joke time

[Fireball]

Because I had the idea of the man taking a shit in my head already, it took me a minute to figure out what it really was. Lol!

This appears to be a case of horizontal projectile defecation.

[Minimalist]

Speaking of which, where is C/L?

[Brian37]

An alpaca decides to take a holiday trip overseas, at the airport the customs agents scan the bag and the metal detector goes off.

Custom agent says, "I am sorry, I'll need you to unpaca."

[Little lunch]

I felt like eating pizza last night so I got on the phone and ordered a thin and crusty supreme.
They sent me Diana Ross.

Wife says to her hubby, 'you never take me anywhere expensive anymore.'
He says, 'alright, get your coat on.'
She says, 'why, where are we going?'
He says, 'to the petrol station.'

A woman presents herself at the doctors and there's a piece of lettuce hanging out the top of her knickers.
The doc says, 'that looks nasty.'
She says, 'it's just the tip of the iceberg.'

[Minimalist]

[ignoramus]

very true on many levels Min...

[Haipule]

I'm an optician with PGAD: "Bill, your last patient had beautiful eyes, What color were they?" 34C

[Minimalist]

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Watson, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) 

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. 
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

[Haipule]

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Watson, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) 

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. 
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Why is it Miley Cyrus can pose nude with a sledgehammer and people call in "art" or "edgy"? When I try the same thing at Home Depot I get banned for life!

[Brian37]

Why is it Miley Cyrus can pose nude with a sledgehammer and people call in "art" or "edgy"? When I try the same thing at Home Depot I get banned for life!

Even without nudity, it is the same thing people like the smile of Angelina Jolie, but if I smile, missing teeth, people wonder if I was an actor in the movie "Deliverance".