Movies that just suck.

[AFTT47]

Any movie with Tom Cruise deserves all the disparagement it can get.

I used to hope he would get a part as the bad guy in a Steven Seagal movie.

[Jackalope]

Battlefield: Earth

That was one steaming coiled turd if I ever saw one.

[Minimalist]

But look who wrote the book.

[Cyberman]

Yeah, if only he'd stuck to his schlock writing.

[Faith No More]

I forgot about that one.  Probably a good thing.

Did you know the producers made sure that every person involved in that movie, from caterer to director, had to be a scientologist?  Every single face you see in that movie is a whacko.

[downbeatplumb]

@downbeatplumb

Cloud Atlas is not that incoherent, it just has a nonstandard way of telling the story. If you quit too early, you won't understand anything.

But I was boooorrrrred and so was my wife.

Oh maybe you can tell me what it was about.

[Ashground]

What's the worst movie ever? Anyone who's watched the horror channel late at night knows there's more than one.

But these two annoyed me.
Olympus Has Fallen. I picked it up second-hand, watched it and immediately threw it away. White House Down isn't great but about 10 times better than this! I remember staring at the screen at Morgan Freeman and Aaron Eckhart and thinking, "What are you doing in this movie?"

Prometheus. I'm glad it turned out to be full of plot holes, first time I saw it I felt like I'd missed something.

[Cyberman]

Just finished watching one called The Ouija Haunting, which I picked up for three quid. I won't bother with a spoiler warning, because I very much doubt anyone will want to watch it.

It starts off pretty decent, with a group of friends playing with a ouija board ("Remember the rules - never ask how the spirit died, never ask how you're gonna die, and never stop playing without saying goodbye!"). This all happens while the titles are playing out and it gets confusing, because it's like you're getting a condensed version of the film. I actually thought I'd clicked the "making of" by mistake. Still, the visuals are nicely done.

Then we get to the film proper - and oh my fucking days, what an amateurish effort. Everything after the opening is in DV format, which comes over as a crappy youtube home movie. The story is that the opening film is supposed to be another film called The Ouija Experiment, and the cast are playing themselves onstage at a cinema for a "Ouija Ouikend" (and I'm not kidding about that spelling). They have a ghost night, the kind of thing where people pay to be chased around the cinema - which is haunted - by actors in costume going "raaaarggh!" at them. Afterwards they have a special invite-only ghost walk thing, but a couple of them have messed around with the ouija board from the film and now there's something nasty after them.

I've actually made it sound better than it really is. The thing is, it doesn't seem to know what tone to go for - zany teen comedy, self-aware horror trope parody or actual scary movie. The acting and direction make me think this was put together by a first year drama class. There are one or two genuinely creepy moments, but mostly it relies on jump scares. Honestly, I've seen far better on YouTube, with even the increasingly silly Haunting Of Sunshine Girl far more deserving of a DVD release than this.

8/10 for effort, minus several hundred for execution. If only they'd concentrated on that opening and developed that instead.

[downbeatplumb]

The Harry Hill movie.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3013528/

I lasted about twenty minutes before abandoning it, as long as was humanly possible, Jack Bauer could use this to get the location of the bomb from terrorists.

[Cyberman]

The fact that it's Harry Hill is enough for me. No thanks. I'd sooner have sex with one of those rock crushers.