joke time

[A. Secular Human]

Donald Trump and Marjorie Taylor Greene are in a rowboat that’s sinking in the middle of a lake. You can only save one of them — who would you choose?

I'll have the seabass.

Which rhymes with "dumb ass".

It's the circle of life!

[Darinda]

A man and his wife are driving along the road when a police car flags them down. The officer signals to the man to roll his window down.

“Do you realize, sir, you were doing 36 miles per hour in a 30 mph area?”

Husband: You must be mistaken officer, I was doing no more than 30 I assure you.”

Wife: Oh Peter, don’t lie. I warned you you were going far too fast.”

Policeman: Furthermore sir, I am going to have to book you for having no rear license plate.

Husband: What? Oh my, it must have fallen off, I thought I heard a noise just about fifteen minutes ago, didn’t I dear?

Wife: Oh Peter, don’t lie. I told you three weeks ago it had fallen off and you simply ignored me.

Policeman: Indeed? Well, for that sir, I am also going to charge you for not wearing a seatbelt.

Husband: But officer, I slipped it off when I stopped for you as I thought you might want me to come out of the car.

Wife: Oh Peter, do stop lying. I have nagged you ever since we left the house about it, but again, oh no, just ignore me. He never wears his belt officer.

By this time the man is so incensed with her, he lets rip.

“Oh yes, nag, nag, nag. Why don’t you ever effin shut up, you ugly, vicious motor-mouthed heap of cheap scented lard!”

Policeman: Excuse me, madam, does your husband always talk to you like this?

Wife: Oh no officer, only when he’s drunk.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

‘Sir, extend both arms, close your eyes, and touch the tip of your nose with your fingertips.’

‘I can’t do that, officer. I have severe vertigo. I could pass out.’

‘Well, then blow into this breathalyzer for me.’

‘I can’t do that, officer. I have severe asthma. I could suffocate.’

‘Then I’m going to have to take you in for a blood alcohol test.’

‘I can’t do that officer. I have severe haemophila. I could bleed to death.’

‘Then let me see you walk this white line.’

‘I can’t do that, officer.’

*exasperated* ‘Why the hell not??’

‘Because I’m severely drunk.’

Boru

[Darinda]

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.
I thought to myself, “I really need a new fucking boat.”

[A. Secular Human]

Q: What's the difference between a tribe of pygmies, and a women's track team?

A: The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Ophelia: Babe, wanna come over?

Hamlet: Can’t. I’m hiding a body.

Ophelia: You sure? Daddy’s not home .

Hamlet: I know.

Boru

[Darinda]

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?” One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?” The man yells, “Today’s the day!”

[awty]

An alcoholic, a sex addict, and a pothead die and go to hell.
Satan decides to lock them each in a room with their addiction of choice.
The alcoholic is a room filled with booze, the sex addict is locked in a room filled with sexy young women, the pothead is locked in a room filled to the ceiling with herb.
They all think it's not going to be so bad.
A hundred years later Satan goes to check on them. The alcoholic drank all the booze in the first year and has suffered with a 99-year hangover and is miserable.
The sex addict is running around the room crying...he tells Satan that at first it was all okay but now he was being chased by women who were well over a hundred years old.
The pothead is sobbing in his room full of herb.
Satan asks what the problem is.
The pothead asks...dude, do you have a lighter?

[Darinda]

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. 
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, “Ain’t no use knockin’! There’s no paper on this side either!”

[Darinda]

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor’s office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?”
“There’s something wrong with my d*ck,” he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded office and say things like that.” “Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you, he said.”
The receptionist replied, “You’ve obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.”
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?”
“There’s something wrong with my ear,” he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
“And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?”
“I can’t piss out of it, the man replied.”
The doctor’s office erupted in laughter