Weird things theists have told you

[Strider]

What are some of the weirdest, most bizarre statements a theist has made to you? I'll get this ball rolling.

I used to date an extremely religious girl (make your own assumptions as to how that worked out), and we went to see the movie Splice with a friend of mine. I'll let you do a search on the film rather than explain it, but suffice to say it's a strange sci-fi flick. Really strange actually. Anyway, this girl cries after the movie because she felt like she had committed some sort of offense toward god for watching what she described as the filth and debauchery in the movie. I mean, the movie was weird - really weird - but filth and debauchery is a vast overreaction. It was insane. I didn't know what the fuck to say. "It was just a movie," and other sentiments fell on deaf ears.

I have another involving my twelve-year-old nephew. About a month or so ago, he killed a deer and my brother called me to help drag it out of the woods. I drove over to where they were at and the kid starts talking about how he shot and missed the first time but hit the deer on the next shot. He then made one of the weirdest, creepiest statements I've heard in a while:

"I missed it the first time, but God gave me a second chance and I took its life!"

Fucking. Creepy.

[vorlon13]

Praising Jesus for all manner of inconsequential BS. Winning $5 lottery ticket, making it to work on time, finding a sale price on something, etc.

My brother in law wouldn't shut up when saying grace before meals; job, house, banging my sister, being saved, on and on, meanwhile the food got cold.

[abaris]

My brother in law wouldn't shut up when saying grace before meals; job, house, banging my sister, being saved, on and on, meanwhile the food got cold.

That has to be one of the most annoying traditions ever. Never once experienced it personally, not even with christians.

I don't even have a story to share, since outside the internet I never encountered annoying theists. If the internet counts, it's pretty much what went on these last days, like defending slavery and torture.

[Kitty Galore]

First thing that comes to mind is with a co worker. We were listening to an oldies station, and "Spirit In the Sky" came on. There is a line where he says something to the effect of "I'm not a sinner, I haven't sinned, gotta have a friend in Jesus". She took the I am not a sinner thing and went on a rant that lasted almost all day. I hated it when they played that song.

[abaris]

I hated it when they played that song.

Has a nice rhythm though.

[Nope]

When I was younger, the military often sent my husband away which meant that I was left to care for young children alone. Shyness means that I don't make friends until after I have been in a new place for a long time. There were times when I felt alone except for religion. Unfortunately, when I told other mothers that I prayed for strength or wisdom or patience, I was often told not to pray for those things. God, would send me tribulations to make me have these attributes. It used to frustrate me because if someone believes their god can read minds then it shouldn't matter what words you use, that god should understand the concepts you are trying to express. It gave me this weird mental image of god hanging out in heaven saying, "Fuck that bitch. She dared ask for patience so she wouldn't yell at her kids? I am sending her a few hard times to teach her ass patience."


It used to drive me crazy when my religious friends would thank god for silly things like finding a parking space or their football team winning. Really, if your god is too busy to help someone starving, he shouldn't be worried if your team goes to the super bowl.

[robvalue]

Luckily I haven't had any major dealings with nutcases.

I think the most annoying thing, as has been noted, is the arrogance of people. They think that there's a God in charge of this whole universe, but that they are so important that god comes down to give them some mild fortune.

I was playing indoor bowls with my neighbour at the local club. I was on his team and we won by quite a bit that day. As it was his birthday, he said, "I think him up there was looking out for me on my birthday."

As well as annoying, it's frustrating to see people give away credit for their own accomplishments. I know this wasn't exactly a huge deal, but I've heard similar things often.

[KevinM1]

When I was a student at UNH, I had other students help me get from class to class (mainly just to open doors, press elevator buttons, that sort of thing). One of them was an incredibly religious young woman. She was sweet, but 100% brainwashed. She was engaged, but had never even held hands with the guy she was supposed to marry. They never kissed, nothing. She was absolutely convinced that even the slightest physical expression of their love would lead to them molesting each other then and there, which would be a huge sin and preclude them from having a happy, holy marriage.

My reaction was a befuddled, "...are you fucking kidding me?"

[The Valkyrie]

Actual conversation I had a few years ago:

"I pay 10% of my income to the church and now the want more. I have to sell stuff to pay the extra. I can't afford that."

"Then stop going."

"I can't. It's my church."

"Join another church."

"I can't, there's only one church."

"Then live with your choices."

"But it's not fair and I can't afford it."

"!"

[Mister Agenda]

Coworker took a nap in her car. God sent her a breeze to wake her up in time to get back to work before she'd have been late.