joke time

[Haipule]

I've told that joke before here but is was Bill Clinton--Al Gore's urine and Hilary's handwriting. I think that joke originated with Jimmy Carter or Richard Nixon. Anyway, I think it's hilarious!

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It's always nice to know that someone is thinking about you.

Especially while they're masturbating!

No truer words...

Gotta link?

E: joke time
December 8, 2017 at 2:26 am

(fake) CNN: It snowed on the eastern seaboard last night and the first family awoke and were shocked to find the words "FUCK TRUMP" urinated on the white house lawn.

The FBI investigated and found it was Al Frankens urine but, it was in Rosie O'Donnell's handwriting. 
___________________________________________
I musta done the Bill Clinton one on another thread

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Gotta link?

E: joke time
December 8, 2017 at 2:26 am

(fake) CNN: It snowed on the eastern seaboard last night and the first family awoke and were shocked to find the words "FUCK TRUMP" urinated on the white house lawn.

The FBI investigated and found it was Al Frankens urine but, it was in Rosie O'Donnell's handwriting. 
___________________________________________
I musta done the Bill Clinton one on another thread

Page 222 of Joke Time

[ignoramus]

Watch what you buy on ebay...  I sent $95 for a penis enlarger ...bastards sent me a magnifying glass!




Selling Paul Walker's keyboard on ebay ( $100 )
Disclaimer: it's missing a key ( previous owner lost CTRL ).



I couldn't find one lighter on ebay but instead found 45324 matches!

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Watch what you buy on ebay...  I sent $95 for a penis enlarger ...bastards sent me a magnifying glass!

I got an email advert that said, 'If you rub this product this on your penis, it'll get larger!' and I thought to myself, 'That applies to a whole LOT of things.'

Boru

[Haipule]

There's a very old joke on this thread I forget by whom. But, I added a last line to it...


A man looks to a women heart.


It's not our fault the tits are in the way!


Can I get a yea-men!

[Rev. Rye]

Here's an old joke I discovered recently: St. Peter decides only people who've had a particularly gruesome demise will get into Heaven. As soon as he decides this, three men come in in short succession.

Man 1 shows up and when St. Peter asks how he died, he says "So, I came home early from work one day, and I found my wife naked in bed. The balcony door was wide open. Then I looked out and saw a man hanging onto the railing for dear life. I put two and two together and I took a hammer and I hit his fingers until he fell. Unfortunately, he fell into a dumpster, so he lived. Then, thinking quickly, I took the wardrobe and hurled it down. Now, I don't know if you've ever tried to carry a full wardrobe, but they're heavy. When the adrenaline wore off, I had a heart attack, and so I end up here." St. Peter thinks about it and lets him in.

Man 2 shows up and when St. Peter asks how he died, he says "Well, it all started when I started doing calisthenics on my balcony. Somehow, I lost my balance and fell off. Fortunately, I managed to grab onto another balcony's railing. But then, this lunatic comes in and starts wailing on my hands with a hammer for no goddam reason (pardon my language) and I fall again. By an extraordinary stroke of luck, I fell into a dumpster and the filth broke my fall. Then - I wouldn't believe this if I didn't see it myself - He tosses a fucking wardrobe on my head. And so, I end up here." St. Peter thinks about it and lets him in.

Man 3 shows up and when St. Peter asks how he died, he says "So, picture this: I'm hiding in a wardrobe-"

Okay, full disclosure, this came from a TVTropes page on Russian Humour, but it's one that really seems to work about as well in a Western context.

Certainly better than the one about how Americans figured out that Russian rockets were made out of three interchangeable and interlocking parts: khuyevina, pizd'ulina, and a poyeben' (Because, for reasons that are fucking bizarre to me, there's only about four main swear words in Russian [meaning roughly, cock, cunt, fuck, and whore], but apparently, they're so ubiquitous [particularly in industrial contexts] that damn near EVERYTHING not only has a name built around those four dirty words, but in a factory context, people will use those obscene names far more often than the actual word.)

[Gawdzilla Sama]

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Boru

[Cod]

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Look for the fresh prince.

I'm running out of jokes.

That should have been prints not prince doh.

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I got fired from the juice factory…. I couldn't concentrate.

[Fireball]

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Drug Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog.'

"His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this."

He told Sniffer to 'search.'

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent said, "Good boy," and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."

"Gee, that's pretty good," replied the first man.

Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to 'search' the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" said his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop on the seat.

The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that. So he asked the agent, "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He's just found a bomb!"

[Haipule]

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Look for the fresh prince.

I'm running out of jokes.

That should have been prints not prince doh.

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I got fired from the juice factory…. I couldn't concentrate.

I got fired from M&M for throwing out the W's