joke time

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

They say that oysters can enhance your sexual performance, but they've never worked for me. 

Maybe I'm putting them on wrong. 

Boru

[rskovride]

They say that oysters can enhance your sexual performance, but they've never worked for me. 

Maybe I'm putting them on wrong. 

Boru

You are not putting them on wrong.  In, you are putting them in wrong. Search youtube, you will see.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

They say that oysters can enhance your sexual performance, but they've never worked for me. 

Maybe I'm putting them on wrong. 

Boru

You are not putting them on wrong.  In, you are putting them in wrong. Search youtube, you will see.

Sounds like a vid I have less than no desire to see. 

Boru

[Fireball]

[ignoramus]

[KittyAnn]

Husband to wife: how many people have you slept with?
Wife: honestly? i have only ever slept with you..
Husband: Really?
Wife: yeh the rest managed to keep me awake!

                 
                    

[ignoramus]

An atheist and a Christian strike up a conversation on a short plane flight.
The Christian can't help himself and suggests that they discuss God.
The Atheist asks if he can ask a question first.

He asks, since the cow, the deer and the horse all eat grass, why do they poo patties, pellets and clumps?
The Theist shrugs and says he has no idea?

The atheist then asks: You wish to talk about God, the creator of the universe but you don't know shit?

---

Why do Scottish wear kilts? Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away!

---

A catholic priest and a jewish Rabbi are the first to run out of a burning building.
The priest asks the rabbi, should we go back in and check for kids? The Rabbi says: fuck the kids!
The Catholic priest asks: Do you think we'll have time?

---

My grandpa just told me that the young ones today rely too heavily on modern technology to survive!
I cracked the shits with the hypocrite, so I unplugged his life support.

---

Did you hear about the 3 car pile up in Mexico? Something like 200 people died!

---

Why don't orphans play baseball?
They don't know where home is?

---

What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
snowballs!

[vulcanlogician]

A young army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated.

Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army. Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General.

He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters staff.

The first was a Squadron Leader pilot from Air Force , and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' The young officer answered, 'Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears.' The general was displeased with his lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a Naval Lieutenant Commander, and he was even better. The General then asked him the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' He replied sheepishly, 'Well, sir, you have no ears.' The General threw him out also.

The third interview was with an Infantryman and a commando qualified Major.

The General liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' To his surprise the Major said, 'Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses.'

The General was very impressed and thought, 'What an incredibly observant officer.'

He asked, 'Major, how do you know I wear contacts?'

'Well, sir,' the officer replied, 'It's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fucking ears.'

[The Valkyrie]

Two Irishmen were applying for a job and during the interview of the first, the boss decided to apply an intelligence check.

"If I was to poke out one of your eyes, what would you be?" asked the interviewer.

"Half blind, sah." replied the Irishman.

"Very good. And what would you be if I poked out both of your eyes?"

"Totally blind, sah!"

"Very good. We'll let you know how you went. Send in the second candidate, please."

The Irishman went outside and said to his friend, "He'll ask you a couple of trick questions at the end. All you have to do is say half blind and totally blind."

Smiling, the second Irishman goes inside and goes through the interview. At the end the of the interview the potential employer asks, "What would you he if I cut off one of your ears?"

Without hesitation the Irishman says, "Half blind, sah!"

"Okay," says the interviewer. "If I was to cut off both your ears, what would you be?"

"Totally blind, sah!"

The interviewer makes a couple of notes and then says, "Those are interesting conclusions. How did you come up with them?"

"Well, " replies the Irishman, "If you were to cut off both my ears my cap would slip down over my eyes!"

[Fireball]

Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty. Boudreaux’s first assignment was in a military induction center.
Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.
The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30.00 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge. The officer decided he’d sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux’s sales pitch.
Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, “If you have the normal GI insurance and you go to Afghanistan and get yourself killed, the government pays your beneficiary $20,000. If you take out the supplemental insurance, which cost you only thirty dollars a month, the government has to pay your beneficiary $400,000!" Now, Boudreaux concluded, "Which bunch you think that the government is gonna send to Afghanistan first?”