joke time

[The Valkyrie]

"Mum! I got into trouble at school because some other kids were smoking!"

"Why did YOU get into trouble?"

"Because I was the one who set them alight!"

[Haipule]

(fake) CNN: It snowed on the eastern seaboard last night and the first family awoke and were shocked to find the words "FUCK TRUMP" urinated on the white house lawn.

The FBI investigated and found it was Al Frankens urine but, it was in Rosie O'Donnell's handwriting.

[Edwardo Piet]

I bought some non-alcoholic beer.

Because I love the taste of beer but can't keep getting drunk eveyday.

Wait a second . . . this is the joke thread! Whoops! I thought this was the "Say true things" thread, cya!

[Haipule]

I bought some non-alcoholic beer.

Because I love the taste of beer but can't keep getting drunk eveyday.

Wait a second . . . this is the joke thread! Whoops! I thought this was the "Say true things" thread, cya!

We can't drink all day unless we start in the morning!

---

I bought some non-alcoholic beer.

Because I love the taste of beer but can't keep getting drunk eveyday.

Wait a second . . . this is the joke thread! Whoops! I thought this was the "Say true things" thread, cya!

We can't drink all day unless we start in the morning!

Our wife's can't accuse us of drinking all day unless we start now!

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

I have the heart of a lion. 

---

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

---

Boru

[Brian37]

[Dun it agen!]

Quoting Brian37

A disgruntled porn star set out to get even with his former company, and started bombing filming sites.

The media dubbed him,, "The Uniboner".

He was finally caught, and the FBI upon capture said it was a "hard case".
________________________

Did the identification evidence stand up to scrutiny in court?

Why yes, the evidence against him was rock solid.

[vulcanlogician]

A pirate walks into a bar.
The bartender recognizes him immediately and says, "Come in, old friend! It's been years! Sit down, have a beer on the house."
"Arrrrrr, thank ye," the pirate says pulling up a barstool and grabbing his freshly-poured beer.
"So," says the bartender, "What's up with that wooden leg? How'd that happen?"
"Arrrr! I was out at sea and me mates mutinied against me. They made me walk the plank. I managed to swim to a desert island but along the way a shark made off with me leg."
"How unfortunate!" exclaimed the bartender.
"Aye!"
"So what about that hook? You didn't have that last time we met."
"Arrrrr! We were pillagin' a town on the Italian coast. I found meself in a sword duel with the local constable. I managed to stick me scimitar right through his chest, but not before he chopped off me hand."
"Well, at least you survived," said the bartender.
"Aye!"
"Well, what about that eye patch? You didn't have that last time either."
"Oh, funny story. We were two miles off the coast, and I was lookin' at a seagull who was circlin' above. Would you believe that little bastard took a shit right in my eye?!"
The bartender was puzzled, "But a seagull pooping in your eye isn't going to poke your eye out..."
"Aye, but I wasn't used to the hook yet."

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

A different pirate enters the same pub later in the day, with a steering wheel tied to his testicles. When the barman asks, 'What's that for, then?' The pirate answers, 'Aargh, it drives me nuts!'

Boru

[Brian37]

Minimum wage should be considered gross income, very gross.

[Brian37]

(fake) CNN: It snowed on the eastern seaboard last night and the first family awoke and were shocked to find the words "FUCK TRUMP" urinated on the white house lawn.

The FBI investigated and found it was Al Frankens urine but, it was in Rosie O'Donnell's handwriting.

In other news, Trump is still an asshole accused by 16 women, and Roy Moore likes to hang out in malls. TRUE STORY, NO JOKE.