joke time

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Me: I’ll have the sloppy joe, please.

Wife: You idiot. This is a posh restaurant.

Me: Right, sorry. I’ll have the disheveled joseph, please.

Waiter: Excellent choice, sir.

Boru

[Darinda]

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

Remind me of:

Her: I thought you were going to start counting your calories.

Me: I am. When I finish these chocolate-covered pork chops, I’ll have 11 492 for today.

Boru

[A. Secular Human]

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

Yikes!  Especially a problem if they're "special" brownies.  Breathe deep!

[Darinda]

Two elderly couples are having a nice night in.

“Hey Jimmy, you been going to some fancy sessions at that private clinic I hear!” says one disdainfully of the other

“Yes,” says Jimmy, “they use all the latest memory retrieving techniques, – visualization, association – that kind of thing.”

“Pah!” says his old pal, “mumbo jumbo.”

“No I swear it works!” says Jimmy.

“Okay, tell me the name of the clinic then?” his pal challenges him.

“Oh now, the name of the clinic, let me see…” his mind goes blank for a while, “now, ah, GOT IT! What’s that flower you get, very perfumed, with a thorny stem?”

“A rose?”

“That’s it!” he turns to his wife, “Hey Rose, what was the name of that clinic?”

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Ophelia: Babe, I need you to come over.

Hamlet: Can't right now. I'm hiding a body.

Ophelia: But my father has gone missing!

Hamlet: I know.

Boru

[The Valkyrie]

Cyclops, doing a crossword, "How do you spell Hawaii?"

Wife, "You need two i's."

Cyclops, in tears, "My life is just a big joke to you, isn't it, Linda?"

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

European Out-Of-Office: 'I'm away on a hiking/camping holiday for the summer. You can email me back in September.'

American Out-Of-Office: 'I have left the office for two hours to undergo emergency kidney surgery, but you can reach me on my cell at any time.'

Boru

[Fireball]

European Out-Of-Office: 'I'm away on a hiking/camping holiday for the summer. You can email me back in September.'

American Out-Of-Office: 'I have left the office for two hours to undergo emergency kidney surgery, but you can reach me on my cell at any time.'

Boru

A lot of people are carrying the load for other people. When I was still working, I wasn't just burning the candle at both ends, I broke it in half so that I could double my output. I retired at 62, and am pretty sure that if I had waited to 65, I wouldn't have made it. It was about 1.5 years before I recovered some sense of well-being (now I'm 69). There were 3 people doing what I used to do, after I retired.

[Darinda]

If Chuck Norris were president, he would protect the secret service.