Early Christian motives (a conversation with Paul)

[Mudhammam]

1 Corinthians 9:1-23 (with my response... *puts on Corinthian hat*)

"Am I not free? Am I not an apostle? Have I not seen Jesus our Lord? Are you not the result of my work in the Lord? Even though I may not be an apostle to others, surely I am to you! For you are the seal of my apostleship in the Lord. This is my defense to those who sit in judgment on me."

Why would anyone sit in judgment of you, Paul? Is it because you barbarously oversaw the slaying of our fellow countrymen and had them thrown in jail, and then claimed a vision for yourself so that you could stand upon the pedestal of "apostleship" and affect your influence into our local affairs?

"Don’t we have the right to food and drink? Don’t we have the right to take a believing wife along with us, as do the other apostles and the Lord’s brothers and Cephas[a]? Or is it only I and Barnabas who lack the right to not work for a living?"

Whoa, whoa! "Lack the right to not work for a living?" Sure, take a wife along with you, eat our food and have a drink, but for Jupiter's sake, don't be like those other apostles and live completely off the toil of our community!

"Who serves as a soldier at his own expense? Who plants a vineyard and does not eat its grapes? Who tends a flock and does not drink the milk?"

Great, just great, you're going to convince everyone here to continue donating their money and food to you crooks when all you do is write your letters and go from city to city collecting what's not rightfully yours. Not that I'd care except that my wife, as all the women in our circle, totally thinks you're the best thing since the Temple of Artemis!

"Do I say this merely on human authority? Doesn’t the Law say the same thing? For it is written in the Law of Moses: “Do not muzzle an ox while it is treading out the grain.”[b] Is it about oxen that God is concerned? Surely he says this for us, doesn’t he? Yes, this was written for us, because whoever plows and threshes should be able to do so in the hope of sharing in the harvest."

Oh please, we all know that you're completely taking that out of context!

"If we have sown spiritual seed among you, is it too much if we reap a material harvest from you? If others have this right of support from you, shouldn’t we have it all the more?"

"Spiritual seed? Material harvest?" Is that what you call it? What's next? Are you going to start charging for baptism and demanding that we pay a fee to liberate loved ones from an infernal punishment?

"But we did not use this right."

That's not what I've been hearing on my travels abroad.

"On the contrary, we put up with anything rather than hinder the gospel of Christ. Don’t you know that those who serve in the temple get their food from the temple, and that those who serve at the altar share in what is offered on the altar? In the same way, the Lord has commanded that those who preach the gospel should receive their living from the gospel."

Well goodness, isn't that awfully convenient for you and your band of crooks? What would your holy leader Jesus have thought of this?

"But I have not used any of these rights. And I am not writing this in the hope that you will do such things for me, for I would rather die than allow anyone to deprive me of this boast. For when I preach the gospel, I cannot boast, since I am compelled to preach. Woe to me if I do not preach the gospel! If I preach voluntarily, I have a reward; if not voluntarily, I am simply discharging the trust committed to me. What then is my reward? Just this: that in preaching the gospel I may offer it free of charge, and so not make full use of my rights as a preacher of the gospel."

You know what, maybe I acted too rashly. I apologize. You do seem sincere and nobody here has accused you of reaping "material harvest," unlike those other "apostles" whose actions you find regrettably justified. But in Corinth, I admit, I have not witnessed you use this "right." And honestly, I can't see why you'd lie.

"Though I am free and belong to no one, I have made myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God’s law but am under Christ’s law), so as to win those not having the law. To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some."

Ohhhh I see! NOW the truth comes out. So to those you could swindle, you swindled, using the Scriptures as justification! And to those of us here who were skeptical, sitting in "judgment" as you call it, you became an innocent, humble preacher--nothing more! Well, I'm not falling for it! Go fuck yourself, Paul!

*takes off Corinthian hat*