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RE: joke time
December 5, 2017 at 10:22 am
(This post was last modified: December 5, 2017 at 10:44 am by Dave B.)
A rather dishevelled man stands before the local judge. The clerk of the court asks, "You are William Wellhard, otherwise known as "Hairy Mary", of number 5 Dock View Road?"
Cough, cough, "Yes Yer Honor," in a croaky voice.
"You are charged with committing a lewd act in a public place, how do you plead?"
Cough, sniff, "Guilty Yer Honor." Cough, cough.
The court usher takes pity on him, leans over and asks, "Do you want to suck a Fishermans' Friend?"
Cough, "No thanks, mate, I'm in enough trouble already!" Cough, sneeze.
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RE: joke time
December 5, 2017 at 2:18 pm
NEVER CHEAT ON A COUNTRY WOMAN!
A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn.
She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.
The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, "Stop ! Stop ! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said . . . . . .
"Nope....You are! I'm gonna burn down the Barn!!!"
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RE: joke time
December 5, 2017 at 3:07 pm
(December 5, 2017 at 2:18 pm)Darinda Wrote: NEVER CHEAT ON A COUNTRY WOMAN!
A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn.
She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.
The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, "Stop ! Stop ! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said . . . . . .
"Nope....You are! I'm gonna burn down the Barn!!!"
Now that's MY kind of justice!
Playing Cluedo with my mum while I was at Uni:
"You did WHAT? With WHO? WHERE???"
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RE: joke time
December 5, 2017 at 9:44 pm
A lawyer drives his new Porsche 914 to work and pulls it up in front of the office to show it off to his colleges. Upon exiting from the car, a truck sideswipes his car. The lawyer screams, "Oh my God, my car!" 'My beautiful car!"
A policeman saw the whole thing and says, "Are you so involved with your possessions and you don't even know that that truck took your arm off?!" The lawyer replies, "Oh my God!" 'My Rolex!"
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RE: joke time
December 5, 2017 at 9:55 pm
A Liberal looks at a half glass of water and says : "My cup is half full!"
A Conservative looks at a half glass of water and says: "Hey! Who's been drinking out of my glass?!"
God thinks it's fun to confuse primates. Larsen's God!
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RE: joke time
December 5, 2017 at 11:38 pm
An elderly couple was attending a church service.
About halfway through the woman leaned over to her husband and whispered, 'I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?
He replied, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
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RE: joke time
December 6, 2017 at 12:00 am
(December 5, 2017 at 9:55 pm)chimp3 Wrote: A Liberal looks at a half glass of water and says : "My cup is half full!"
A Conservative looks at a half glass of water and says: "Hey! Who's been drinking out of my glass?!"
And an engineer looks at it and says, "This glass is twice the size it needs to be." 
If you get to thinking you’re a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else’s dog around.
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RE: joke time
December 6, 2017 at 12:54 am
(December 5, 2017 at 11:38 pm)Little lunch Wrote: An elderly couple was attending a church service.
About halfway through the woman leaned over to her husband and whispered, 'I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?
He replied, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid." I know and elderly couple and they do NOT use glasses. They just drink straight out of the bottle!
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RE: joke time
December 6, 2017 at 2:04 am
(This post was last modified: December 6, 2017 at 2:04 am by vulcanlogician.)
(December 6, 2017 at 12:00 am)Fireball Wrote: (December 5, 2017 at 9:55 pm)chimp3 Wrote: A Liberal looks at a half glass of water and says : "My cup is half full!"
A Conservative looks at a half glass of water and says: "Hey! Who's been drinking out of my glass?!"
And an engineer looks at it and says, "This glass is twice the size it needs to be."
The Wicked Witch of the West looks at a half glass of water and says: "Get that fuckin thing away from me!"
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RE: joke time
December 6, 2017 at 2:11 am
(This post was last modified: December 6, 2017 at 2:25 am by Haipule.)
Evolution drives me APE!
(December 6, 2017 at 2:04 am)vulcanlogician Wrote: (December 6, 2017 at 12:00 am)Fireball Wrote: And an engineer looks at it and says, "This glass is twice the size it needs to be."
The Wicked Witch of the West looks at a half glass of water and says: "Get that fuckin thing away from me!" I love when The Wicked Witch of the West says, "How 'bout a little fire Scare Crow?!" That's what I say to anyone whom asks me for a light.
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