joke time

[ignoramus]

True story:

Mrs Bob Hope: darling, where do want to be buried?
Mr Bob Hope: Surprise me?

[vulcanlogician]

A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck

A farmer passes by and says, "Hey you shot that deer on my property. That makes that deer mine." The hunter says, "No way, I tracked it, I shot it, it's mine." The farmer says, "Ok Ok...we'll settle this the old way." "The old way?" "Yes. We'll take turns kicking each other in the nuts and the first guy who can't take it anymore loses. The winner gets the deer." The hunter thinks about this and he says, "Ok, let's do it." The farmer says, "Ok, let me go first." He takes a big wind up and just nails the hunter right in the nuts with his big dirty farmer boots. The hunter doubles over in pain, huffing and puffing for a few minutes. He finally gets up, still panting and says, "Ok Ok...I'm still in...my turn." The farmer says, "Nah, you can keep the deer."

[Brian37]

I don't think this is fair.

I think you should be allowed to fill out your March Madness brackets after the Championship is played.

[Fireball]

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua . As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, “Let’s go over to that bar for a drink.”
The lady with the Chihuahua said, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.”
The one with the Doberman said, “Just watch, and do as I do.”
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, “Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.”
The woman with the Doberman said, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The bouncer said, “A Doberman?”
The woman said, “Yes, they’re using them now. They’re very good.”
The bouncer said, “OK, come on in.”
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, “What the heck,” so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, “Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.” The woman said, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog”
The bouncer said, “A Chihuahua?”
The woman with the Chihuahua said, ........
“A Chihuahua ? They gave me a !@#$%^& Chihuahua ?!”

[Divinity]

People keep telling me Jesus is coming.

So I ask them "On your mouth, or on your face?"

[Brian37]

People keep telling me Jesus is coming.

So I ask them "On your mouth, or on your face?"

Gotta love the money shot. 

[Little lunch]

People keep telling me Jesus is coming.

So I ask them "On your mouth, or on your face?"

I'm gonna steal that one, thanks.
But I'm gonna say, 'on my mouth or on my tits?'

[Darinda]

CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?

 
 
GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.
 
 
CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.
 
 
GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.
 
 
CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
 
 
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?
 
 
CALLER: My usual? You know me?
 
 
GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
 
 
CALLER: OK! That’s what I want …
 
 
GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula,
 
sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
 
 
CALLER: What? I detest vegetables..
 
 
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
 
 
CALLER: How the hell do you know?
 
 
GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
 
 
CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
 
 
GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.
According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.
 
 
CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore.
 
 
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
 
 
CALLER: I paid in cash.
 
 
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
 
 
CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
 
 
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
 
 
CALLER: WHAT THE HELL?
 
 
GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
 
 
CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
 
 
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago…

[Rhondazvous]

Did you hear the one about the guy and the guitar?

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Well, when you hear it, let me know. I love a new joke.

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[ignoramus]

I'll just pluck one out of the air Rhonda.
Are you just stringing us along?