Posts: 190
Threads: 7
Joined: July 6, 2013
Reputation:
18
RE: joke time
November 5, 2015 at 10:15 am
For his birthday, little Joe asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'
The next day the father saw little Joe heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'
Little Joe told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you yelling to Mom that you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And I’ll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike!
"Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.” ~ Ambrose Bierce
“I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man's reasoning powers are not above the monkey's." - Mark Twain in Eruption
Posts: 3676
Threads: 354
Joined: April 12, 2015
Reputation:
42
RE: joke time
November 5, 2015 at 11:22 am
Jack: Give it to me straight, doc. What have I got?
Doctor: You’ve got 10…
Jack: (frantic) 10 what? 10 months? 10 years?
Doctor: (looking at his watch) …9, 8, 7, 6…
The god who allows children to be raped out of respect for the free will choice of the rapist, but punishes gay men for engaging in mutually consensual sex couldn't possibly be responsible for an intelligently designed universe.
I may defend your right to free speech, but i won't help you pass out flyers.
Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.
--Voltaire
Nietzsche isn't dead. How do I know he lives? He lives in my mind.
Posts: 46062
Threads: 538
Joined: July 24, 2013
Reputation:
109
RE: joke time
November 5, 2015 at 7:59 pm
On the subject of bicycles, a little lad goes to his mum and DEMANDS a new bike.
'Sorry,' says mum. 'We simply can't afford it right now. Maybe you should ask Santa for one.'
The littl'un walks away muttering, thinking to himself, 'I've asked Santa for loads of stuff, and gotten damn all.' He mopes for a bit then it occurs to him that praying for a bike might work. So every night for a week, just before bed, his begs, he implores Jesus to send him a new bike. Every morning he gets up and (big shock), no bike. At the end of the week, he's just about to give up, when he notices the small statue of the Blessed Virgin on the mantle. When no one's looking, he takes the statue, wraps it in a tea towel, and hides it under his bad.
That night, he gets on his knees, clasps his little hands together and says, 'Sweet Lord Jesus; if you ever want to see your mammy again...'
Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
Posts: 43162
Threads: 720
Joined: September 21, 2008
Reputation:
133
RE: joke time
November 5, 2015 at 8:04 pm
(This post was last modified: November 5, 2015 at 8:05 pm by Edwardo Piet.)
I found a funny meme that won't really work in the debate meme thread and I want to share it:
![[Image: e1996ea0c0af0132d64a005056a9545d]](https://images.weserv.nl/?url=assets.amuniversal.com%2Fe1996ea0c0af0132d64a005056a9545d)
Posts: 69247
Threads: 3759
Joined: August 2, 2009
Reputation:
259
RE: joke time
November 5, 2015 at 8:18 pm
THE HISTORY OF PROFILING
>>
>> The day it all started was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy
>> Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo .
>> He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the
>> fort.
>>
>> William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over
>> the top of the wall. These three great men gazed at the hordes of
>> Mexicans moving toward them.
>>
>> With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said: "Jim,
>> are we having some landscaping done today?"
Posts: 69247
Threads: 3759
Joined: August 2, 2009
Reputation:
259
RE: joke time
November 5, 2015 at 9:00 pm
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to
sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the
farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched
and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with
the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of
rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken
arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of
rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the
chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike,
rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and
the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best
Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too,
began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and
he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving
his life.
The moral of the story?
'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks.
Posts: 43162
Threads: 720
Joined: September 21, 2008
Reputation:
133
RE: joke time
November 5, 2015 at 9:46 pm
Genius.
Posts: 35273
Threads: 204
Joined: August 13, 2012
Reputation:
146
RE: joke time
November 5, 2015 at 9:56 pm
(November 5, 2015 at 9:46 pm)Evie Wrote: Genius.
You called?
Playing Cluedo with my mum while I was at Uni:
"You did WHAT? With WHO? WHERE???"
Posts: 20476
Threads: 447
Joined: June 16, 2014
Reputation:
111
RE: joke time
November 5, 2015 at 11:02 pm
Not you! Wadda ya want Evie!
No God, No fear.
Know God, Know fear.
Posts: 190
Threads: 7
Joined: July 6, 2013
Reputation:
18
RE: joke time
November 5, 2015 at 11:09 pm
Three women are bowling on the green when
suddenly a bloke runs by wearing nothing but a bag over his head.
As he passes by the first woman, she looks down and says,
"Well, he's certainly not my husband."
As he passes by the second woman, she also glances at his
genitalia and says, "He's not my husband either."
He then passes by the third woman, who stares carefully as
he runs by her.
"Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a club member!!!!"
"Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.” ~ Ambrose Bierce
“I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man's reasoning powers are not above the monkey's." - Mark Twain in Eruption
|
