In Our Overly Rational But Not Unemotional House. . .

[Jenny A]

My husband and I don't always agree (go figure) but when I play back our discussions in my head, I find them odd. We try to both be good to one another and keep our discussions rational rather than angry. Do other people talk like this?

It really only emotion on my part, but I really want. . .

Yes, I know I told you while I was hugging you, but I really meant the hug, and yes I know a hug is not a reason.

I'm right, but we won't do it unless it feels good to you too.

This really matters to me and I have no rational reason for it, but can we. . .?

We're house/lot looking, and these sentences are getting more common. Where and in what space we want to live is largely and emotional thing. What makes financial sense is not.

Yes, I know we're odd. Are there other odd people out there?

[Thumpalumpacus]

I like relationships where both emotion and reason have a place at the table. Is it odd? Sure. But weird is good.

[JuliaL]

The squishy bits don't fire in a qualitatively different way when expressing reason or emotion. I choose to think that reason is a sometimes effective method of constraining emotion.
Recognizing that leads to at least an internal conversation of the sort you describe.
I'd say verbalizing the same with your SO is very self aware and exceptionally insightful. You can exchange views and build a bonded structure more informed and resilient than two isolated constructions. Fewer ignorant misunderstandings.
I don't find it odd at all.
In my marriage, to a Lutheran, we don't have arguments; we have vigorous discussions; not always as rational and sensible as your examples. I have noticed that these discussions cause mental distress to the offspring. That makes sense to me in that they are invested (will be better off if mom and dad get along) in our pair bonding. Understanding this does not at all reduce the discomfort I feel at their distress. That feedback loop does tend to damp down some of the excesses.

[Nope]

It sounds like you have a very lovely marriage, Jenny and have figured out how to communicate well. That is wonderful.

When I first married my husband, we had both come from dysfunctional families where a lot of communication involved anger or one person trying to dominate the other. It took us a long time to learn something as basic as how to argue with one another. Now, we rarely argue but I wish that we had been less emotionally driven when we were younger.

[Faith No More]

That's different from my marriage. My wife and I are actually quite emotional people, and I'm never as calm and rational as I would like to be in our arguments. Life to me feels a lot at times like I'm just treading water and trying to stay afloat, and that often times causes me to lash out more than I should. Not that the arguments get really heated or anything. We both just get emotionally involved in them.

Although, I will say that we've both made great strides in the past few years. We are also house looking, and that's caused some other issues between me and the mother-in-law. I'm quite proud of both the wife and myself at how we've been able to calmly and rationally discuss the situation.

[Jenny A]

The squishy bits don't fire in a qualitatively different way when expressing reason or emotion. I choose to think that reason is a sometimes effective method of constraining emotion.
Recognizing that leads to at least an internal conversation of the sort you describe.
I'd say verbalizing the same with your SO is very self aware and exceptionally insightful. You can exchange views and build a bonded structure more informed and resilient than two isolated constructions. Fewer ignorant misunderstandings.
I don't find it odd at all.

I am very emotional. I cry pretty easily and I laugh a lot. But my rational mind often gets there before the emotions and tends to provide a sort of running commentary on my emotional side. One of thing things that causes me to do is explain that my emotions are just that, emotions. It's a kind of disclaimer.

In my marriage, to a Lutheran, we don't have arguments; we have vigorous discussions; not always as rational and sensible as your examples. I have noticed that these discussions cause mental distress to the offspring.

I'm over here giggling. I was raised Lutheran, and my husband's parents don't have arguments either. Actually, my parents pretty much didn't even have the vigorous discussions in our presence. My first husband came from a family of shouters. It wasn't very long before we had a little talk in which I explained I didn't discuss vigorously, let alone fight in public and that I would renige on any agreement reached with argument in public. So he might as well just plan on discussing it privately.

Our children don't like us to vigorously discuss either.

---

That's different from my marriage. My wife and I are actually quite emotional people, and I'm never as calm and rational as I would like to be in our arguments. Life to me feels a lot at times like I'm just treading water and trying to stay afloat, and that often times causes me to lash out more than I should. Not that the arguments get really heated or anything. We both just get emotionally involved in them.

Sounds like my first marriage. Some of the change is just me getting older. Some of it is that my husband is very reasonable.

Although, I will say that we've both made great strides in the past few years. We are also house looking, and that's caused some other issues between me and the mother-in-law. I'm quite proud of both the wife and myself at how we've been able to calmly and rationally discuss the situation.

Ish. Sorry about the mother-in-law. I'm a firm believer that parents ought to stay out of their children's marriages. I hope I live up to that when our kids marry.

Good luck with the house looking. We just made an offer on a vacant lot and are now biting our nails waiting to see if the offer is accepted.

---

It sounds like you have a very lovely marriage, Jenny and have figured out how to communicate well. That is wonderful.

When I first married my husband, we had both come from dysfunctional families where a lot of communication involved anger or one person trying to dominate the other. It took us a long time to learn something as basic as how to argue with one another. Now, we rarely argue but I wish that we had been less emotionally driven when we were younger.

Younger is the key word. My first marriage was much closer to what you describe. He came from a very dysfunctional family and I wasn't nearly as restrained as I should have been. When shouted at, I tend to shout back.

[Thumpalumpacus]

That's different from my marriage. My wife and I are actually quite emotional people, and I'm never as calm and rational as I would like to be in our arguments. Life to me feels a lot at times like I'm just treading water and trying to stay afloat, and that often times causes me to lash out more than I should. Not that the arguments get really heated or anything. We both just get emotionally involved in them.

Although, I will say that we've both made great strides in the past few years. We are also house looking, and that's caused some other issues between me and the mother-in-law. I'm quite proud of both the wife and myself at how we've been able to calmly and rationally discuss the situation.

I hear you. I recently went through a breakup fueled in part by an inability to address problems in a rational manner, on the part of both of us. Our arguments got heated, and while I can say that she should have been more rational, I will say even more importantly that I should have been less emotional in responding to her points, no matter how unfair I thought them to be. As well as hurting her, I let myself down.

Odd, this old, and still seeing the need to grow.

[Jenny A]

Odd, this old, and still seeing the need to grow.

If you ever don't see the need to grow, you've either become completely and hopelessly self satisfied, or you have dementia.

I'm in my early 50s and I'm still trying to grow. I hope I'm still at it in my 80s.