joke time

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Reminds me of:

A wife asks, ‘What would you like for breakfast?’ and hubby says, ‘Cold coffee, burnt toast, over-cooked eggs, and under-done bacon.’

‘I can’t serve you food like that!’

‘Why not? You did yesterday.’

Boru

[Darinda]

A medical doctor, an engineer, and a politician were discussing their professions. Which profession was the oldest?

The medical officer reminded the others that the Book of Genesis clearly states that the first woman was created from the rib of a man. This was a medical function, so one must agree that his profession was the oldest.

Whereupon the engineer argued that earlier in the Book of Genesis there was a reference to the fact that God created order and calm out of chaos and mayhem. ‘That would take an engineer!’

‘Oh no,’ cried the politician, ‘we go back further. Who do you think created the chaos?’

[Darinda]

The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was quite pleasantly surprised when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, “I wanna watch.”

[Fireball]

The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was quite pleasantly surprised when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, “I wanna watch.”

They didn't pack it in a can of Crisco, did they? 

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

A man is applying for a job at his local post office, and is being interviewed.

'Do you have any allergies?'

'Yes, I can't drink coffee.'

'I see. Any disabilities?'

'Yes, I did two tours in Iraq, and an IED took off both of my testicles.'

'Oh, dear, I'm awful sorry. However, that's good news for your application. Your military experience gains you five points, and as a disabled veteran, you get another ten. The job is yours.'

'That's grand! When do I start?'

'Well, our hours are from 8:00 til 4:00. Be here at 10:00 tomorrow and plan on coming at the same time every day after that.'

'Wait - if you start at 8:00, why will I be coming in at 10:00?'

'Mate, this is a government job. We spend the first two hours of every day drinking coffee and scratching our balls. Not much point in you showing up for that.'

Boru

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Sometimes, I'll listen to a drum solo over and over. I'm afraid this could have repercussions.

Boru

[Darinda]

A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well but the trouble was he kept winking and stammering.

The interviewer said, “Although you have a lot of the qualities we’re looking for, the fact that you keep winking and stammering disqualifies you.”

“Oh, that’s no problem,” said the man. “If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking and stammering for an hour.”

“Show me,” said the interviewer.

So the man reached into his pocket. Embarrassingly he pulled out a variety of condoms before he found the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin and soon talked perfectly and stopped winking.

The interviewer said, “That’s amazing, but I don’t think we could employ someone who’d be womanizing all over the country.”

“Excuse me!” exclaimed the man. “I’m a happily married man, not a womanizer!”

“Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?” asked the interviewer.

The man replied, “Have you ever gone into a pharmacy, stammering and winking, and asked for a packet of aspirin?”

[Brian37]

Scientists have created a new diagram based on young adults illegally road racing on public roads. It has been named "Venn Diesel Diagram" based on the "Farce And The Conspirious" study. 

[Darinda]

It was my first time visiting Dr. Putz for a colonoscopy.  I went into his office for my first rectal exam.  His new blond nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room.  She told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me.  She said that he would be only a few minutes.
 
After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down.  While waiting, I observed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer. 
When Dr. Putz finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. 
This is my first exam.  I know what the K-Y is for.  And, I know what the glove is for.  But can you tell me what the BEER is for?" 
At that, Doctor Putz became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.  He flung the door open and yelled to his new blonde nurse, "Damn it, Evelyn!!!  I said  ~ A BUTT LIGHT!"

[The Valkyrie]

The things I learn...

The insspiration for a famous Rolling Stones song came from a time Mick Jagger was on holiday in the Scottish Countryside, on a dairy farm.

In the middle of the night he woke up hearing the farmer shout, "Hey, McLeod, get offa my ewe!"