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Current time: March 1, 2025, 9:15 am

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joke time
RE: joke time
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "To the kitchen."

She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replies, "Sure."

She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He says, "No, I can remember that."

She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."

He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."
You make people miserable and there's nothing they can do about it, just like god.
-- Homer Simpson

God has no place within these walls, just as facts have no place within organized religion.
-- Superintendent Chalmers

Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins a movie by telling you how it ends. There are some things we don't want to know. Important things.
-- Ned Flanders

Once something's been approved by the government, it's no longer immoral.
-- The Rev Lovejoy
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RE: joke time
Seamus goes into the confessional and does the intro. He then tells the priest, 'I've done a terrible, terrible thing, Father Leary. I've...I've...committed adultery! I beg of you, Father, grant me absolution!'

'Of course, my son. But before I do, you must make a good act of contrition and tell me the name of the woman.'

'Oh, for the love of Jesus, Father, don't ask me to do a thing like that! She's married and it would wreck her life.'

'It was that Mrs. Murphy, wasn't it? The butcher's wife.'

'No, Father, not her.'

'The it must have been Mrs. Donnelly, the librarian. Or that terrible temptress, Mrs. O'Neil, her that's married to the police constable?'

'Not them either, Father. Please, grant me absolution and restore my hope of Heaven, but don't make me say who it was.'

Sternly now, the priest says, 'If you'll not make a clean breast of your terrible sin, I cannot and will not grant you absolution. Go to your home and pray for guidance. Come back when you're prepared to make a FULL confession.'

Abashed, Seamus slinks out of the box and out of the church, where his friend Mike is waiting for him. 'Well,' says Mike, 'Did you get absolved?'

'No,' grins Seamus, 'But I got three very good leads.'

Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
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RE: joke time
TRUE STORY:

I was telling a friend about this Lebanese guy I knew who had 6 toes on one of his feet.
The guy asked me if he was born like that or was it an accident! ( I thought ...WTF?)
No God, No fear.
Know God, Know fear.
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RE: joke time
Radiation Shock
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RE: joke time
Do you know what the Buddha says to the hot dog vendor?

He says: 'Make me one with everything.'
Then Buddha hands the vendor a twenty, he takes his food, eats it. He stands there, looking at the vendor, and nothing happens.
Buddha says, "What about my change?"

The vendor replies, "Change comes only from within."
I am John Cena's hip-hop album.
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RE: joke time
Joe: I was walking down the street when I saw this gorgeous matta baby.
Jim: What's a matta baby?

The god who allows children to be raped out of respect for the free will choice of the rapist, but punishes gay men for engaging in mutually consensual sex couldn't possibly be responsible for an intelligently designed universe.

I may defend your right to free speech, but i won't help you pass out flyers.

Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.
--Voltaire

Nietzsche isn't dead. How do I know he lives? He lives in my mind.
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RE: joke time
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2AXGwacBs0
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RE: joke time
What do you call a boat full of lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
I am John Cena's hip-hop album.
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RE: joke time
(January 5, 2016 at 8:11 pm)ApeNotKillApe Wrote: What do you call a boat full of lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.

Hehe. reminds me of that old joke.
What the difference between a dragonfish and a lawyer?
One's a scum sucking bottom dweller and the other is some type of marine animal.
No God, No fear.
Know God, Know fear.
Reply
RE: joke time
What do you call one lawyer on the moon? One lawyer on the moon.
What do you call two lawyers on the moon? Two lawyers on the moon
What do you call three lawyers on the moon? Three lawyers on the moon.
What do you call ALL the lawyers on the moon? Problem solved.
I am John Cena's hip-hop album.
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