Grief and religous family members

[DMM87]

I am new here, this is my first post. I am also not going to lie, this is for selfish reasons. It will make me feel better to discuss my situation amongst those who are like me, as opposed to my family members and friends.

My grandmother was admitted to the hospital last evening after suffering a fall. From some experience in pathology, I know that most of the times when an elderly person falls, there is more going on than just taking a spill.

My father called me to inform me of what was transpiring, but assured me that she was in good care. The doctors ran a few tests and found she has pneumonia, but suspect other issues; as she is in here 80s and has been smoking since she could damn near walk. Regardless, I called the hospital to leave a positive message with her, hoping that she would at least know I am wishing her well.

This afternoon my father called me to let me know her time is ending near, and that hospice or a nursing home would be the best option for her; he is opting for the latter. He let me know the doctors believe she only has a few weeks left. Then he asked me to pray for her. My old man knows that I am an atheist, I have been for some time now. It's not a fad, it wasn't an overnight "rebellious" moment in my teenage years.

Instead of arguing with him, as it is his mother, I did what most frustrated people do- take to the internet. I am saddened by the fact that my grandmother will die; it is unfortunate, but that is the way of life. I try to look back and cherish a moment that I could muster, but there aren't any. Her and I were never close. But what when she found out my wife and I are expecting in April, she was ecstatic, happier than I'd ever seen or heard her (it was all over the phone), and could not wait to be a great grandmother. Now I am crushed in knowing that chances are she will never see my son.

But then I go back to how pissed I am at my old man. If this is truly "god's plan," taking this woman's life, then why would I pray? What good would that do? Would I convince this all knowing, all being, whatever deity that she should live a little longer? Wouldn't that violate his master plan? So what the hell would praying do if there was a god? Nothing.

Now I am beginning to receive messages from my family and religious friends, how they are praying for my family. While I am honored they would give up a solid 30 seconds to mumble some nonsense into the sky, I think that time would be better spent doing other things... like wiping one more time for good measure. Really anything.

Beyond this rant, my underlying question to all of you is how do you deal with religious people during your time of grief?

Thank you for reading, and maybe laughing at one point or another.

[Jackalope]

Beyond this rant, my underlying question to all of you is how do you deal with religious people during your time of grief?

I'm sorry for your loss.

Here's the thing - praying is one way religious people deal with difficult times. While I would agree with you that it's not likely to alter the outcome of what is unfolding in your life, it does act as a tool for the faithful to deal with their grief (or not deal with it, whatever your viewpoint is).

As long as they're not pressuring me to conform to whatever rituals they feel are helpful, I say nothing at all. As far as your father asking you to pray, I wouldn't necessarily think anything of it. It may just be something that's said without putting any thought to it.

[rexbeccarox]

My family just says that stuff because they don't think about it first. If someone asks me to pray, I say something like "so and so will be in my thoughts". If someone says they're praying for me or a loved one, I just say thank you.

I'm really sorry about your gramma. At 37, I've lost all of my grandparents and a parent and I'm so thankful for the very few family members I have left. Hang in there, and welcome to AF.

[Chad32]

Don't worry too much about the praying thing, as long as he's not giving you crap about it.

I'm sorry this had to happen. Just sit with her and comfort her when you can.

[My imaginary friend is GOD]

Let people pray if it makes them feel better. You don't have to do it. You can instead actually get to work on your grief. I lost a great-grandmother and a grandfather last year. I actually saw my grandfather struggling in his final days. That can tear you up. Luckily, my immediate family is not religious. They haven't said stupid shit to me like, "So-and-so is with God now." I will say that when a person dies, they are finally at peace after a lifetime of struggle. That's a comforting thought, I guess. Be sure to act nice to your religious friends and family even when they say stupid shit, because it's just their stupid way of dealing with shit.

[Clueless Morgan]

I don't have a lot of experience in people telling me they'll pray for me or for a loved one I just lost but perhaps if you feel compelled to respond in some way you could say "Thank you for your thoughts." It acknowledges that they are offering you a condolence, even if you might not think of it as one, while not giving credence to the efficacy of prayer.

[Minimalist]

praying is one way religious people deal with difficult times.

Yes, a very ineffectual way.

Praying is a waste of your time but there's no point in reminding your dad of that at this time.

[atheistmama]

I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Having no one to talk to about things like this is so difficult. That's why I've joined today (and this is my first post too).

I am an atheist married to a Christian, who is part of an extended devout Lutheran family. I was very ill recently and had everyone in his family and church praying for me. It's extremely annoying to me but on the other hand, how can I fault them for caring? I usually just say thank you when they say they're praying for me. Honestly, I'd rather they not. Like you, I think that time could be much better spent and I am really irritated at the idea that god might save me if enough people pray, or that if I kick the bucket it was god's will. Which is it?

Still, I know they are sincere, and I want to acknowledge that. BUT - when it's coming at you from all sides and constantly, you just want to scream, eh?

For many people, having a deity and community to lean on during difficult times is a great comfort. In fact it's just about the only thing I envy about people of faith. I try to accept their sincere concern.

Having like-minded people to talk to and vent with is a great way to deal with this frustration.

[PracticalPackers113]

First I think you're fortunate have had her around, all 4 of my grandparents died by the time I was 20 years old. To respond to your question of how people deal with religious people in times of grief. I just don't pay much attention to it. I appreciate when people tell me they're praying for me as I just see them as a more earnest version of the "moderate" religious believers I usually come into contact and argue with. Though not many people do that since they assume I'm Hindu since I'm Indian-American and that is in fact the religion I was born into.

[Owlix]

One of the hardest things for me at work is when my customers 'god bless' me. I hate it. I.... inner turmoil usually surfaces for a time.

your pops knows you're atheist. So it's really up to you. Grin and bear it during his time of grief, or while he's mourning the upcoming loss of his ma, remind him prayer does nothing but make him feel better.

Personally my biggest issue it the ability to let others be themselves when they're utter idiots or completely mistaken, so in that scenario, I don't know what I'd do. But I fucking hate it when people 'pray for me' or whatnot.

A cousin I have friended on FB a week ago posted something about this craze where unwed mothers are leaving their babies in dumpsters. My comment to her post was something like "this is exactly why abortion should be illegal, these girls found no other way out, and ending one 'life' before it's begun ensures that two lives aren't destroyed by the decision of gestation.' After some commentation on both parts, she said "I'm not debating with you, you obviously just want to argue...... and I pray for you to see the truth of life".
I proceeded to say 'don't pray for me. It's a pointless waste of time, and as we have little enough on this earth as it is, I don't want you (or anyone) wasting those precious seconds of your life speaking to the sky when it does absolutely fuck all." She deigned not to respond. But it does seem like her bible verse posts have quadrupled since that little encounter. Ignorance is bliss, except when you know better.