiction. Except when I have to page through the fucking bible to refute some jesus freak.

[max-greece]

I liked it but it needs a lot of work. Several sentences are fragments aside from the one already pointed out.

Some of the action is a bit confusing - I didn't get how everything was suddenly plunged into darkness as it was apparently already night.

You've made the whole ensemble much more human that I think I would have done - jugular vein? On an angel? Stabbed through the heart?

There is definitely something there. I have seen other stories with role reversals for God and the devil. You might want to get hold of a copy of the Deathbird Stories (Harlan Ellison). That is a collection of short stories but the last one is the Deathbird story and that is the one that would be of interest.

Making the devil blond is a nice touch - I'm assuming you have done away with the horns, tail and red complexion. The fedora is hilarious. Definitely keep that.

[Lemonvariable72]

I liked it but it needs a lot of work. Several sentences are fragments aside from the one already pointed out.

Some of the action is a bit confusing - I didn't get how everything was suddenly plunged into darkness as it was apparently already night.

You've made the whole ensemble much more human that I think I would have done - jugular vein? On an angel? Stabbed through the heart?

There is definitely something there. I have seen other stories with role reversals for God and the devil. You might want to get hold of a copy of the Deathbird Stories (Harlan Ellison). That is a collection of short stories but the last one is the Deathbird story and that is the one that would be of interest.

Making the devil blond is a nice touch - I'm assuming you have done away with the horns, tail and red complexion. The fedora is hilarious. Definitely keep that.

I was actually toying with the idea that the devil can change forms, and as in the story make himself into darkness. Also I think I'd read Harlan Ellison because its Harlan Ellison, I seen his one star trek episode and it was amazing.
Beyond that I hope to have a revised draft in a few days.

[Doubting Thomas]

Although I think there could be exceptions, like if the story was first person.

Or possibly if it's a character speaking and they have the personality trait of speaking in incomplete sentences. Like this. Right now.

The simple fact is that writing is hard. I find it incredibly hard to write fiction. When it comes to non-fiction technical articles I'm a whiz at it, since there's no story to make up. But I always find writing a story and making it compelling and interesting is extremely hard work. Sometimes even trying to find the right metaphors to describe something escapes me.