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Darkness at the arch (A story I wrote)
#1
Darkness at the arch (A story I wrote)
Here is a little story I wrote, I put it here for you all to reveiw. Please be honest with and tell me whet you think and do not hesitate to point out any errors here. Don't to post any questions. EnjoySmile

A cold wind swept up the desert as the Lucifer approached, in the black of night. His handsome blond hair under his fedora moving with wind of the Israeli desert. Beneath the immaculate dress shoes of his tall and handsome figure was a tract of desert that no man hand tread in many years. As he walked he the fire red glow that only eyes of angel or demon could see became apparent, and the feeling of exhilaration began to build inside of him. This was a moment he had waited for since the fall of man.
The cherub stood at the arch as he saw a figure approach, and brandished his flaming sword, as a warning. As the figure drew closer he saw and felt whom it was, Lucifer, the leader of the rebellion. At this he smiled, for he slain Satan's men gleefully at the fall, he was one of the Lord's finest warriors. When the figure came close, The cherub taunted “Ah so another demon has come for me to slay!”
At this Lucifer simply smirked and continued his approach, in the clear. He dress was odd for this moment, like that of a handsome 50's business man, and unbeknown to the cherub this was a form of mockery.
As Lucifer crossed the last several feet the arch to eden became apparent, and the cherub with flame sword in his hand called out “Stop Serpent!” and Lucifer's ice cold eye's peered up into the eyes of his opponent. This cherub looked like a strong and handsome man clothed in light, with a loose robe. “ And who is it that demands that I stop?” The cherub look quizzically then laughed “ are so old that you forget like a frail old man?” “ah so It is you, that arrogant shit that killed my soldiers in the fall. Why you have not changed a bit.” The cherub let forth his battle cry and three others like him, with flaming blades.
“Well Lucifer this is your suicide.” They stepped forth from the arch together and pointed their swords up at a angle and made a stop gestured point to Lucifer with the other, chanting in Hebrew. A pillar of flame shot towards Lucifer and in a instant all that appeared where Satan stood was a small bit of ash. When the fight seemed over the cherubim let off the omni-directional fire and lead one said “I never thought I'd get to roast Satan here” they then let out a hardy laugh.
The light went out and very quickly everything became pitch dark as though a blanket had been thrown over them. The cherubim looked about confused, as they, the swords, and the arch itself became ominously black.Without a sound sword pierced the chest the 4th cherub and he screamed in agony, but that same instant, the same sword hit the jugular vein of the 3rd cherub and then stabbed through the throat of the 2nd. Leaving pure carnage and dieing angels about the desert floor. The first cherubim swung his sword blindly and swore, then yelled “What evil is this you snake!” Lucifer responded in a booming that seemed to come from all around “ Not evil, only justice.” The cherub again swung at nothing and roared “WHAT WOULD YOU KNOW OF JUSTICE! YOUR NOTHING MORE THEN A DAMNED COWARD!”
A deep booming voice in the dark countered “ a good deal more then the lord you worship. He wanted Adam and eve to worship him as ignorant children, who to this day hides his face from the men and women that would confront him.” The cherub reaffirmed the grip on sword to hide his terror, his voice barely steady “you lie!” Satan then laughed a booming bitter laugh “ Do think I gambled everything on a lie? No, my friends, lover and soldiers all died in that war and for what? All to stop a travesty, only to see it all for nothing, I gave eve that fruit and your Lord made me the evil one. He saw what I planned, to give humanity a chance to make themselves something better. Instead we pull into the fold, made me part of the game, like pawns be cast to and fro. No more.”
Satan appeared from the dark and his sword lashed out into the hamstring on the cherub, followed by a blow to his chest with Satan's free hand. He fell with a blood curdling scream. He laid in the sand on his back, vulnerable, the lights and sights blurred. Satan came up to him, placing a foot his throat, and he looked the cherub in the eye and calmly spoke “Did you think I forgot, you the great soldier of the lord? You gleefully murdered my people, like a sick animal. Now you lay here like a ailing pet, at my mercy. This is just for you.”
Lucifer pulled from his side a tomahawk and plunged it into the cherub's strong chest with blood spurting everywhere. With the cherubs chest wide open and him struggling to even breathe as he bled Satan stood. Five other fallen angels appeared next to him, and without breaking eye contact with the cherub he said “The ritual worked, you know what to do.” without another word turned and walked into the garden.” Satan then knelt beside the cherub “ remember that angel you tortured to death? He was like a son to me and promised his mother to keep him safe.”
Lucifer then stood and turned to join the others in the garden, thinking “after tonight, with fruit from the tree of life humanities finest will be free, hell will be free”
To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.
Reply
#2
RE: Darkness at the arch (A story I wrote)
Didn't care for it.

Boru
‘But it does me no injury for my neighbour to say there are twenty gods or no gods. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.’ - Thomas Jefferson
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#3
RE: Darkness at the arch (A story I wrote)
(November 1, 2013 at 12:44 am)BrianSoddingBoru4 Wrote: Didn't care for it.

Boru

Your opinion is valid, but as a matter of politeness, etiquette, and common decency, why don't you offer the man some explanation. Maybe some constructive criticism instead of a cold remark that offers nothing. You just came off as purposefully rude.





IMO:
It's an interesting take on Lucifer, but I feel like you're trying to put way too much information into a few small paragraphs. I do think you're onto something with the garden pre-quel angle. That was fun. It makes me want to see less dialogue from the Devil and instead put that information into a back story. That would keep the Devil dead-sexy and far more mysterious and dark. You always want to keep your hero ... dare I say it ... fuckable.

Cheers.
[Image: Evolution.png]

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#4
RE: Darkness at the arch (A story I wrote)
(November 1, 2013 at 12:49 am)Cinjin Wrote: Your opinion is valid, but as a matter of politeness, etiquette, and common decency, why don't you offer the man some explanation. Maybe some constructive criticism instead of a cold remark that offers nothing. You just came off as purposefully rude.

I agree, but I felt that if I went in to why I didn't like it, I would seem like more of a dick than If I just said I didn't like it. In the end I just decided not to post.
Reply
#5
RE: Darkness at the arch (A story I wrote)
(November 1, 2013 at 12:49 am)Cinjin Wrote:
(November 1, 2013 at 12:44 am)BrianSoddingBoru4 Wrote: Didn't care for it.

Boru

Your opinion is valid, but as a matter of politeness, etiquette, and common decency, why don't you offer the man some explanation. Maybe some constructive criticism instead of a cold remark that offers nothing. You just came off as purposefully rude.





IMO:
It's an interesting take on Lucifer, but I feel like you're trying to put way too much information into a few small paragraphs. I do think you're onto something with the garden pre-quel angle. That was fun. It makes me want to see less dialogue from the Devil and instead put that information into a back story. That would keep the Devil dead-sexy and far more mysterious and dark. You always want to keep your hero ... dare I say it ... fuckable.

Cheers.

I wasn't thinking of playing the mysterious angle, great idea!

(November 1, 2013 at 12:56 am)Sejanus Wrote:
(November 1, 2013 at 12:49 am)Cinjin Wrote: Your opinion is valid, but as a matter of politeness, etiquette, and common decency, why don't you offer the man some explanation. Maybe some constructive criticism instead of a cold remark that offers nothing. You just came off as purposefully rude.

I agree, but I felt that if I went in to why I didn't like it, I would seem like more of a dick than If I just said I didn't like it. In the end I just decided not to post.

I disagree, If was not ready for or looking for criticism I would not have posted.
To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.
Reply
#6
RE: Darkness at the arch (A story I wrote)
Quote:I disagree, If was not ready for or looking for criticism I would not have posted.

This is true. When I ask for feedback I actually want it. I don't want people to just say they like it to make me feel good. I want to know what they think so I can improve. I'm glad you think the same. I have not taken the time to read it, since I have to send some e-mails myself. I'll get back to it.
Pointing around: "Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, fuck you, I'm out!"
Half Baked

"Let the atheists come to me, and stop keeping them away, because the kingdom of heathens belongs to people like these." -Saint Bacon
Reply
#7
RE: Darkness at the arch (A story I wrote)
(November 1, 2013 at 1:33 am)Ivy Wrote:
Quote:I disagree, If was not ready for or looking for criticism I would not have posted.

This is true. When I ask for feedback I actually want it. I don't want people to just say they like it to make me feel good. I want to know what they think so I can improve. I'm glad you think the same. I have not taken the time to read it, since I have to send some e-mails myself. I'll get back to it.

Well if you really tell me you like I of course wont object
To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.
Reply
#8
RE: Darkness at the arch (A story I wrote)
(November 1, 2013 at 1:16 am)Lemonvariable72 Wrote:
(November 1, 2013 at 12:49 am)Cinjin Wrote: It's an interesting take on Lucifer, but I feel like you're trying to put way too much information into a few small paragraphs. I do think you're onto something with the garden pre-quel angle. That was fun. It makes me want to see less dialogue from the Devil and instead put that information into a back story. That would keep the Devil dead-sexy and far more mysterious and dark. You always want to keep your hero ... dare I say it ... fuckable.

I wasn't thinking of playing the mysterious angle, great idea!

Perhaps mysterious is the wrong word. It just seems that the devil should have a confident cool, and if he's explaining everything he's doing it seems to me he loses a lot of that. Just my humble opinion.
[Image: Evolution.png]

Reply
#9
RE: Darkness at the arch (A story I wrote)
I like it. Now the feedback...

I would consider using the word "handsome" less and change it here and there for something else, so it's not redundant.

I would also suggest more context. You could add to the history in order to make the characters appealing and create a sense of attachment to the storyline (engage the reader). When the reader feels attached, it's difficult to stop reading.

In my opinion, I like what Cinjin suggests about Satan's personality, but I also like the personality you gave him. I think it's compelling. I felt myself feeling guilty for hating him at one point. I think in this case it depends on what you want out of this story. It could take different roads and give it a different meaning. What do you want?

This is what I meant. Of course I like people to tell me they like it, but I like them to add the feedback to it. It helps. Smile

I'd love to read it again if you do end up polishing it. I think you got yourself a good scene! Clap

I am not good at expressing myself in English. When I talk I am translating from Spanish to English as I speak (in this case write). I hope I made sense.
Pointing around: "Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, fuck you, I'm out!"
Half Baked

"Let the atheists come to me, and stop keeping them away, because the kingdom of heathens belongs to people like these." -Saint Bacon
Reply
#10
RE: Darkness at the arch (A story I wrote)
(November 1, 2013 at 2:23 am)Ivy Wrote: I like it. Now the feedback...

I would consider using the word "handsome" less and change it here and there for something else, so it's not redundant.

I would also suggest more context. You could add to the history in order to make the characters appealing and create a sense of attachment to the storyline (engage the reader). When the reader feels attached, it's difficult to stop reading.

In my opinion, I like what Cinjin suggests about Satan's personality, but I also like the personality you gave him. I think it's compelling. I felt myself feeling guilty for hating him at one point. I think in this case it depends on what you want out of this story. It could take different roads and give it a different meaning. What do you want?

This is what I meant. Of course I like people to tell me they like it, but I like them to add the feedback to it. It helps. Smile

I'd love to read it again if you do end up polishing it. I think you got yourself a good scene! Clap

I am not good at expressing myself in English. When I talk I am translating from Spanish to English as I speak (in this case write). I hope I made sense.

Oh you made great sense ivy I love your feedback! I just hope this story falls in good context with he next stories i intend to write. Though maybe this one needs some love too.
To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.
Reply



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