joke time

[ignoramus]

Not sure if this is weird or not but we just selected the light gray colour for the render paint of our new home. The paint name is "nantucket"

[polymath257]

Once upon a time, a chicken decided to become a writer. And, in fact, it became a very good writer, although the chicken itself didn't think so.

Because of this, when it won an award, it was quite shocked.

It was a pullet surprise.

[Darinda]

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely.” To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.
The first student raises his hand and says, “The sky is definitely blue.”
The teacher says, “Well, that isn’t entirely correct, because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy.”
Another student says, “Grass is definitely green.” The teacher again replies, “If grass doesn’t get enough water, it turns brown, so that isn’t really correct either.”
Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher, “Do farts have lumps?” The teacher looks at him and says, “No, but that isn’t really question you want to ask in class discussion.”
So the student replies, “Then I’ve definitely shit in my pants.”

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

A young-ish couple are on their first date at a restaurant.  Partway through the meal, he notices an odd little indentation on the bridge of her nose. Too polite to say anything (and not wanting to hurt his chances for later), his glance nevertheless keeps straying back to the mark.

Eventually, she becomes aware of this and says, 'Let me save you the trouble of asking - that little dent is caused by glasses.'

'Sorry,' he says, a little shamefacedly. 'I didn't mean to stare, but have you ever considered contact lenses?'

'Nah,' she answers. 'They don't hold enough beer.'

Boru

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

‘Susan! I haven’t seen you for ages! How are you, luv?’

‘Well, since we last spoke, I’ve developed a rare medical condition - every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm.’

‘Oh, dear. Are you taking anything for it?’

‘Yes. Snuff.’

Boru

[The Valkyrie]

A pair of cops are standing with a dog outside a bar in Glasgow.

Suddenly, a man leaves the bar, bends down, lifts the dog's tail, has a quick look and disappears back into the bar.

The two cops, look at each other. The dog looks puzzled.

"What was that about?" Asks one of the cops.

"No idea," replies his partner.

They shake off the incident and continue to watch the traffic go by.

A few minutes later, another man sneaks out of the bar, lifts the dog's tail, has a careful look, and slinks back into the bar.

Again the cops look at each other, puzzled.

The dog looks violated.

"What the fuck?" Asks the first cop.

The second cop just shrugs.

A few minutes later a third man sneaks out of the bar and is about to lift the dog's tail when the first cop stops him.

"Okay, that's enough. What the hell is going on?" Demands the first cop.

"There's a guy in the bar who keeps telling us that there's a dog outside with two arseholes."

"Get the fuck out of here!" Yells the first cop.

The drunk runs off down the street.

The cops look at each other. Then the first one bends down and lifts the dog's tail.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

'A shy young maid has took a room down at the village inn.
Her bedside light is oh so bright, the curtains oh so thin.

And nine o'clock, she enters the room, at half-past nine she sleeps.
Lord Clarendon walks quickly on, but naughty Samuel Pepys.' - Benny Hill

Boru

[Cecelia]

I'm a terrible person.

Today, someone said "Rush Limbaugh's cancer is terminal."

And my first thought was "My sympathies to his cancer."

[The Valkyrie]

I'm a terrible person.

Today, someone said "Rush Limbaugh's cancer is terminal."

And my first thought was "My sympathies to his cancer."

Considering the past year I shouldn't laugh but...

[vulcanlogician]

A teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Grade 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed.

Madam: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2?

Boy: Legs.

Madam: What is in your trousers that I don't have?

Boy: Pockets.

Madam: What starts with a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?

Boy: Coconut.

Madam: What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky?

The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge

Boy: Bubble gum.

Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do.

Boy: Tent.

The principal was looking restless.

Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?.

Boy: Wedding ring.

Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good?

Boy: Nose.

Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver.

Boy: Arrow.

Principal: OH MY GOD.

Madam: What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you have to use your hand?

Boy: Fork.

Madam: What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?

Boy: Surname.

Principal: Ohooo!

Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love?

Boy: Heart.

Principal: Eeeeeh!

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam, "Send this bloody boy to the university. I myself got all the answers wrong!"