Find Your Child A Mate

[Drich]

Not a big fan of people described in the OP, yet I won't throw stones. Why? Because those who's sin of choice is sexual in nature may need the structure this type of courting offers. It would be like making fun of a 12 stepping recovering addict or drunk for going to meeting. Sure I don't have to goto meeting to not drink or do drugs, but not everyone can say that. Like wise not everyone has the were with all to date responsibly, and may need structure and clear headed thought from a outside third party that I myself do not need.

Who am I to point out another's weekness?

[vorlon13]

Wish my folks had fixed me up with Danny . . .


[grumble, grumble, grumble]

[Nope]

Not a big fan of people described in the OP, yet I won't throw stones. Why? Because those who's sin of choice is sexual in nature may need the structure this type of courting offers. It would be like making fun of a 12 stepping recovering addict or drunk for going to meeting. Sure I don't have to goto meeting to not drink or do drugs, but not everyone can say that. Like wise not everyone has the were with all to date responsibly, and may need structure and clear headed thought from a outside third party that I myself do not need.

Who am I to point out another's weekness?

I am glad that you answered, Drich. Even though I disagree with you on most issues, at least you show more willingness to answer questions that other Christians avoid. I have noticed also that after you answer a question, other religious members suddenly flock to that thread.

Even if I agreed(and I don't) that sexual activity between consenting adults or consenting adolescents is wrong, the way that this movement tries to cure the problem does more harm than good. How does a young person go from never allowing themselves to have a sexual thought to suddenly having a fulfilling sex life with their spouse? A girl who has never allowed herself to fantasize about sex without guilt, much less masturbated, isn't going to be able to help her equally inexperienced husband find her clitorius. I suppose they could read books but maybe they will simply accept that sex is supposed to be a somewhat boring event so they won't know anything is wrong.

There are a few sites run by people who have escaped this mindset. Many remain Christian. They point out problems with this sort of thinking that include divorce and young people who never marry because they are terrified to take the risk and get to know someone romantically.

Here is a link to an article written by a former Stay at Home Daughter(another google search for those who are interested). She left the lifestyle. The comments under her article are interesting

http://rachelheldevans.com/blog/samantha...-daughters

[Losty]

What an utter complete load of bollocks. These people are messed up in the head. I had no idea this kind of thing was going on among christians.

To be fair, this extreme thinking if found mainly among fundamentalists but it is still weird that people in a modern western country encourage fathers' to actively find a spouse for their daughters without much input from her. I've read some sites where the girl was not even told the man expressed interest until after the dad decided they could get married. The writers of those sites usually assure their readers that the daughters can say no to the suitor but she really hasn't been taught to think for herself.

Courtship is popular among some conservative Christians but it isn't really arranged marriage. They believe that courtship is dating that leads to marriage so casual dating just for fun is discouraged. The dad has less control in this type of courtship. The conservatives in the US seem to actively court crazy so I have no idea if this will become popular among them but it isn't out of the realm of possibility.

Ahhh courtship. I was never interested in courting. My parents loved that. They would say "a woman's heart should be so close to God, that a man must seek God in order to find her". I still have no idea what that means or how that could even work. Anyways, I think my parents were planning on trying to at least have a very strong influence on who I married, I was planning on going off to college and never coming back except for short visits. Marriage wasn't for me. Obviously that didn't work out for me.
This kind of parenting, not just the courting and attempted (whether successful or not) arranged marriages but everything that generally comes along with it, is dangerous and harmful to both girls and boys. It's disgusting and it causes problems in their adult lives. Secret young men's groups for the the newlywed fundies to try and support each other as they've suddenly gone from "if you think about her pussy you're a monster" to "put a baby in that uterus, boy" and they feel dirty and ashamed. The same is for newlywed women, but I haven't heard about as many groups discussing this stuff. I'm sure some do but it seems more shameful for women to talk about sex.

[Nope]

Here are a few interesting links about Stay at Home Daughters. SHDs are linked in with the fundamentalist purity movement, courtship and arranged marriages. Daughters are supposed to look to their fathers for everything. The first link discusses a 31 year old woman who lists her jobs as pinterest and who asks her dad to approve her outfit every morning. It sounds too cartoony to be real but it is true. Thankfully, I don't ever see this group getting too large. When you have a large number of kids with only one parent working who are homeschooled by a mom who was also homeschooled, you end up with a growing number of uneducated poor people who will eventually leave that mindset for something better.

https://homeschoolersanonymous.wordpress...rs-by-lea/

The next link is a young person's blog who is still a Stay at Home Daughter. I do not know how old she is so I don't want to mock her. She might be an adolescent. Her site gives a justification for the black and white gender roles that she has been taught.

http://anoblecallingblog.blogspot.com/20...women.html

You see, God created us with such a spectacular purpose when it comes to being a helper. We are to help our husbands bring glory and honor to the Lord God Almighty. There is nothing inferior, less than valuable or unimportant about that. You are bringing glory to God by being a helper. And if you are unmarried, it is so important to understand the high value of this role of helper.

Ironically, one way girls are kept in this mindset is that it is highly romanticized. They believe that they are somehow doing a great deed by keeping a clean house and waiting for a perfect husband to drop into their waiting laps. It is very sad.

And here is the same young lady's description of submission. This is very heart breaking.

http://anoblecallingblog.blogspot.com/20...beads.html

God created submission to be much like a chain of beads. There is distinct order and design. God is a God of order and each person in His plan for submission is like a bead. God is at the top, Jesus is next, the husband comes after, then the wife, and last the children. If you were to pull out or remove any of these “beads” then God’s plan for submission would fall apart and He would dishonored.
God did not create submission to keep you from the fun things in life or to make you miserable. Many women think that only they are to be in submission, however, men are to be in submission to Christ. That’s the way God made it to be. Submission was created to protect you. When you step out of the order of submission according to God’s Holy Word, you have ripped God’s source of protection from you.

[Losty]

I wonder if these parents saw the very real danger they may be putting their daughters in by teaching them to be blindly submissive to their husbands, if that would change anything. It obviously changed nothing for my parents as they watched my marriage and still encouraged my submission to my exhusband. I just have to hope that my parents are the minority even among fundies. I can't wrap my mind around a person thinking it's okay to watch their child being abused and tell her that it's her lot in life and she must endure or go to hell.

[Chad32]

Religion often overrides parental insticts to protect their children. Christianity really does tear families apart. Thanks Jesus!

[dyresand]

Religion often overrides parental insticts to protect their children. Christianity really does tear families apart. Thanks Jesus!

Remember now this is the same religion that has justifications for pretty much anything and everything.

[Surgenator]

I wonder if these parents saw the very real danger they may be putting their daughters in by teaching them to be blindly submissive to their husbands, if that would change anything.

My wife's friend got divorced from an arranged marriage. The husband was an abusive fuck. She is pakistani where arranged marriages are a lot more common. I can answer some of the questions with this one anecdotal evidence.
1) Do they take the woman's happiness into question? Yes, but the focus is if the families would be happier if joined. The woman's happiness is secondary.
2) Do they encourage blind submissiveness? Yes. My wife's friend showed bruise marks to her parents only to be repaid with, "what did you do to upset him so much?"
3) What are the repercussions after a divorce? She was forced to move back with her parents with her child. The larger family see her as a tainted and avoid any contact with her. Her parents always encouraged to get back together with her abusive ex-husband.

Thankfully, she moved out of her parents and is doing a lot better.

[Losty]

I wonder if these parents saw the very real danger they may be putting their daughters in by teaching them to be blindly submissive to their husbands, if that would change anything.

My wife's friend got divorced from an arranged marriage. The husband was an abusive fuck. She is pakistani where arranged marriages are a lot more common. I can answer some of the questions with this one anecdotal evidence.
1) Do they take the woman's happiness into question? Yes, but the focus is if the families would be happier if joined. The woman's happiness is secondary.
2) Do they encourage blind submissiveness? Yes. My wife's friend showed bruise marks to her parents only to be repaid with, "what did you do to upset him so much?"
3) What are the repercussions after a divorce? She was forced to move back with her parents with her child. The larger family see her as a tainted and avoid any contact with her. Her parents always encouraged to get back together with her abusive ex-husband.

Thankfully, she moved out of her parents and is doing a lot better.

People think that Muslims are so much worse than Christian fundamentalists. I don't know if I can agree. Let me see if I can compare my situation to your wife's friend.

I wasn't actually in an arranged marriage per say, no one cared about the 2 families joining. I was 16 when a 25 year old youth pastor slowly gently took my virginity in dark church during a teenage lock-in. I kept begging him to stop, but I didn't fight him. I was crying and saying it was wrong, but I didn't fight him. He confessed our sin to my parents and they insisted on marriage.

1) Did they take my happiness into account- they thought that securing my eternal soul was more important than my happiness on earth. They assured me that if I was a faithful wife, god would teach me to be happy in my marriage.
2) Did they encourage blind submissiveness? Yes, not only did I show my parents bruises, but I lost a pregnancy after a particularly harsh beating, and ultimately left my ex after he stabbed me when I was pregnant with our youngest child. I actually very timidly (I was fucking terrified), asked in a meeting with my ex and a marriage counselor (read as church elder posing as a marriage counselor) what I should do if I felt like my husband was raping me (he definitely was but I didn't want to be accusatory). He told me I should do whatever it takes to help my husband avoid adultery and pornography and that it was a shame that I would complain about my duties as a wife when my husband took such good care of me.
3)repercussions after divorce? I eventually had to run away and cut off all contact with everyone I knew because my family wouldn't stop trying to make me get back with my exhusband. They would go as far as threatening and black mailing me.

In America we are trained to believe that Islam is worse than Christianity at any and all levels. Muslims are more in the open and perhaps there are more of them, but Christian fundamentalism is pretty fucked up too. People try to turn a blind eye to it because it's hard to look at and we don't think it's our place to intervene. I disagree. What these people do to their children is wrong and it shouldn't be allowed. Not in any country or under any religious mask.