joke time

[Darinda]

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. Takes a seat at the bar. The bartender asks, “what’s with the monkey?”

The man replies, “don’t worry about him I pay for anything he does”. The monkey jumps on the bar, finds some peanuts and eats them. He finds Some pickled egg and eats them too. Then jumps onto the pool table picks up the cue ball and eats it.

The bartender exclaims, “Holy Crap! Did you see what your monkey just did?! He just picked up the cue ball off the table at ate it!” The man apologizes, pays for his drinks and everything the monkey ate, and leaves.

A few weeks later the man returns to the bar with his monkey. Again sits at the bar as the monkey wanders around. The monkey finds some cherries. He picks one up shoves it up his butt and then pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender, astonished, exclaims, “Holy crap!!! Your monkey just picked up a cherry, shoved it up his butt, and then ate it!!!!”

The man replies, “ya ever since that cue ball he measures everything first.”

[Darinda]

A young woman was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking. Her friend asked her, “Why did you cut off the end of the ham”? And she replied ,”I really don’t know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to.”

Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied,”I really don’t know, but that’s the way my mom always did it.”

A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, “Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?”

Her grandmother replied ,”Well dear, otherwise it would never fit into my baking pan.”

[Darinda]

Three Kids are arguing about who’s dad is the fastest

At lunch the first boy says,

“My dad is the fastest because he is a brick layer & when he drops a brick from the 5th floor he can run to the ground level & be there before the brick hits!”

“Not bad,” says the 2nd boy, “But my dad is faster.”

“He is a professional archer

When he shoots an arrow at the bulls-eye he can reach it before the arrow does!”

“That’s pretty fast,” says the 3rd boy, “But not as fast as my old man.”

“My dad works for the Government as a public servant, & when he finishes work at 5pm, he can get home by 2:30pm!”

[Darinda]

“Lord, I have a problem.” “What’s the problem, Eve?”

“I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.”

“And why is that Eve?”

“Lord, I am lonely, and I’m sick to death of apples.”

“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

“Man? What is that Lord?”

“A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But he’ll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things.

I’ll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won’t be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly.”

“Sounds great,” says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, “but what’s the catch Lord?”

“Well, you can have him on one condition.”

“And what’s that Lord? ”

“As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring … so you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret. Woman to woman.”

[Silver]

Parents: Don't think so negatively.

Teenager: Then maybe I shouldn't be I math class.

[Darinda]

The judge reviews the divorce case very carefully and issues his judgement. “Mr Smith, I am going to give your wife $750 a month.”

Mr. Smith’s replies, “That’s very nice of you, judge. And every once in a while I will send her a little extra too.”

[The Valkyrie]

In a bookshop.

Me, "Do you have the new medical book about small penises?"

Employee, "I don't think it's in yet."

Me, "Yes, that's the one."

[Darinda]

The children were all lined up for their first confession when Little Johnny’s turn came. The priest asked him to confess his sins, and the boy promptly replied, “Father, I threw a stone at Jimmy.”

“That was a very misguided thing to do, my son,” said the priest patiently.

“It wasn’t misguided at all,” said Little Johnny. “I hit him.”

[Darinda]

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, “If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?” “No, I stopped drinking years ago,” the bum said.

“Will you use it to gamble?”

“I don’t gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay live.”

“Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?”

“Are you NUTS! I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”

The man said, “Well, I’m not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I’m going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.” The bum was astounded.

“Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad.”

The man replied, “Hey, man, that’s OK! I just want her to see what a man looks like who’s given up drinking, gambling, and golf!”

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

I finally worked up the nerve to go to one of those *wink wink* massage parlours.

Turned out to be self-service.

Boru