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joke time
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I put my phone under my pillow when I went to sleep last night.
I wake up and there's a $1 coin there instead. Fucking BlueTooth Fairy!! Playing Cluedo with my mum while I was at Uni: "You did WHAT? With WHO? WHERE???" 
Me: ‘Hey, Siri?’
Siri: *audible sigh* Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
How do you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist?
Ask them to pronounced ‘unionized’. Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
I slipped my finger inside her hole and I could feel her getting wetter and wetter. I pulled my finger out and within seconds, she was going down on me.
Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
What do tofu and dildos have in common?
Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
Donald Trump, Elon Musk, and JD Vance were on a private jet together. JD Vance says, "If I throw a $1,000 bill out the window, it will make one person very happy!"
Trump says, "If I throw ten $100 bills out the window, I'd make ten people very happy." Elon Musk says, "If I throw a thousand $100.00 bills out the window, I'd make a thousand people very happy!" The pilot, who overheard them talking about making people happy with their money leaned over and whispered to this copilot, "If I threw all three of them out of this plane it would make over 70 million people VERY HAPPY!"
What fresh hell can this be? - Dorothy Parker
Update version of a joke that's been around for yonks:
'If you were in a room with JD Vance, Elon Musk, and Donald Trump but you had only two bullets in your gun, what would you do?' 'Shoot Trump twice.' Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
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