joke time

[Darinda]

A mathematician comes home at three in the morning.
His wife has been waiting for him and says angrily, “You’re late. You said you’d be home at 11:45!”

“Actually,” the mathematician replies, “I said I’d be home at a quarter of 12.”

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

The Pink Panther’s To-Do List:

- To do

- To do

- To do, to do, to do, to do, to do do do do do…

Boru

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Why are there pop tarts but no mom tarts?

---

Because of the pastryarchy.

---

Boru

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

I once crossed an alligator with a homing pigeon, and now I'm afraid it's going to come back to bite me.

Boru

[Darinda]

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down
the street when a masked robber runs out of the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon
decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate.
All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter
walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother.
"I was taking a pee and this bullet came out."
replies the daughter.
The mother tells her it's okay and explains what
happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walks
in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking pee
and this bullet came out."
Again the mother tells her not to worry and
explains what happened 16 years ago.
A week later the boy walks into the room in tears.
"It's okay," says the mom, "I know what happened,
you were taking a pee and a bullet came out."
"No," says the boy, "I was masturbating and I shot
the dog."

[Fake Messiah]

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down
the street when a masked robber runs out of the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach.
Luckily ...

Wow, now that is an ancient joke. I first heard it in the 90s.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

I'm thinking of writing a novel about scantily clad, sexy lizard people who control the world from the shadows.

Working title: 'The Illumi-Naughty'.

Boru

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Imma be rich! I ordered a books called ‘The Art Of Successfully Scamming People’ ($39.00). 

I ordered it four months ago. Should be here any day now…

Boru

[Darinda]

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.

“She’s finally gone…yeah I know, about bloody time, I’m coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie.
I love you…can’t wait to see you…we’ll do all the naughty things you like.”
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.
Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote…

“I can see your feet. We’re outta bread: be back in five minutes.”

[Darinda]

Everyone asked a 100-year-old man and his 98-year-old wife for their health secrets.

The old man said “I’ll tell you my secret. I’ve been married for 75 years. I promised my wife when we got married that when we quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometres. So I’ve been walking 5 kilometres every day for past 75 years!”

Everyone applauded and asked again “But how come your wife is very healthy as well?”

The old man answered “That is another secret. For 75 years every single day she has been following me to make sure I really walk the full 5 kilometres!”