joke time

[The Valkyrie]

I serviced my car yesterday.

I couldn't get the brakes to work so I made the horn louder.

[onlinebiker]

My car - the horn is broken.


Watch for middle finger...

[The Valkyrie]

If a drummer comes out of retirement will there be repercussions?

[Darinda]

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, “Your mom’s the best lay in town!”

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, “I just screwed your mom, and it was sweet!”
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, “Your mom liked it!”

Finally the guy interrupts. “Go home, Dad. You’re drunk!”

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

No one wants to listen to Whitesnake with me anymore, so here I go again on my own.

Boru

[The Valkyrie]

I visited a friend over the weekend.

They told me to make myself at home.

So I got a beer from their fridge, rearranged the furniture, and yelled at their kids.

[The Valkyrie]

A little girl leaves school and is walking home when a car pulls up next to her.

"Would you like a ride?, asks the driver.

"Nope!" replies the little girl and keeps walking.

The car pulls away, goes around the block, and pulls up next to her again. This time the driver opens the door.

"Are you sure you don't want a ride?", he asks.

"Nope!", she says, and keeps walking.

Again, the car pulls away, drives around the block, and pulls up next to her.

"I'll give you a sweety if you get in!", says the driver with a wink.

The little girl stops, turns to the driver and says, "Look, Dad. You bought the LADA, you ride in the bloody thing!"

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

I was applying for Australian citizenship. The interviewer asked, ‘Do you have a criminal record?’ I said, ‘No - is that still required?’

Boru

[The Valkyrie]

Him, "If I leave you for another woman, would you feel sorry?"

Me, "I don't even know her. Why would I feel sorry for her?"

[Darinda]

A sailor and a pirate walk into a bar. They sit down next to each other, get to talking and their chat soon turns to their sea adventures. The sailor tells of his days fighting wars with the Navy, and the pirate tells of robbing ships and killing his enemies with the other pirates.

The sailor notices that the pirate has an eyepatch, a hook and a peg leg and asks, “How did you get the peg leg?” The pirate replies, “When I was thrown off my ship and floated for two days until my crew rescued me, my leg was bitten off by a shark as I was being pulled out of the water.”
The sailor, impressed, says, “Wow. That’s very exciting. But how about the hook?” The pirate smiles, shining the hook a bit, “When I was swordfighting with a pirate from our enemy ship for treasure, he took it right off.” The sailor’s eyes were wide with awe at how badass this pirate was, and he asked, How did you get the eyepatch?” “Well,”says the pirate, shifting in his seat a bit, “a seagull pooed in my eye.” The seaman looks puzzled: “You lost an eye from gull poo?”
The pirate sighed and shook his head. “It was my first day with the hook.”