To kill a mocking depression

[Edwardo Piet]

@ OP

Wonderful post Mama.

I agree with you Rob, that depression is something impossible to understand unless you have experienced it.

I have experienced it in the past and attempted suicide once. I haven't felt it for years thankfully.

Here's how I would define depression, in my own words:

It's when you experience chronic sadness, despair or emptiness that occurs without any reason at all and yet still intensifies even further when there actually is a reason. When you just want the world to go away and you want your brain to turn off forever. When you feel unloved, unwanted and completely pathetic. When it either feels like you are indifferent to death at the best and at the worst you crave it like it's the most appealing thing in the world.

[rexbeccarox]

@ OP

Wonderful post Mama.

I agree with you Rob, that depression is something impossible to understand unless you have experienced it.

I have experienced it in the past and attempted suicide once. I haven't felt it for years thankfully.

Here's how I would define depression, in my own words:

It's when you experience chronic sadness, despair or emptiness that occurs without any reason at all and yet still intensifies even further when there actually is a reason.

With my depression, sadness rarely has any place. Apathy rules my brain for the most part, and when I'm in the depths of a gnarly episode, it's more like extremely simple passivity. I couldn't care less about almost anything except the most painless way to die.

When you just want the world to go away and you want your brain to turn off forever. When you feel unloved, unwanted and completely pathetic.

That's another thing: I never feel unloved or unwanted. My friends and family, including a lot of people on this very forum, are so supportive and loving and amazing... it's part of why the depression gets so hard. Because of the love in my life, there's no way I could ever end it because I could never hurt my loved ones that way. There's no escaping. It sounds whiny to a lot of people, but in really bad episodes, all I can think about is that I wish people didn't love me because then I could end it.

When it either feels like you are indifferent to death at the best and at the worst you crave it like it's the most appealing thing in the world.

This is SO true for me.

It's so interesting the similarities and differences we all have with depression. I'm like Mama in that I was first diagnosed at a really young age. I can't imagine living life without it.

[Goosebump]

@Evie and @The_Empress

So is it more of an emotional feeling or like others have said does your internal monologue get hijacked? Does the emotion just overwhelm or is it tied together with toughs that the emotions reinforce?

[WinterHold]

Humans? tell me about those creatures, aren't they just a wonder?

I totally agree, so funny, especially when they sit together on round tables, and faking interest in each other, just like the magazine you read..people you don't know, speaking about people you didn't see, doing stuff you didn't even experience.

They are so funny, because they ask you to become normal, and that is by becoming one of them, another crow thinking she's a chicken.

It's okay, Mamacita..
Mind me madness not.

[robvalue]

I'm sorry to hear about your experiences The Empress We all struggle in different ways. Thanks for sharing with us.

I'm feeling a little better than this morning, my wife has been taking great care of me today.

[rexbeccarox]

@Evie and @The_Empress

So is it more of an emotional feeling or like others have said does your internal monologue get hijacked? Does the emotion just overwhelm or is it tied together with toughs that the emotions reinforce?

It's hard to say... I think it's a hijacking. It's why therapy is important: because I forget where the phantom hijacker stops and I begin. My sister says that when I'm in the midst of an episode, she can't wait to get me back, and sometimes an episode will last for years. The one I'm trying to crawl out of has lasted about five years, maybe a little longer. Also, it's more like a lack of emotion for me.

[rexbeccarox]

I'm sorry to hear about your experiences The Empress We all struggle in different ways. Thanks for sharing with us.

I'm feeling a little better than this morning, my wife has been taking great care of me today.

I'm really glad. Your wife sounds like an awesome person. I hope we get to meet her one day

[robvalue]

Thank you She certainly is. I'm amazingly lucky. Doubly lucky she stuck by me through everything, making her even more awesome.

I hope you do get to meet her one day! (And me of course )

[J a c k]

Oh my Flying Spaghetti Monster! I came here for a quick look (on break at work, gotta get back) and I just want to group hug. 
Robvalue: I'm glad you're doing better.
Empress: I'd like to meet his wife, too! She sounds so awesome.
Evie: thank you for sharing. I agree with Empress. It's nice to see all the differences and similarities.
Atlas! Hey, man! Thanks for your response to this thread. Welcome. Make yourself at home. 

Sigh. This is nice. Feels like group therapy. Lol

[Edwardo Piet]

It's when you experience chronic sadness, despair or emptiness that occurs without any reason at all and yet still intensifies even further when there actually is a reason.

With my depression, sadness rarely has any place. Apathy rules my brain for the most part, and when I'm in the depths of a gnarly episode, it's more like extremely simple passivity. I couldn't care less about almost anything except the most painless way to die.

Same here, hence why I mentioned "emptiness" as an option. I consider emotional emptiness and apathy the same thing.

When I was depressed I experienced chronic emptiness/apathy and despair, but I never really felt sad either.

I just know some people do feel sad when depressed so I kept it as an option.