joke time

[Darinda]

A Saudi couple, Ahmed and Layla, preparing for their wedding, meet with their Mullah for counseling.

The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

Ahmed asks, 'We realize it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women.
But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together.'

'Absolutely not,' says the Mullah. 'It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately.'

'So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?'

'No,' answered the Mullah, 'It's forbidden in Islam.'

'Well, okay,' says Ahmed, 'What about sex? Can we finally have sex?'

'Of course!' replies the Mullah, 'Allah Akbar! (GOD is great) Sex is OK within marriage, to have chi ldren!'

'What about different positions?' asks the man.

'Allah Akbar! Mafi Mushkila (no problem),' says the Mullah.

'Woman on top?' Ahmed asks.

'Sure,' says the Mullah. 'Allah Akbar. Go for it!'

'Doggy style?'

'Sure! Allah Akbar!'

'On the kitchen table?'

'Yes, yes! Allah Akbar!'

'Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators,

leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?'

'You may indeed.. Allah Akbar!'

'Can we do it standing up?'

'No, absolutely not!' says the Mullah.'

'Why not?' asks the man.

'Because that could lead to dancing!

---

Oh, Lord!
 
Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making
dinner.  Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. 'Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.'
Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten
into trouble at school and at home.. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.  Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday.  Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.
 
      ________________________________
 
LETTER 1:
  
Dear God:

I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike
for my birthday. I want a red one. 
                                             Your friend, 
                                              Carol
 
Carol knew this wasn't true.  She had not been a very good girl
this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.
      ________________________________
 
 
LETTER 2:
Dear God:
 
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this
year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
 
                                                   Thank you, 
                                                    Carol
 
Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and
started again.
     ________________________________
 
LETTER 3:
Dear God:
I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry.
I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my 
birthday.
 
                                                                Thank you, 
                                                                Carol

Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to
get her a bike. By now, she was very upset.  She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.
 
'Just be home in time for dinner,' her mother said.
 
Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God..
      ________________________________
 
 
LETTER 4: 
 
Dear  God,
 
I GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
 
 
                                                        Signed, 
                                                        YOU KNOW WHO

[Darinda]

BRITISH HUMOR

The train was quite crowded and a U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle aged French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am may I have that seat"?

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat".

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

Please Ma'am, may I sit down, I'm very tired?.

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude you are also arrogant".

This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.

The woman shrieked "Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing."

You hold your fork in the wrong hand.

You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road."

"And now Sir you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window".

[Edwardo Piet]

Hammy, when he said that could have been him, he means he could have been the one driving the truck and had the fun of killing all those una-murrican people. Get it?

No I still don't get it.

---

I must admit that wasn't remotely funny and doesn't even qualify as a joke.

Either that or I just don't get it.

Was the "joke" that the guy at the end was relieved because it could have been him that died but instead it was a bunch of other people?

Where's the joke?

I'll stick to watching South Park. At least when they take the piss out of Islam it's funny.

The other joke about the Lawyer in the library was hilarious though. Lol.

---

Nope. Still wouldn't have been funny.

"People died and he was relieved it wasn't him!" isn't a joke, lol.

Even my shitty self-made acting like a retard and talking about mayo-making over and over is funnier than that. And I'm not funny. I'm obnoxious and annoying.

Here's funny:

Bolding mine.That is Brian's statement.

Sorry I never meant to misquote you. I fucked up the quoting function. Thanks for pointing that out.

[Fireball]

Bolding mine.That is Brian's statement.

Sorry I never meant to misquote you. I fucked up the quoting function. Thanks for pointing that out.

No worries! I just didn't want that attributed to me.   And I hose quotes all the time. Sometimes I just close the window and let all the crap fall in the bit bucket and try again.

[Brian37]

So this portable toilet company CEO decided to book a vacation to Vegas, upon arriving to the casino, the management pine over him hand and foot being the whale they knew he was.

Manger, "Sir, here is the key to your penthouse sweet."

CEO, "Thank you."

Manager, "Here are your complementary show tickets"

CEO, 'Thank you."

Manager, " Would you like to start at the blackjack table?"

CEO, "Naw, I'd rather play craps."

[Darinda]

TWO BEGGARS

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.

Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact,they would probably give more money to him just out of spite."

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

[Fireball]

BRUCE AND MARGARET…
Little Bruce and Margaret are only 10 years old, but they know they’re in love.
One day, they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Margaret’s father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, “Mr. Smith, me and Margaret are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.” Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, “Well, Bruce, you’re only 10. Where will you two live?”
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, “In Margaret’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, “Okay, then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Margaret.” Again, Bruce instantly replies, “Our allowances. Margaret makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine.” Mr. Smith is impressed that Bruce has put so much thought into this.
“Well, Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?” Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, “Well, we’ve been lucky so far.”
For some reason, Mr. Smith no longer thinks this little shit is adorable.

[Edwardo Piet]

Sorry I never meant to misquote you. I fucked up the quoting function. Thanks for pointing that out.

No worries! I just didn't want that attributed to me.

Man! I don't blame ya!

If you had accidentally misquoted me saying that retarded shit I would have probably been all like "FIREBALL!!!!!!!! I TRUSTED YOU YOU MOTHERFUCKING CUNT HOW DARE YOU MISQUOTE ME LIKE THAT YOU FUCKING ARSEHOLE BASTARD-FACED COCKMEISTER JUST KIDDING HAVE A NICE DAY SAY HI TO YOUR MOM FOR ME."

[Darinda]

The Sensuous Wife
"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"...the woman asked her husband.
"No"...said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra...and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her .....and smiled approvingly.

"Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"... She then asked her husband?

"Uh...no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... And pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill... And started breathing a little quicker with anticipation..
"Now" ...she said. "Have you ever seen $30,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way" ...he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused... And excited).

"Well go look in the garage!"...she said

[Fireball]

Barkeep! Another triple shot for my friend here! Ref post 2018.