joke time

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

A lumberjack was going about his business and approaches a likely-looking tree.

'Wait!', says the tree. 'You can't chop me down - I've been a talking tree my entire life!'

'Well,' says the lumberjack, hefting his axe, 'now you're going to dialogue.'

Boru

[Fireball]

Survey was going on as to why some people get much older than others. The surveyor ends up in a small Montana town. As he is driving down the street, he sees three very old gentlemen sitting on a bench by the barber shop, and decides this is as good a place as any to start. He asks the first one how he got to be so old. He says, I don’t cuss, I don’t drink, I don’t smoke or go out with wild women. He was asked how old he was and he replied 93 years. The second gentleman was asked the same question and he said, I don’t cuss, I don’t drink, I don’t smoke or go out with wild women. How old are you he was asked, his reply was 102 years. He looked at the third really old looking gentleman and asked him the same question. The really old looking man replied, I cuss, I drink, I smoke AND I go out with wild women. After pondering his answer, the surveyor asked, well then how old are you. The very old man replied, with a quavering voice, Thirrrtttyy siiixxxxx .

---

Crumpled Money…

While enjoying their evening cocktails, the wife asks her husband, in a very seductive voice,”Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”
“No,” said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a silky bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?” “Uh… No, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her panties… And pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?”
He said, ….”No!,” trying to hide his anticipation.
She said, “Better check the garage.”

[vulcanlogician]

My friend Dave drowned. At his funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebuoy. It’s what he would’ve wanted.

A Higgs Boson walks into a Catholic church. The Priest says " you can't be here!". The particle replies "you can't have mass without me ”

And since were on science:

A cop pulls over Heisenberg. He walks up to his window and says, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg says, "No. But I knew where I was."

[Brian37]

My friend Dave drowned. At his funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebuoy. It’s what he would’ve wanted.

A Higgs Boson walks into a Catholic church. The Priest says " you can't be here!". The particle replies "you can't have mass without me ”

And since were on science:

A cop pulls over Heisenberg. He walks up to his window and says, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg says, "No. But I knew where I was."

Are you certain of this?

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Swiss historians have recently discovered that William Tell and his son were members of a bowling league.  Unfortunately, they have been unable to determine who sponsored the league, so we may never know for whom the Tells bowled.

Boru

[Rhondazvous]

A husband and wife are on their way out to dinner.
Wife: How do I look, honey?
Husband: Fat. Your ass is the size of a barbecue grill.
The wife is silent as they go out. Later that night, they return and go to bed.
Husband: Hey baby, wanna fool around.
Wife: What? You think I'm going to fire up this grill for that one little lonely-assed wiener?

[downbeatplumb]

Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?

Well, son your mum likes easter and Teresa is an anagram of easter

Is that right dad?

Yes it is Alan.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Two politicians are having a fierce argument when one of them shouts, 'Everything you're saying is a lie!' and the other responds, 'I know, but hear me out.'

Boru

[Brian37]

What exactly is "Aviv" and what do you Tel it?

[Darinda]

Hurricanes are named after women because they arrive wet n wild and when they leave, they take your house and car.