Secular Funeral

[Jenny A]

I have never been to an atheist funeral or even a secular one before. But my father died last night, and brother and I now have one to plan.

Bro and I are both atheist and my father though he was very actively Christian until his forties (went to seminary), has neither been to church nor discussed god in the last thirty-five years or so. He has adamantly refused pastoral visits of any kind during hospital stays. There will be no other relatives at the funeral beyond bro and my immediate families (also atheist) except Dad's ex-wife who is also a-religious, though not necessarily atheist. So we don't want god-talk intruding to the extent we can avoid it. But we aren't interesting in making this an anti-theist event either. This is a memorial and should feel welcoming to everyone who attends.

Our initial thoughts were to use a funeral home and have a short opening welcome and moment of silence. Then some music that Dad loved (60's folk or Simon and Garfunkel). Then a chance for several people who knew him well to speak about him a few minutes (we'll schedule those in advance). More music and a brief closing. All followed by a reception line leading straight to a buffet.

Does anyone have any experience, or just ideas about how to handle this?

[dyresand]

I'm sorry for your loss and i really never been to a secular funeral before.. only the theist godly ones..

[abaris]

Sorry for your loss.

Sadly I haven't got any experience with secular funerals either, but your plan sounds great. Just be aware that the people attending are the unknown factor in all this. Naturally I don't know about your invitation list, but someone might feel compelled to smuggle god in.

[Minimalist]

My condolences, Jenny.

Most funeral homes should have a plan which can accommodate your wishes. It is a service business. Speak to the director.

[The Grand Nudger]

If your dad liked music and buffets, and the people at the funeral liked your dad....sounds like you already have an excellent plan. Didn't even play music when my dad died. We said our peace, and then went to a BBQ joint while he was cremated. I went back later for his ashes and gave them to my little sister (his first natural child). Everybody had as good a time as could be expected. Even managed a laugh or two.

Sorry for your loss.

[Faith No More]

Oh, wow, I'm sorry for your loss, and I hope you cope with your grief well.

My friend's relgious parents were nice enough to hold a non-religious memorial, because he was non-religious(although they kind of went against him by holding a memorial, because he had always said that he wouldn't want a funeral). It was basically just an honoring of his memory, and several people went up and we talked about who our friend was and his affect on our lives. It was extremely simple, no pomp and flair, and the only mention about a better place was the youth pastor that my friend's parents asked to speak, which if that made them feel better, that's fine with me.

[Strider]

I'm sorry to hear that you have lost your dad.

I have never been to a secular funeral, but what you described sounds like a good way to remember your father. Getting friends and family to recount stories of your dad is a great way to remind everybody about the good times and the type of person he was. You're on the right path with that idea. You could also speak to a Unitarian Universalist minister about officiating and see what you think. The ones I am familiar with are intelligent, thoughtful people that would speak about the preciousness of life and such without forcing a dogmatic message that takes the focus off of the deceased and heaps praise on gawd/lord jeebus.

Again, my condolences.

[Brakeman]

My sincerest condolences too Jen!

I would remind your family that your father very much continues to live through the DNA in your veins and the shared memories in your family.

[Phronz]

Sorry to hear that. My grandfather was an atheist, and when he died we threw a party (at his request). He said, and I quote, "Get drunk, dance, just don't fucking cry over me." So maybe throw a party/celebration of his life?

[JuliaL]

I have never been to an atheist funeral or even a secular one before. But my father died last night, and brother and I now have one to plan.

Our initial thoughts were to use a funeral home and have a short opening welcome and moment of silence. Then some music that Dad loved (60's folk or Simon and Garfunkel). Then a chance for several people who knew him well to speak about him a few minutes (we'll schedule those in advance). More music and a brief closing. All followed by a reception line leading straight to a buffet.

Does anyone have any experience, or just ideas about how to handle this?

That worked for us. My Dad died 7 years ago.
We had a nice get together in the Unitarian Universalist church where he had attended. Several speakers from his life and interests got up and said nice things without any mysticism at all. All that was followed by a dinner in a cafeteria where we children had set up some displays commemorating his achievements at work and otherwise.
Only us kids had attended his last moments in the assisted living facility. My sister the doctor and I were there at the last because our brother had stepped out just a minute, for what I don't remember. We did have a hospice person in earlier but none of us really needed their help and Dad wasn't really there. We were pretty firm that no clerics need attend. Dad wasn't anti-theist, but he never showed any indication of believing in anything other than reality. If anything, he was a full bore 200% humanist and very engaged in bettering humankind, particularly the downtrodden. Gave lots of $$$ to the Southern Poverty Law Center and Klanwatch. We're really proud that the government kept files on him.
No crying that I remember.
Death sucks, but fear of death sucks more.