Have a good religion joke?

[Thor]

I love a good religion joke. If you have a good one please post it here!

I'll start off:

Jesus walks into an inn, tosses three nails on the counter and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"

[tavarish]

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.

Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.

Nun: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold.

Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.

Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.

Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own blanket.

---

God looks down and notices that Adam is all alone while all the animals have companions, so he decides to create a companion for man as well. He comes to see Adam and says to him, "Adam, you are my greatest creation and therefore, I am going to create for you the ultimate companion. She will worship the very ground you walk on, she will long for you and no other, she will be highly intelligent, she will wait on you hand and foot and obey your every command, she will be beautiful, and all it will cost you is an arm and a leg." Thinking for a few moments, Adam replies, "What could I get for a rib?"

---

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"

Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"

The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."

The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"

---

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

---

A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.

So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.

The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"

[leo-rcc]

A grandmother is watching her grandchild play at the beach, when a huge wave comes and takes the kid out to sea. She pleads "Dear God, save my only grandson, I beg of you, please bring him back."

A big wave comes and washes the boy back on the shore, good as new.

The grandmother looks up to heaven and says "He had a hat!"

---

Jews don't recognize Jesus
Protestants don't recognize the pope
Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.

[tavarish]

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"

"Religious."

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"

To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

[Thor]

Jesus is hanging on the cross with his disciples gathered around. Jesus moans out, "Paul... Paul..."

"Yes, my lord?"

Jesus moans, "Paul... Paul..."

Paul cries out, "I am here, my lord!"

Jesus moans, "Come closer... come closer..."

Paul rushes to the bottom of the cross.

"Yes, my lord! What is it?"

Jesus says, "I can see your house from up here."

[Dotard]

We already have a jokes thread. All this should be in there.

But what the hell..........

Why don't baptist fuck standing up?

They don't want people to think they're dancing.

---

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly and he sees them. He hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is already in there.

The little boy says, "dark in here."

The man says, "yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My Dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250"

Man: "Deal!"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, How much?"

Boy: "$750"

Man: "Sold."

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy: "$1,000"

The Dad says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that; that is way, way more than those things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession."

They go to the church and Dad makes the boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now!"

---

One Sunday afternoon an old drunk stumbles across a baptismal service down by the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and stands next to the preacher. The minister notices the old drunk and says, "mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am."

The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.

"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks."Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo Preacher, I have not!"

The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone, "My good man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

---

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now."

"Yes, I remember him as a baby," says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now," the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear," says the other.

"And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21."

"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born."

"He's a martyr too," says the mother quietly.

"Oh, gracious me," says the other.

"And this is my third son, my baby, my beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18, she whispers.

"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."

"He's a martyr also," says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says;

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[Thor]

A priest tells his congregation that he had a dream, and in that dream the Lord told him to heal people at the Sunday service. So the priest calls out to the parishioners that anyone with a disease or infirmity should step forward to be healed! One man hobbles forward on crutches. He says to the priest, "My name is Steve and I've had to use crutches ever since I was in an accident ten years ago. I just want to get rid of these crutches and walk like a normal person again."

The priest welcomes Steve and tells him to stand behind the curtain to the rear of the altar.

Another man comes forward. He says, "My name ith Emmitt, and people waff at me becauthe I tawk thith way. I want to jutht tawk wike a normal perthon!"

The priest welcomes Emmitt and directs him to stand with Steve behind the curtain.

No one else comes forward, so the priest kneels in front of the altar and prays for these people to be cured. He prays and prays... finally, he stands up and says, "Steve! Throw away your crutches!"

One crutch comes sailing from behind the curtain.

"Emmitt! Speak to me, Emmitt!"

Not a sound.

The priest feels the healing is almost complete. He just needs to pray a little more. He gets back down on his knees and prays real hard! He prays and prays... Finally, he rises. The priest booms, "Steve! Throw away your crutches!"

The second crutch comes sailing from behind the curtain.

"Emmitt! Speak to me, Emmitt! Say something! Anything!"

Emmitt's voice clearly rings through the church, "Thteve fewl down!"

[AngelaRachnid]

St Peter is out walking on the clouds one day and spots god sitting on the edge of one looking a bit down, So Peter being the helpful chap goes over to see if he can assit, and finds that god cannot decide where to go on his holidays. so offers some help;

Peter: "how about venus ?"
God: "naw to hot"
Peter: "Ok Saturn?"
God: "naw the rings give me a headache"
Peter: "Mars?"
God: "to cold"
Peter: "I know what about earth, you haven't been there in a while?"
God: " KNOW WAY, last time i went there i got some bitch knocked up and the bastards are still talking about it"

[Watson]

Forgive me if this is not how this one goes, I can't find the book it was originally in...

A man in the hospital is informed by his doctor that he only has a short while to live; he is dying of cancer. The man is grief stricken for a while, but eventually accepts this, at which point a local clergyman enters the hospital room and asks if he would be willing to donate to the church.

The man says "What is the donation for?" The clergyman tells him that it is for a beautiful mosaic being created, and that the dying man can even decide what should be written on it! The man agrees, and a doctor enters.

The dying man is told how much the hospital is charging his famiyl for medical bills after his death. The man is astonished, and asks the clergyman how much the donation will have to be. it is extremely high, as well. The man looks at the clergyman and says,

"I've decided what I want written on that mosaic of yours."

The clergyman asks him what it is he would like, and the man replies, "In memory of *insert the name here*, who died like Christ. Between two thieves."

Aaah, gotta love Kurt Vonnegut.

[Thor]

A man goes to his priest and asks if the church can conduct a funeral for his recently deceased dog. The priest is aghast. "Why, we could never allow the sanctity of the church to be sullied by conducting funerals for dogs! That's outrageous! How could you even ask us to do such a thing?"

The man is embarrassed and looks down. "Forgive me, father. I didn't realize the church was so opposed to such a thing. But just so you know, I wasn't expecting the church to do it for nothing. I was going to donate $10,000 for the service."

The priest's face lights up, "Well, now! You didn't tell me the dog was Catholic!"