"You big bullies will be sorry," swore little Yahweh as he blinked away suppressed tears while he swung by his stretched underwear from the school flagpole.
It was just another difficult day for the poor godling at Divine Elementary School.
"Ooooh, we're so scared," Mocked Ra.
His companions, Zeus, Ishtar, Marduk and Odin laughed as they admired their handiwork. The bigger gods who had all the cool names and more accomplished civilizations had long picked on little Yahweh, taking turns enslaving his people and stealing his Ambrosia money.
"I mean it," Yahweh cried as he shook his fist, trying to look fierce even has he was suspended helplessly above them, "one day my followers will take over your empires. We will hunt your people down, tear down your temples and persecute your followers. The streets will run red with their blood! Your followers will have to go into hiding, ferreted out by inquisitions and pogroms."
Raucous laughter was the only response for a moment.
"So tell me, little Yahweh," taunted Zeus, a god so rich he had a second cool name, known to the Romans as Jupiter, "how's anyone going to do all that in your name when your name sounds so goofy."
The thunderbolt god underscored his point with a nasal-sounding mockery of the Hebrew volcano-god's name, "Ya-way, ya-way, everyone be scared of ya-way."
"No way," retorted Marduk, prompting another round of laughter.
"I won't need a name!" vowed Yahweh, "because everyone will just know me as GOD! I'll be the only one! There will be no other left alive! By Me, I swear it!"
A pin could have been heard hitting the gold-paved streets as all the taunting gods suddenly fell silent beneath the Hebrew volcano god's dread glare. His threat seemed crazy at the time and yet every one of them was gripped in a sudden, awful premonition.
--------
"I told you, Torquemada, find them all," growled a grown up Yahweh into his executive phone as he sat behind an ornate desk that featured a plaque that read "God of Everything".
"Kill them all, but not before torturing them for so long they beg me to forgive them," the tycoon god ordered, adding before he slammed the phone on the receiver, "make sure their execution is slow, painful and burning."
"Sir," Michael trepidly addressed his boss, "Calvin's on the line, wanting to know what to do with the intellectuals who question Your authority or scriptures."
"The same things the Catholics are doing, you idiot," stormed the all powerful divine CEO, irritated by what he regarded as a stupid question, "my Me, do I have to do all the thinking around here?"
"Of course, I'm sorry sir." Michael quickly replied as he made a fast exit from Yahweh's office.
Yahweh gathered his papers that gave the orders for the forced conversion and massacre of native tribes of the Americas.
"Um, sir," peeped gentle Gabriel, "I just have a question; something I'm curious about."
Yahweh glared at his subordinate but said nothing, a sign understood to invite the angel to take the floor but to tread lightly.
"You are now the dominant god of all the earth," Gabriel began, "most of the largest of the world's religions, Catholicism, Judaism, Islam, Protestantism, Orthodox Christianity, are all subsidiaries of your theological empire. So why do you have them fighting each other?"
"The pathetic pagan gods fell to easily," fumed the divine CEO, "I have to have some reminder of my power. The cries of those who suffer in My name are needed to remind the worms on earth that I am Lord."
With that, Yahweh left for the executive board meeting, to discuss future plans with Himself, Jesus, and Himself, The Holy Spirit.
"Why is he so angry?" Uriel asked a shaken Gabriel.
"It's a sad story of abuse he endured as a child," Gabriel responded, "it seems no amount of power or praise is enough to heal those old wounds."
"So he's a big powerful guy plagued with insecurity and feelings of inadequacy that manifest in him lashing out all the time and no amount of power or praise will be sufficient because what he really needs is a hug?" speculated Uriel in a query.
"You first" quipped Gabriel to the nods of all the other angels.
It was just another difficult day for the poor godling at Divine Elementary School.
"Ooooh, we're so scared," Mocked Ra.
His companions, Zeus, Ishtar, Marduk and Odin laughed as they admired their handiwork. The bigger gods who had all the cool names and more accomplished civilizations had long picked on little Yahweh, taking turns enslaving his people and stealing his Ambrosia money.
"I mean it," Yahweh cried as he shook his fist, trying to look fierce even has he was suspended helplessly above them, "one day my followers will take over your empires. We will hunt your people down, tear down your temples and persecute your followers. The streets will run red with their blood! Your followers will have to go into hiding, ferreted out by inquisitions and pogroms."
Raucous laughter was the only response for a moment.
"So tell me, little Yahweh," taunted Zeus, a god so rich he had a second cool name, known to the Romans as Jupiter, "how's anyone going to do all that in your name when your name sounds so goofy."
The thunderbolt god underscored his point with a nasal-sounding mockery of the Hebrew volcano-god's name, "Ya-way, ya-way, everyone be scared of ya-way."
"No way," retorted Marduk, prompting another round of laughter.
"I won't need a name!" vowed Yahweh, "because everyone will just know me as GOD! I'll be the only one! There will be no other left alive! By Me, I swear it!"
A pin could have been heard hitting the gold-paved streets as all the taunting gods suddenly fell silent beneath the Hebrew volcano god's dread glare. His threat seemed crazy at the time and yet every one of them was gripped in a sudden, awful premonition.
--------
"I told you, Torquemada, find them all," growled a grown up Yahweh into his executive phone as he sat behind an ornate desk that featured a plaque that read "God of Everything".
"Kill them all, but not before torturing them for so long they beg me to forgive them," the tycoon god ordered, adding before he slammed the phone on the receiver, "make sure their execution is slow, painful and burning."
"Sir," Michael trepidly addressed his boss, "Calvin's on the line, wanting to know what to do with the intellectuals who question Your authority or scriptures."
"The same things the Catholics are doing, you idiot," stormed the all powerful divine CEO, irritated by what he regarded as a stupid question, "my Me, do I have to do all the thinking around here?"
"Of course, I'm sorry sir." Michael quickly replied as he made a fast exit from Yahweh's office.
Yahweh gathered his papers that gave the orders for the forced conversion and massacre of native tribes of the Americas.
"Um, sir," peeped gentle Gabriel, "I just have a question; something I'm curious about."
Yahweh glared at his subordinate but said nothing, a sign understood to invite the angel to take the floor but to tread lightly.
"You are now the dominant god of all the earth," Gabriel began, "most of the largest of the world's religions, Catholicism, Judaism, Islam, Protestantism, Orthodox Christianity, are all subsidiaries of your theological empire. So why do you have them fighting each other?"
"The pathetic pagan gods fell to easily," fumed the divine CEO, "I have to have some reminder of my power. The cries of those who suffer in My name are needed to remind the worms on earth that I am Lord."
With that, Yahweh left for the executive board meeting, to discuss future plans with Himself, Jesus, and Himself, The Holy Spirit.
"Why is he so angry?" Uriel asked a shaken Gabriel.
"It's a sad story of abuse he endured as a child," Gabriel responded, "it seems no amount of power or praise is enough to heal those old wounds."
"So he's a big powerful guy plagued with insecurity and feelings of inadequacy that manifest in him lashing out all the time and no amount of power or praise will be sufficient because what he really needs is a hug?" speculated Uriel in a query.
"You first" quipped Gabriel to the nods of all the other angels.
Atheist Forums Hall of Shame:
"The trinity can be equated to having your cake and eating it too."
... -Lucent, trying to defend the Trinity concept
"(Yahweh's) actions are good because (Yahweh) is the ultimate standard of goodness. That’s not begging the question"
... -Statler Waldorf, Christian apologist
"The trinity can be equated to having your cake and eating it too."
... -Lucent, trying to defend the Trinity concept
"(Yahweh's) actions are good because (Yahweh) is the ultimate standard of goodness. That’s not begging the question"
... -Statler Waldorf, Christian apologist
