joke time

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

My next door neighbour is so inconsiderate, he was banging on my door at 2.30am, it's a good job I was up playing my bagpipes.

I just know Boru is going to have something to say about this. I feel it.

You feel correctly.

1. Even playing bagpipes at 2:30 in the morning does not merit the death penalty. Bastinado is usually sufficient.

2. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion? No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

3. Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the bagpipe recital.

4. A gentleman may be defined as someone who can play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

5. You know what you never, EVER hear people say? 'Oh, that Porsche? It belongs to the bagpiper.'

I've got more, but talking about bagpipes makes me queasy.

Boru

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

I've been getting into astronomy so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious.

I went into this restaurant that serves you breakfast at any time, so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I was driving along a road and saw a gas station with two signs on top of one another. "Help Wanted", "Self Service". So I hired myself. Made myself the boss. Took all the money and left.

Watch a lot of Seven Wright, do you?

Boru

[ApeNotKillApe]

I've been getting into astronomy so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious.

I went into this restaurant that serves you breakfast at any time, so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I was driving along a road and saw a gas station with two signs on top of one another. "Help Wanted", "Self Service". So I hired myself. Made myself the boss. Took all the money and left.

Watch a lot of Seven Wright, do you?

Boru

Just recently, yes.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Good man yourself.

Boru

[Jackalope]

You know what's worse than bagpipes? Two bagpipes.

[ignoramus]

Speaking of which today Sunday the whole extended family is going to see the Edinburgh military tattoo!
Tickets are very expensive.

The wife and I didn't want to go...
(I figured I will be punished enough just staying home with her for free!)

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

'Then someone raised the question, twixt the coffee and the cakes,
"Does the piper walk to get awa frae all the noise he makes?" ' - Robert Service

Boru

[ApeNotKillApe]

Why was the Amish girl excommunicated?

Too Mennonite.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Why was the Amish girl excommunicated?

Too Mennonite.

Heh.

[FebruaryOfReason]

How many Christians does it take to change a lightbulb?
(WIP.  Best answer gets big kudos and a sloppy kiss from Losty!)

Answer #1. It takes three Christians. Which is the same as one Christian. But it's really just two, and one that isn't there except for when the other two aren't, even though one of the other two is there all the time and the other is coming back any day now. They are all manifestations of the bulbhead.
Answer #2. It takes two Christians of every type. Even though the room is nowhere near big enough to hold two Christians of every type, and in the next verse it says "seven Christians of every type".
Answer #3. It takes two billion Christians. One to change the bulb, and 1,999,999,999 to start a schism over a spelling mistake in the bulb-changing instructions that will cost the lives of millions and check the progress of humanity for a thousand years.
Answer #4. The bulb will come back to life eventually, but only when we are worthy.
Answer #5. It takes two billion Christians. One to change the bulb and 1,999,999,999 to fail to recognise that the bulb wouldn't exist without a bunch of discoveries that directly contradict everything they believe in.
Answer #6. The bulb will return to life on the third day, in circumstances that are in no way similar to that of a recovery from a coma following traumatic injury.
Answer #7. Send a huge amount of money to the Church of CASH and sign away all your possessions to us, and the bulb will change!

Do I get a virtual snog yet?