Well, I just can't change that I'm Agnostic...
July 5, 2016 at 6:04 pm
(This post was last modified: July 5, 2016 at 6:14 pm by LivingNumbers6.626.)
Hello folks! (sorry this is gonna be very long. TL;DR on the bottom)
Last year I held an account here of which I cannot access but I do not care to access it sense I believe it reflects a past self who I no longer identify with. But nevertheless, I suppose this can be a good opportunity to flip over a new leaf away from all the anger and confusion I was in after leaving the church, quickly followed by my divorce and I'm only 23 at this point. So to bring us up to speed here's a couple things we should know:
1) I was raised Mormon.
2) I was a true believer and intended to be Mormon forever regardless the doubts I had.
3) Needless to say I didn't go on a mission at 19 and instead I married a woman under the advise of the church due to fornication by the age of 20 but we were also just young and dumb to begin with so it isn't all the churches fault. Just one of those silly things.
4) Three months after marriage we left the church. Typical shunning, guilt tripping, and harsh words were shared by both parties. I certainly played the instigator sometimes and could have been a whole lot more cool headed. Needless to say, many relationships deteriorated.
5) I formally resigned from the church and by the age of 22 I was officially divorced.
6) I guess due to the stress of my physical health and the deterioration of mental health after leaving the church and divorce I had plunged into a pretty bad spot and became someone trapped in anger, depression, and alcohol and marijuana abuse.
7) I found a girlfriend quickly after divorce and was quickly kicked out of my parents home. My father raised the issue of alcohol and said that was the reason which is completely understandable since I am diabetic and would drink on a daily basis and then heavily on the weekends. But then my mother said she didn't think I was that bad but if I am honest with myself I can admit that I am probably an alcoholic. What I find curious though is that the day my father kicked me out it was all due to because I didn't go to church with them one Sunday to "support my mothers primary program" and instead went to go meet my girlfriend's family in a near by city.
8) Then I was living with my girlfriend and then I found a trailer to live in. My girlfriend gets kicked out of her crazy pot grower mother's house. I really wish my girlfriend of 5 months had moved in with her grandma instead but she moved in with me but I should have been honest with her from the beginning.
9) Then I went through a depressive phase due to pot and alcohol and contemplated going back to the church, moving my girlfriend and I into my parents to have a better place for her and then committing back to the Mormon life. So I started going back to church, forcing my girlfriend to go, moved into my parents house with her, started talking to the Bishop of the church, and then taking lessons from the missionaries again.
10) Then after visiting Spain with my family I had a lot of time to think and so I broke up with my girlfriend on Sunday. I feel absolutely terrible about it. She really loved me and it really broke her heart. I know my parents are really upset that I broke up with her mainly because she told them that she was going to join the church too only because I was starting to force her into it but I kind of felt like it was all a lie. That I was living a lie. Making a lie. Conforming to a lie with the whole church thing. Trying to make my family happy again and "whole." Trying to go back to the church so then my parents would actually help me get my life on track...to feel closer to them again...to not feel like the black sheep anymore...to get back into the "perfect" Mormon world....but I can't...
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So now I guess I'm just trying to focus on me. I'm not perfect. People have done mean things to me in the past but I have also done mean things. I've dealt with assholes and I've been the asshole. But now all I want to do is just be me. The fact of the matter is, the way my brain functions, is that I am completely Agnostic, a naturalist, a science enthusiast. All of this is so much more clearer after I second guessed it again. I just want to go forward and focus on getting a new job and going to school for computer science, starting a life, and discover myself to the fullest. My relationship with my parents isn't the best. I love them to death they still do a lot for me but we can't really speak about anything. It's so strange. They pay for my trip to Spain to see family, they're gonna help me with some dental surgery, my father says he wants to pay for this semester I go back to school (but I want to), and I live with them...we can't talk to much. I know they love me but we just don't identify with each other any more. But this Sunday I'm not going to church, instead I'm gonna focus on education and applying for new jobs. I'm afraid that I will get kicked out again because I refuse to be Mormon but I'm hoping after some time things will settle and they'll see me for me instead of the depressed ex-mormon apostate "me." I just don't want to argue anymore. I want to live in peace but I am 23 and I realize that I am supposed to be a man by now and if I can't have peace with my family and can't receive help because I refuse to be Mormon then I fully admit to the fact that I may just have conjure up the cash and find a room to rent and rough it on my own...but I expect that.
TL;DR: Life time Mormon, divorced, left church 1.5 years ago, got new girlfriend, contemplated going back to the church, decided I couldn't, broke up with girlfriend, not going to follow through with going back to church regardless of family opinion, my past is rough, but all I want now is an education, a new job, and peace moving into the person who I know I really am and not the person who was destroyed by loss of faith, divorce, alcohol abuse, and depression.
Last year I held an account here of which I cannot access but I do not care to access it sense I believe it reflects a past self who I no longer identify with. But nevertheless, I suppose this can be a good opportunity to flip over a new leaf away from all the anger and confusion I was in after leaving the church, quickly followed by my divorce and I'm only 23 at this point. So to bring us up to speed here's a couple things we should know:
1) I was raised Mormon.
2) I was a true believer and intended to be Mormon forever regardless the doubts I had.
3) Needless to say I didn't go on a mission at 19 and instead I married a woman under the advise of the church due to fornication by the age of 20 but we were also just young and dumb to begin with so it isn't all the churches fault. Just one of those silly things.
4) Three months after marriage we left the church. Typical shunning, guilt tripping, and harsh words were shared by both parties. I certainly played the instigator sometimes and could have been a whole lot more cool headed. Needless to say, many relationships deteriorated.
5) I formally resigned from the church and by the age of 22 I was officially divorced.
6) I guess due to the stress of my physical health and the deterioration of mental health after leaving the church and divorce I had plunged into a pretty bad spot and became someone trapped in anger, depression, and alcohol and marijuana abuse.
7) I found a girlfriend quickly after divorce and was quickly kicked out of my parents home. My father raised the issue of alcohol and said that was the reason which is completely understandable since I am diabetic and would drink on a daily basis and then heavily on the weekends. But then my mother said she didn't think I was that bad but if I am honest with myself I can admit that I am probably an alcoholic. What I find curious though is that the day my father kicked me out it was all due to because I didn't go to church with them one Sunday to "support my mothers primary program" and instead went to go meet my girlfriend's family in a near by city.
8) Then I was living with my girlfriend and then I found a trailer to live in. My girlfriend gets kicked out of her crazy pot grower mother's house. I really wish my girlfriend of 5 months had moved in with her grandma instead but she moved in with me but I should have been honest with her from the beginning.
9) Then I went through a depressive phase due to pot and alcohol and contemplated going back to the church, moving my girlfriend and I into my parents to have a better place for her and then committing back to the Mormon life. So I started going back to church, forcing my girlfriend to go, moved into my parents house with her, started talking to the Bishop of the church, and then taking lessons from the missionaries again.
10) Then after visiting Spain with my family I had a lot of time to think and so I broke up with my girlfriend on Sunday. I feel absolutely terrible about it. She really loved me and it really broke her heart. I know my parents are really upset that I broke up with her mainly because she told them that she was going to join the church too only because I was starting to force her into it but I kind of felt like it was all a lie. That I was living a lie. Making a lie. Conforming to a lie with the whole church thing. Trying to make my family happy again and "whole." Trying to go back to the church so then my parents would actually help me get my life on track...to feel closer to them again...to not feel like the black sheep anymore...to get back into the "perfect" Mormon world....but I can't...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
So now I guess I'm just trying to focus on me. I'm not perfect. People have done mean things to me in the past but I have also done mean things. I've dealt with assholes and I've been the asshole. But now all I want to do is just be me. The fact of the matter is, the way my brain functions, is that I am completely Agnostic, a naturalist, a science enthusiast. All of this is so much more clearer after I second guessed it again. I just want to go forward and focus on getting a new job and going to school for computer science, starting a life, and discover myself to the fullest. My relationship with my parents isn't the best. I love them to death they still do a lot for me but we can't really speak about anything. It's so strange. They pay for my trip to Spain to see family, they're gonna help me with some dental surgery, my father says he wants to pay for this semester I go back to school (but I want to), and I live with them...we can't talk to much. I know they love me but we just don't identify with each other any more. But this Sunday I'm not going to church, instead I'm gonna focus on education and applying for new jobs. I'm afraid that I will get kicked out again because I refuse to be Mormon but I'm hoping after some time things will settle and they'll see me for me instead of the depressed ex-mormon apostate "me." I just don't want to argue anymore. I want to live in peace but I am 23 and I realize that I am supposed to be a man by now and if I can't have peace with my family and can't receive help because I refuse to be Mormon then I fully admit to the fact that I may just have conjure up the cash and find a room to rent and rough it on my own...but I expect that.
TL;DR: Life time Mormon, divorced, left church 1.5 years ago, got new girlfriend, contemplated going back to the church, decided I couldn't, broke up with girlfriend, not going to follow through with going back to church regardless of family opinion, my past is rough, but all I want now is an education, a new job, and peace moving into the person who I know I really am and not the person who was destroyed by loss of faith, divorce, alcohol abuse, and depression.
"Just call me Bruce Wayne. I'd rather be Batman."
