joke time

[arewethereyet]

I'm really confused by this post.

For one thing, I don't know if all these sentences are supposed to be understood together or separately.

Oh boy, the most southern tip of the inland 48 is Key West Florida. It is also known for it's "Key Lime Pie"  and "Limey" has been slang for Irish, and Conch (sea snail) is the official "horn shell" or "flag" of Key West. Flipper was a famous TV show in the 60s about a dolphin who behaved more like a trained dog than a dolphin. Dan Marino was Miami  Dolphin's  Quarterback, and even today, at that position, you are likely to get your ass drilled into the ground and hit your head on the ground. And Dan Marino stared in "Ace Ventura Pet Detective" played himself as a kidnapped Quarterback at the same time their mascot in the movie a dolphin was kidnapped as well, and at the end of the movie the bad guy/ Einhorn threatened to kill both Dan and Ace, and one of his responses was "I get hit in the head a lot".

I think you are the one who has been hit on the head a lot.

[Darinda]

An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating proposing.

“Do you think she’d marry me if I tell her I’m 45?” he asked a friend.

“Your chances are better,” said the friend, “if you tell her you’re 90.”

[Darinda]

An angry wife to her husband on the phone: “Where the hell are you?”

Husband: “Darling, you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn’t have money at that time, and I said ‘Baby it’ll be yours one day’?”

Wife, with a smile and blushing: “Yeah I remember that my love!”

Husband: “I’m in the pub just next to that shop.”

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

John and Susan are planning their wedding, but there's a snag. Susan's younger 19 year old sister Beth is constantly flirting with John - wearing crop tops and short-shorts around him, brushing up against him, bending over when no one else is looking so John gets a full view of the Good and Services Department, and so on.

One evening, Beth calls John and asks him to drive over because she needs help with the wedding invitations. When he gets there, she opens the door wearing a silk robe that leaves very little to the imagination. 'My flirting obviously hasn't worked,' she said,  'so here's the deal. I want just one one night of passion with you before you commit yourself to my sister. No one will ever know, and I will never pursue you again. Now, I'm going upstairs to my room to get ready for you.' When she gets to the top of the stairs, she opens her robe, slides off her undies, and goes in to her bedroom.

John is flabbergasted. In a moment of resolve, he walks straight out the front door and heads for his car. Just then, his future father-in-law steps up, tearfully hugs John, and says, 'I'm so glad you passed our little test. Welcome to the family, my boy!!'

And the moral of this story is:

---

Always leave your condoms in the car.

---

Boru

[Darinda]

Guy calls in sick, telling his boss that he has an incredibly bad headache. His boss said, “I understand. However, when I have a bad headache, I make love with my wife and it goes away – you should try it.”

Two hours later he shows up for work and the boss says, “I see you tried it and it seems to have worked!”

“Yes, thank you,” he replied. “And by the way, you have a beautiful house.”

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Guy calls in sick, telling his boss that he has an incredibly bad headache. His boss said, “I understand. However, when I have a bad headache, I make love with my wife and it goes away – you should try it.”

Two hours later he shows up for work and the boss says, “I see you tried it and it seems to have worked!”

“Yes, thank you,” he replied. “And by the way, you have a beautiful house.”

Reminds me of the old standard:

‘I just don’t hold with all this modern bundling and canoodling! I certainly never slept with my wife before we were married. Did you?’

‘I don’t know - what was her maiden name?’

Boru

[Brian37]

If you are old enough to own a VCR/dvd recorder does that mean you are CO-VID?

[Darinda]

Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, “Put that away Johnny! You can’t have ice cream now. It’s too close to supper time. Go outside and play.”

Johnny whimpers and says, “There’s no one to play with.”

Trying to placate him, she says, “OK, I’ll play with you. What do you want to play?”

He says, “I wanna play Mommie and Daddy.”

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, “Fine, I’ll play. What do I do?”
Johnny says, “You go up to the bedroom and lie down.” Figuring that she can easily control the situation, she goes upstairs.

Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his father’s old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

His mother raises up and says, “What do I do now?”
In a gruff manner, Johnny says, “Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!”

[The Valkyrie]

Apparently it's "rude" to ask the parents of a child on a leash if it was a rescue.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

‘What a nice dog! Did you adopt him?’

‘No, he’s our natural child.’

Boru