joke time

[The Valkyrie]

Imagine trying to relax by looking up some BBC, but getting British news instead.

Three blsck women were comparing their husbands.

One said, "I call my man Long John, because he's got a looonng john!"

The second said, "I call my man Big Dick, 'cos he's got a BIG dick!"

The third says, "I call my man Champaign!"

It's quiet for a moment and then one asked, "Ain't that a fancy liquor?"

The third smiles and says, "Yeah!"

[Paraselene]

I have killed countless parents, sparing their sons to my eventual disappointment.

None of those boys grew up to be Batman.

[Darinda]

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?
“Sure do,” replied the bartender.
“Good,” said the man. “Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my gator.”

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

I was going to tell a time travel joke, but none of you liked it.

Boru

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

A man sees a notice in the window of a restaurant saying, ‘If You Order It And We Don’t It, You Win One Million Dollars.’

Intrigued, the man goes in, gets his table and tells the waiter, ‘I’d like a bowl of white rhinoceros stew, please.’  The waiter disappears into the kitchen and comes back in a few minutes with a steaming dish of white rhino stew. Disappointed, the man finishes his meal (which is quite tasty) and leaves.

He return the next day and says, ‘I’d like a roasted Portuguese Man of War, stuffed with boiled army ants, with a side of pickled penguin tongues, please.’ Sure enough, the waiter is back in jig time with the customer’s meal, exactly as ordered. Irate at losing out a second time, the man finishes his meal (again, very yummy), and leaves in a huff.

Desperate to win, the man returns the next day and tells the waiter, ‘Please bring me a grilled mermaid breast sandwich on rye bread.’ Once more, the waiter trundles off to the kitchen and comes back with two duffel bags stuffed with cash. ‘Congratulations, sir! Here’s your million dollars.’


‘Ah ha!’ says the man. ‘I KNEW you wouldn’t have mermaid breast!’

‘Oh, we have that. You just caught us on a day when we’re out of rye bread.’

Boru

[Darinda]

Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish are out walking along the beach together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. “I will give you each one wish, that’s three wishes in total,” says the Genie.
The Scottish guy says, “I am a fisherman, my Dad’s a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity.”
So, with a blink of the Genie’s eye “poof” the oceans were teaming with fish.
The Englishman was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity.”
Again, with a blink of the Genie’s eye “poof” there was a huge wall around England.
The Irishman asks, “I’m very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.”
The Genie explains, “Well, it’s about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out.”
The Irishman says, “Fill it up with water.”

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

If you ever get the chance to steal one of these, 


do it. It’s a whisk worth taking.

Boru

[Mister Agenda]

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me, too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”

[A. Secular Human]

If you ever get the chance to steal one of these, 


do it. It’s a whisk worth taking.

Boru

The handle looks...interesting...

[Darinda]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous woman about the same age.

The circus owner tells them: I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?”

The girl says, “I’ll go first.” She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner’s mouth is on the floor. He says, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life,” He then turns to the young man and asks, “can you top that?”

The young man replies. “No problem, just get that lion out of the way.”