joke time

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Just read that the chimps who've been taught to make fires are now hurling lit feces at their handlers.

Three lab attendants were sent to hospital with turd degree burns.

Boru

[ShaMan]

Just read that the chimps who've been taught to make fires are now hurling lit feces at their handlers.

Three lab attendants were sent to hospital with turd degree burns.

Boru

That's a primitive joke that reeks of flying, flaming shit.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Just read that the chimps who've been taught to make fires are now hurling lit feces at their handlers.

Three lab attendants were sent to hospital with turd degree burns.

Boru

That's a primitive joke that reeks of flying, flaming shit.

You're welcome.

Boru

edit: And where the FUCK is my kudos for it????

[The Valkyrie]

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench feeding the pigeons when a man in a long coat walks up and stands in front of them.

Without warning he opens his coat and flashes them, shaking himself at them.

Tragically, one had a stroke, though the other couldn't reach.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

The same two old dears are sitting on the bench when a 94 years old man streaks past, full nuddy.

Emma looks at her friend and says, 'What on earth was THAT?' Dolores has a good long think and says, 'I'm not sure, but it could do with a good ironing.'

Boru

[The Valkyrie]

For year, two nuns have made a daily ride on their bikes from the convent on the hill to the nearby town and back. Always at the same time, down the same road.

One day, they're on their way to town when they see the road is closed and a detour sign points down an old, cobbled road.

Needless to say, they have a jarring, uncomfortable ride down the old road and when they eventually arrived in town they're thoroughly dishevelled.

"Well," says Sister Emilia, "I've never come that way before!"

"No," agrees sister Angelica, "Must be the cobblestones!"

[Little lunch]

This bloke comes in to work with a big grin on his face and his work mate asks him if he got lucky the night before.
'I sure did', he said. 'I was walking down along the railway and I found a woman tied to the tracks. I untied her, took her in the forest and got to do everything I ever dreamed of.'
'Wow', said his mate, 'did she give you a gobby'.
'Nah, I never found the head unfortunately'.

[Zack]

A set of jumper cables walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "I'll serve you as long as you don't start anything."

[The Valkyrie]

A you man has just arrived for his introduction to his new job in a coal mine and is being shown around by the boss.

When they pass the showers in the afternoon he notices that all the men are covered from head to toe in coal-dust - completely black.

"Does that happen every day?" he asks

"Yes" replies the boss. they don't bother showering for lunch since they're just going to get covered again anyway.

Then he notices that one man, like his colleagues, is also covered in coaldust except for his willy, which appears to be completely clean.

"What about him?" he asks.

"Oh, he goes home for lunch."

[Little lunch]

An Irishman, an Englishman and an American walk into a bar, which is empty except for the biggest, meanest, 20 stone and ugliest mother fucker anyone's ever seen.
The barman immediately comes up to the three and says,'listen, don't look straight away, there's a guy at the other end of the bar with no ears.
He's very self conscious and I fear for your safety if he catches you looking at him, ok?'
Sure enough ,half an hour later, all three of the men glance over and he catches them all looking at the same time.
The big man grabs the American and pushes his head on bar. 'What the fuck were you looking at?'
'I was looking at your hair'
'Why?!'
'I couldn't help but admire how beautiful it is because I am bald'.
So he let's him go and grabs the Englishman and says, 'what about you little man, what were you looking at?'
'I was looking at your lovely teeth. I wish I had teeth like yours.'
'Why?!'
'Because mine rotted out years ago and now I wear falsies.
So he let's the Englishman go and grabs the Irishman.
'What were you looking at?'
'I was looking at those eyes of yours. Beautiful eyes, the best I've ever seen. You better look after those eyes.'
'Why?!'
'Cause if you don't you'll have to wear glasses like me and you got no ears to hang them on.'

---

While at the petrol station the other day, I over filled my tank and got splash back on my sleeve. Not thinking, I lit up a durry and my sleeve caught on fire.
I was waving it around outside the window when the boys in blue pulled me over.
Ended up getting done for a fucking illegal firearm.