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RE: Joke
February 8, 2014 at 3:44 pm
(This post was last modified: February 8, 2014 at 3:45 pm by BrianSoddingBoru4.)
God's gone missing from Heaven for seven days, and when he returns, he looks sort of tired and careworn. One of the archangels zooms up and asks what the trouble is.
God replies, 'Just made a new planet, and it didn't half wear me out.'
'But,' queries the angel, 'you've made planets before and you didn't seem to work so hard.'
'Ah,' answers God, 'but this particular planet has a theme I call "balance". Take a look. See? It has permanently cold spots, and other spots that are always hot. It's got dark-skinned people in the south and lighter-skinned people in the north. Land AND water, night AND day. Everything in balance.'
'Very nice indeed,' says the angel approvingly. 'But what this bright green bit, here?'
'Oh, I'm especially proud of that,' smiles God. 'I call it "Ireland". It will have the most remarkable people to be found anywhere. They will produce poetry and music that will be loved the world around. They will learn to never ignore a kindness or to forget an insult. They will bear hardship with fortitude, and celebrate good fortune with generosity. Altogether, a most amazing people.'
The angel thinks for a bit and answers, 'You'll forgive my pointing it out, but you seem to have given these "Irish" everything - what about your theme of "balance"?'
'Easy,' says God. 'Just wait til you see who I'm giving them for neighbours.'
Boru
(apos in advance if any of our English members are offended. Just a bit of fun.)
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
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RE: Joke
April 3, 2014 at 8:07 pm
A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam "Is this a union house?" "No" she replied "I'm sorry it isn't". "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" The house gets $80 and the girls get $20" she answered.
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionised shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules".
The man asked "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20". "That's more like it!" the union man said.
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde. "I'd like her" he said.
"I'm sure you would, sir" said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next!"
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RE: Joke
April 10, 2014 at 10:01 pm
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.
The Pope said "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. The rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins, and the rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue".
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won. "I haven't a clue" said the rabbi. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here".
"And then what?" asked a woman. "Who knows?" said the rabbi. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine".
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RE: Joke
April 10, 2014 at 11:01 pm
(February 8, 2014 at 3:44 pm)BrianSoddingBoru4 Wrote: God's gone missing from Heaven for seven days, and when he returns, he looks sort of tired and careworn. One of the archangels zooms up and asks what the trouble is.
God replies, 'Just made a new planet, and it didn't half wear me out.'
'But,' queries the angel, 'you've made planets before and you didn't seem to work so hard.'
'Ah,' answers God, 'but this particular planet has a theme I call "balance". Take a look. See? It has permanently cold spots, and other spots that are always hot. It's got dark-skinned people in the south and lighter-skinned people in the north. Land AND water, night AND day. Everything in balance.'
'Very nice indeed,' says the angel approvingly. 'But what this bright green bit, here?'
'Oh, I'm especially proud of that,' smiles God. 'I call it "Ireland". It will have the most remarkable people to be found anywhere. They will produce poetry and music that will be loved the world around. They will learn to never ignore a kindness or to forget an insult. They will bear hardship with fortitude, and celebrate good fortune with generosity. Altogether, a most amazing people.'
The angel thinks for a bit and answers, 'You'll forgive my pointing it out, but you seem to have given these "Irish" everything - what about your theme of "balance"?'
'Easy,' says God. 'Just wait til you see who I'm giving them for neighbours.'
Boru
(apos in advance if any of our English members are offended. Just a bit of fun.)
I've heard that one here in NZ with the Aussies as the bastard neighbours.
Playing Cluedo with my mum while I was at Uni:
"You did WHAT? With WHO? WHERE???"
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RE: Joke
April 24, 2014 at 4:30 pm
An old guy comes strolling down the hallway of the retirement home looking all sad when the nurse saw him and ask why he was so down.
He replied "My penis died last night"
Not wanting to have that conversation she said that she was sorry to hear that and made a quick escape.
The next morning she runs into him again but this time he has his penis hanging out of his shorts.
She stopped him and said "I thought you told me that your penis had died yesterday."
He replied "It did, today is the viewing"!
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RE: Joke
April 24, 2014 at 6:03 pm
A husband and wife are shopping at the mall when they decide to split up and shop in different stores. A few hours later the wife calls the husband and asks where he is. The husband says, "You know that jewelry store with the really nice window display? You know.... one of the windows has the necklace you really like? The 18 inch necklace with pearls, rubies and a full carat diamond? You know which store I'm talking about?"
"Yes! Yes!", the wife says breathlessly. "I know exactly which store you're talking about!"
The husband replies, "Good. I'm in the bar next door."
Science flies us to the moon and stars. Religion flies us into buildings.
God allowed 200,000 people to die in an earthquake. So what makes you think he cares about YOUR problems?
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RE: Joke
April 24, 2014 at 7:11 pm
A man brings his missus two aspirin and a glass of water. Puzzled, she tells him, 'But I don't have a headache' and the husband says, 'GOTCHA!!!'
Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
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RE: Joke
April 24, 2014 at 7:41 pm
A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. 'Do you want a bag?', the cashier asks 'No', the guy says, 'she's not that ugly'
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RE: Joke
April 24, 2014 at 7:49 pm
An Irishman walks out of a bar.
At the age of five, Skagra decided emphatically that God did not exist. This revelation tends to make most people in the universe who have it react in one of two ways - with relief or with despair. Only Skagra responded to it by thinking, 'Wait a second. That means there's a situation vacant.'
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RE: Joke
April 24, 2014 at 7:53 pm
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost
had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got
undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not
to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and
put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to
the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.
You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according
to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
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