joke time

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Fella's about to enter a pub in west Belfast, when a nun accosts him and says, 'Before you go into this den of iniquity, think of your mother and father!'

'They're both dead and in Heaven, sister,' says the man and moves again to enter the pub.

'Then at least think of the damage the alcohol is going to do to your brain!' says the nun.

The man pauses and says, 'Sister, have you ever taken a drink? No? Then clearly, you shouldn't pass judgment on what you don't know about. I'll dicker ye a fair dicker - I'll go in, buy you a drink and bring it out here for you. You drink it. If you don't like it, then you can declare against the evils of drink. Fair enough?'

The nun hesitates a bit and stammers, 'Well, I-I suppose that's reasonable enough. Erm...what do ladies usually order in places like this?

'Gin, as a rule,' says the man.

'Oh, very well,' snaps the nun. 'Go in and get me a gin. But,' she says, lowering her voice to a whisper, 'have them put it in a teacup, so no one will know.'

The fella enter the pub at last, walks straight up to the barman and says, 'Afternoon, Jimmy. Give us a pint of Bass and a double gin in a teacup.'

'Fuxxake,' says the barman, 'is that bloody nun out there again?'

Boru

[C4RM5]

Im guessing your from around Ireland Boru

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Im guessing your from around Ireland Boru

Spot on. Bred and buttered on a farm near Ballymena, went to school in Belfast (and later Dublin), then emigrated to New Zealand 6 years ago.

Boru

[C4RM5]

Ahh well I am currently live around Lurgan.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Small world. My Da was born in Keady.

Boru

[Cyberman]

Interesting fact:

If you laid out all the bibles and kerrang in the world, they would make a wall ten feet high going right around the Earth.

Then all the Christians and Muslims could fuck off behind it and leave the rest of us in peace.

[Cyberman]

How do you fit one hundred police officers into a 'phone box?

Make one into a sergeant, then the rest of them will crawl up his arse.

[C4RM5]

Mary accompanied her husband, Paddy, to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called Mary into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, no nagging. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think Paddy will regain his health completely."

On the way home, Paddy asked Mary. "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

[Cyberman]

Microsoft has issued a warning:

If you receive an email with a youtube attachment purporting to be a One Direction video, whatever you do, do not open it.

It contains a One Direction video.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Sister Mary spent a restless night in her room at the convent, and woke up in rather a grumpy mood. She had no sooner dressed and entered the corridor when another nun said, 'My, it looks like someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.'

Barely a minute later, another nun said, in passing, 'My, it looks like someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.' The goes on and on - seventeen or eighteen times, someone tells her, 'My, it looks like someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.'

Sister Mary's just about had enough, when Mother Superior approaches her and starts to speak. Sister Mary interrupts with, 'With all due respect, Holy Mother, PLEASE don't tell me I got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.'

'I wasn't going to say that at all,' replies Mother Superior. 'I was simply going ask why you're wearing the bishop's shoes.'

Boru