joke time

[Rhondazvous]

Could this be you?

Man: (sees woman and thinks to himself) I'm no cad. I'm not going to insult this woman's intelligence by treating her like a sex object.
Woman: (sees the man and thinks to herself) why isn't he attracted to me? Is my nose too big? Do I have lipstick on my teeth? Is he gay?

[Darinda]

This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, Is that Corona or Heineken??
I said, There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out

When you are over fifty who gives a shit

*****

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, If you lost a few kgs, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right

I said, If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you

When you are over fifty who gives a shit?

*****
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, Nice legs

The girl giggled and said with a smile, Do you really think so

I said Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now

When you are over fifty who gives a shit !!

*****
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, Go on then...try

After about thirty minutes of fondling she began to lose patience and said, Come on, what day was I born ??

I said, On your birthday

When you are over fifty who gives a shit?

****
I asked a Prostitute: How Much For A Hand Job ??

Lady: 2500 Do You Want One

I : No…No, it just makes me happy To Know How Much I Save When I Do It My Self

When you are over fifty who gives a shit

[Minimalist]

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning. One woman lost it completely.  
 
She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed,'I'm too young to die,' she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a real WOMAN?'
 
For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then the cowboy from Texas stood up in the rear of the plane.  He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.  Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.
 
She gasped...
 
Then, he spoke...
 
'Iron this and then get me a beer.'

[Darinda]

Boudreaux and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip.


Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Boudreaux headed home frustrated and depressed.

Fridat afternoon when Boudreaux's buddies arrived at the camp on Bayou deCade, they were shocked to see Boudreaux. He was already sitting on the dock with a cold beer, feet propped up on his ice chest, fishing rod in hand, and a fire glowing on the BBQ pit. "How did you talk your missus into letting you go Boudreaux?"

"I didn't have to," Boudreaux replied. "Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me, covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'."

"When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, ' Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want'..... So, Here I am!"

---

Boudreaux's Chapped Lips

It's a cold day during duck hunting season and Boudreaux and Thibodeaux
are sitting in their flatboat with the trusted dog, Boudin, awaiting the arrival of ducks.
Thibodaux turns around and notices Boudreaux reaching out his hand,
sticking his index finger into Boudin's ass, pulling it out,
and then calmly rubbing the finger across his lips.
Surprised and shocked, Thibodaux turned around, couldn't speak, and only could think to himself,
"What is he doin'?"
An hour went by and again Thibodaux notices Boudreaux reaching his index finger into Boudin's ass,
pulling it out and rubbing it across his lips.
This time Thibodaux could not contain himself.
"Boudreaux," he says, "how come you done stick your finger in dat dog's ass,
pull it out and rub it across your lips like dat?"
"Well", Boudreaux responds, "you know I done got me these
really bad chapped lips, and dat's the only thing that helps."

"It helps, you mean it makes them better," asks Thibodeaux?

"Well no," answered Boudreaux, "but it keeps me from licking 'em."

---

[Fireball]

I know fuck all about sports, but...

[Minimalist]

A woman goes to a doctor and says "I think I have an infection on my back."

"Well, take off your shirt and turn around and let's see what's happening," the doctor replies.

She does so and he hems and haws for a moment before saying:  "You have some terrible scratches on your back.  How did you get them?"

She says sheepishly, "I think it is from having sex doggy-style."

The doc says "I can give you an antibiotic for the infection but I think you should try another position for a while."

She says:  "I can't.  It's the only position the doggy knows."

[Darinda]

BEER & COLONOSCOPY

    It was my first time visiting Dr. Putz for a colonoscopy.  I went into
 his office for my first rectal exam.  His new blond nurse, Evelyn, took 
me to an examining room.  She told me to get undressed and have a 
seat until the doctor could see me.  She said that he would be only a 
 few minutes.

 After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down.  While waiting, I
 observed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table: 
 a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer. 
 
 When Dr. Putz finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. 
 This is my first exam.  I know what the K-Y is for.  And, I know what 
 the glove is for.  But can you tell me what the BEER is for?" 
 
At that, Doctor Putz became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the
 door.  He flung the door open and yelled to his new blonde nurse, "Damn it,
 Evelyn!!!  I said  ~ A BUTT LIGHT!"

[Brian37]

So this guy has pain in his wrist, goes to the doctor in NYC, doctor looks at it, she tells the guy "You have carpel tunnel", they guy says, "No, I took the Lincoln tunnel".

[Darinda]

A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded library.

He asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?

The girl replied in a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU!
What makes you think I'm that kind of girl?"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly
embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and
said with a laugh: "I'm studying psychology, and I am working on my Masters'
degree.  I guess you felt embarrassed, right?  As part of my degree program,
I'm studying unexpected reactions and how people respond to them."

The guy then responded in a loud voice:  "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT?  THAT'S
ROBBERY!  YOU'RE NOT WORTH THAT MUCH!!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy then whispered in her ear:  "I have a law degree: I know how to screw
people."

[Fireball]

There are two types of people in the world-

1. Those who can extrapolate