Joke

[The Valkyrie]

Pierre is walking through the quiet country lanes outside his home one fine morning when he looks into a field and sees a young couple having sex not very far away.

"Ah, young love!" he says to himself and starts to walk on when he notices something wrong. The girl is very pale and not moving at all.

"Sacre bleu! That is Henry and he is having sex with a corpse!"

Angrily Pierre runs along the lane until he reaches town where he finds the local gendarme. "You must come quickly. I have seen Henry outside of town having sex with a corpse!"

The gendarme is shocked. "Henry has done many things we have forgiven him for, but this time he has gone too far!"

Pierre and the gendarme start heading out of town, but their conversation has been heard and some of the townspeople are following them, the story spreading quickly.

On the edge of town they encounter the mayor.

"What is this," he asks, looking at the growing angry crowd.

"Pierre has seen Henry out in the fields having sex with a corpse!" replies the gendarme?

"What? This time Henry has gone too far. We will lock him up and throw away the key!"

And with that the mayor leads the crowd to where Pierre first saw Henry.

Sure enough, Henry is still pounding away at the pale, unmoving girl.

The mayor and the gendarme jump the low fence and run to Henry. The crowds sees much angry arm waving and shouting, but eventually the gendarme and the mayor return, laughing.

"Are you not going to arrest him?" Pierre asks indignantly.

"No," replies the mayor. "The girl is not dead. She is English!"

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

A 93 years-old man is discussing his new marriage with a friend.

'It couldn't be better,' the old man wheezes. 'She cooks for me, cleans for me, runs all the errands, takes care of the dog...just everything. On top of it all, she's 19, so the sex is fantastic.'

'Whoa, whoa, wait,' says the friend. 'You're 93 - don't you think it's a bit risky, sex with a 19 years-old girl?'

The old man thinks for a bit, shrugs and says, 'Meh. If she dies, she dies.'

Boru

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

A western American buys himself a brand new, VERY expensive pair of boots - exotic leathers, hand-tooled, elaborate stitching, highly decorated...the works.

He's so proud of these boots that, when he comes home, he tucks his britches into the boot tops and asks his wife, 'So, do you notice anything different about me?' She looks him carefully up and down and says, 'No, nothing new', and goes back to preparing supper.

Determined that his new footwear be noticed, the cowboy goes into the bedroom, removes everything except his boots and his hat, and returns to the kitchen.

'NOW do you notice anything different?', he demands.

Again, the lady of the house takes a good long look and says, 'Nope. It's hanging down. It was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down tomorrow.'

'And why do you suppose it's hanging down?'

'No idea.'

'Because it's looking at my new boots, goddam it!!'

'Oh,' says the wife. 'Pity you didn't buy a new hat.'

Boru

[Thor]

Saint Peter has been at the Pearly Gates for a long time and he is in desperate need of a break. Jesus agrees to stand watch while St. Peter gets a chance to relax. Jesus takes up the post and sees an old man heading toward him. Jesus asks the old man if he needs any help.

"Yes," replies the old man. "I'm trying to find my son and I'm hoping you can help me find him."

Jesus asks the old man to describe his son.

"Oh, he's a really good boy!" replies the old man. "Most everybody loves him! He did get into trouble and he was unjustly punished. But afterwards he was brought back to life and now he's an inspiration to people! I'm sure you'd remember if you saw him because he has nails in his hands and feet."

Jesus is flabbergasted. He can barely hold in his emotions as he stammers, "Father?"

The old man's eyes brighten as he exclaims, "Pinocchio?"

[KUSA]

THE BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER.

Connie,
I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our
"cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore.
The day you left,
I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded
little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one
to make contact.
In my fantasies, it was always you who would come
crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that.
But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things.
I'm tired of pretending I don't
miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who
makes the first move as long as one of us does.
Maybe it's time we
let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says:
"There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts
of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me.
I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my
desperation.
She was young, maybe 19; with one of those perfect bodies
that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice-skating can give you.
I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass
that just wouldn't quit, every man's dream, right?
But as I sat on the
couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've
made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a
perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case,
yes, but you see what I'm getting at.
Does it make her a better person?
Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie?
I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before.
I don't know,
maybe I'm just growing up a little.

Later, after I'd tossed her about a
half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel
so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her
slutty, shameless hunger, but something else;
some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean?

Nothing feels the same without you. Oh, Connie, I'm just going crazy
without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.
Do you remember
Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well,
she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured
I wasn't eating right without a woman around.
I didn't know what she meant
till later, but that's not the real story.
Anyway, we had a few glasses
of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom.
And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything,
you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight
or her career and whether the kids can hear us.
And all of a sudden,
she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity.
So she puts
it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And
it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking,
"Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old
vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order.
I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her
shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time.
She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general.

She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is.

So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times.
Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is
think of how much she looked like you when you were 18.
And that just
about makes me cry.
And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole
anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you
about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between
us.
But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's
cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?

It's true, Connie. In your heart
you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all
the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the
same please, please, please let me know. Otherwise, can you let me
know where the fucking remote is?
Love,
Dan

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Q: How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

A: A brazillion.

Boru

[Minimalist]

[rexbeccarox]

A western American

Is that the PC term for cowboy?

[Marsellus Wallace]

[The only joke I know]

why was the battery arrested ?
cuz, it was charged with electricity .

[/The only joke I know]

[Ravenshire]

So, the pope was puttering around the office one day when he heard God's voice.

God: Francis. What are you idiots doing?

Francis: What do you mean lord?

God: All this bit with no sex.

Francis: Well, we try to make sure our nuns and priests don't have any.

God: But why? I gave you all perfectly good reproductive organs, didn't I?

Francis: Yes Lord, and thank you for that. But isn't that what we're supposed to do?

God: Why would I give you a dick and not want you to use it?

Francis: But Lord, the Bible teaches us to be celibate.

God: For fuck's sake! I said celebrate. Can't you people get anything right?!?